I called the crisis hotline yesterday. While the person I got was nice enough, she could not really bring me down from my state of completely panicked depression. Panicked because I felt totally out of control with despair and felt I was going to act on impulse. She kept trying to suggest that I meditate but I was in too much of a frenzy for that. I finally told here I would meditate just so she thought she had helped and I ended the call. Then I left a message for my doctor....a frantic, sobbing message that I thoroughly regret today. When he called back he did sound slightly miffed that I hadn't been able to get things under control by myself. After all, I have been in numerous groups where they talk about distraction and self soothing. When I have my appt tomorrow evening, I will apologize for the outburst.
I am very ill today. I do not feel the panic of yesterday but I can feel it creeping in slowly.
My husband truly cannot face my disease. I sent him an email at work yesterday telling him that I was having a really rough day and probably would not be able to pull it together for dinner. I told him I felt like I was in crisis. He didn't call me nor did he enquire about how I was feeling when he got home. He just cannot stand to hear it anymore. He wants to pretend it doesn't exist, that everything's okay. He does not want to know that I sat with a bottle of lithium in my hands....every fibre in my body wanting to swallow the whole thing. It really feels like he doesn't care. Maybe I have used up all his caring. I hate myself for feeling so needy. I hate myself for wanting him to care about me; to give me a hug and comfort me. But that never happens.
Nobody is around the forum today. I hope someone comes on.
Called a Crisis Line Yesterday
Moderators: windsong, BlueGobi, Moderators, Astrid
Mich,
From many years of being in the same boat myself, I know what it is like to have your spouse understand what you are going through.
Like your experience with your husband. I would call and ask him to come home, just for an hour. We used to farm so his time was flexible. He never did come home when I asked. Made me feel like c**p for asking him and the same way when he wouldn't come.
I have called our crisis line several times over the years, with varying degrees of success. One time I called, ready to commit suicide and the guy on the other end of the line just wanted to talk about the weather. Maybe that was his way of deflecting, but it sure wasn't any help to me.
Put away the thought that you are being needy. We all need people at different times of our lives, some times more often than others.
Know it isn't the same as getting a hug from your husband, but consider yourself hugged by me.
From many years of being in the same boat myself, I know what it is like to have your spouse understand what you are going through.
Like your experience with your husband. I would call and ask him to come home, just for an hour. We used to farm so his time was flexible. He never did come home when I asked. Made me feel like c**p for asking him and the same way when he wouldn't come.
I have called our crisis line several times over the years, with varying degrees of success. One time I called, ready to commit suicide and the guy on the other end of the line just wanted to talk about the weather. Maybe that was his way of deflecting, but it sure wasn't any help to me.
Put away the thought that you are being needy. We all need people at different times of our lives, some times more often than others.
Know it isn't the same as getting a hug from your husband, but consider yourself hugged by me.
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crybaby1086
- Posts: 168
- Joined: Thu Oct 29, 2009 10:40 pm
- Location: Newfoundland
((((((Mich))))))) I'm here. I know how it feels to be totally out of control. Last night I screamed and cried till I was horse and could barely walk. You have to let your feelings out. Cry, scream, punch your pillow. Then when it is all out let yourself sleep. It's okay to do that, you will feel much better.
Then you need to get rid of those pills. Flush them down the toilet, anything just get rid of them.
I am thinking about you now and I hope you can feel my presents sitting next to you. Be strong, I am there with you now.
Then you need to get rid of those pills. Flush them down the toilet, anything just get rid of them.
I am thinking about you now and I hope you can feel my presents sitting next to you. Be strong, I am there with you now.
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shatteredhopes
- Posts: 664
- Joined: Tue Oct 27, 2009 1:39 am
- Location: U.S.
(((((((((((((Mich)))))))))))) sorry you didn't get much help with crisis line. Guess it varies according to who is on duty. Please don't let that stop you from calling again, especially given you had a good experience before.
Do you have anxiety meds? They are a real life saver for me when I get panicky combined with the depression. Maybe talk to your doc if not?
Your husband probably doesn't know how to deal with it. He loves you and hates to see you suffer, so maybe he's in a type of denial. With my ex, I got the experience of dealing with someone else with mental illness...its very hard. But your husband loves you and maybe when you feel a bit better you can talk to him about what you need from him and what might be helpful, and let him express whatever he might need to.
Even when I can't manage to meditate, deep breathing for a bit helps. Eating helps. When I don't eat regularly my blood sugar gets low and its just like an anxiety attack. A hot bath or shower helps, just the warmth of the water. Maybe if you feel panicky you can try some of that? I dunno...
Worried about you. Hoping you don't take extra litium or use the blades. Be strong ((((((((((((((Mich)))))))))))) when it comes to not self-harming. I know what its like when the desire becomes overwhelming, but just know you can pour it all out here, and we understand and are listening.
Write and post as much as you need. Its good that you are telling us what you want to do, instead of doing it. That's a little kind of safeguard, and a good plan to help yourself stay strong.
Sending sisterly love your way and wishing you peace today...
Do you have anxiety meds? They are a real life saver for me when I get panicky combined with the depression. Maybe talk to your doc if not?
Your husband probably doesn't know how to deal with it. He loves you and hates to see you suffer, so maybe he's in a type of denial. With my ex, I got the experience of dealing with someone else with mental illness...its very hard. But your husband loves you and maybe when you feel a bit better you can talk to him about what you need from him and what might be helpful, and let him express whatever he might need to.
Even when I can't manage to meditate, deep breathing for a bit helps. Eating helps. When I don't eat regularly my blood sugar gets low and its just like an anxiety attack. A hot bath or shower helps, just the warmth of the water. Maybe if you feel panicky you can try some of that? I dunno...
Worried about you. Hoping you don't take extra litium or use the blades. Be strong ((((((((((((((Mich)))))))))))) when it comes to not self-harming. I know what its like when the desire becomes overwhelming, but just know you can pour it all out here, and we understand and are listening.
Write and post as much as you need. Its good that you are telling us what you want to do, instead of doing it. That's a little kind of safeguard, and a good plan to help yourself stay strong.
Sending sisterly love your way and wishing you peace today...
hi mich, i have been thinking about you a lot and am sorry to hear that you're still feeling so awful. it must hurt so much that your husband is not supportive. do try the crisis line again whenever you need to, as shatteredhopes says it really depends who you get,another worker might be more suitable for your needs. if you can get rid of the pills and blades, please please do, it scares me to think of you so vulnerable to suicide. if you can possibly eat something small then it would at least stabilise your blood sugar levels, not eating makes your adrenaline go sky-high, i often get quite manic and confused and frantic when i am going through an anorexic phase. don't feel bad about leaving that message with your doctor, it's his job to help ill people! really hope you will be ok
love you lots, Lisa x
love you lots, Lisa x
You are all so kind. You are helping me more than you know.
What I need to do is give the lithium to my doctor tomorrow night. Apparently it is not a pretty overdose. Severe vomitting and uncontrollable diarrhea and people are often found covered in their own waste.
I am deeply depressed but I am fighting. I let the dog out in the backyard and had a run around with her. I tried to read which was utterly hopeless (as I expected) and then I went to my coffee shop and got a very good cup of coffee and brought it home. I shouldn't be buying coffee out but I thought it would comfort me.
The panic is creeping up on me but has not reached the full force of yesterday. My heart is being squeezed and my whole body is incredibly heavy. My throat is tightening. I have asked my doctor for an anti anxiety med but he will not give it to me. He sees me as an overdose threat and is very hesitant to give me extra meds. I have a few Klonopin and a few Xanax left over from when he did prescribe them years ago and I hoard those like they are gold. I should have used one yesterday.
Thank you all for being here today. It is so comforting to know there is somebody out there who cares and understands.
What I need to do is give the lithium to my doctor tomorrow night. Apparently it is not a pretty overdose. Severe vomitting and uncontrollable diarrhea and people are often found covered in their own waste.
I am deeply depressed but I am fighting. I let the dog out in the backyard and had a run around with her. I tried to read which was utterly hopeless (as I expected) and then I went to my coffee shop and got a very good cup of coffee and brought it home. I shouldn't be buying coffee out but I thought it would comfort me.
The panic is creeping up on me but has not reached the full force of yesterday. My heart is being squeezed and my whole body is incredibly heavy. My throat is tightening. I have asked my doctor for an anti anxiety med but he will not give it to me. He sees me as an overdose threat and is very hesitant to give me extra meds. I have a few Klonopin and a few Xanax left over from when he did prescribe them years ago and I hoard those like they are gold. I should have used one yesterday.
Thank you all for being here today. It is so comforting to know there is somebody out there who cares and understands.
don't think that you 'shouldn't' have got the coffee...if it got you out of the house,distracted you in any way from your unbearable feelings and was as you say,a very good cup of coffee then that sounds like a great strategy to me! i think it is a very good idea to give those lithium to your doctor and remove the temptation. not surprised that you found it impossible to read, it's so hard with depression, maybe go easy on yourself and just flick through a magazine or a book with lots of pictures or something you read as a child? glad to hear you are fighting. you are trying so hard and i am very proud of you
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crybaby1086
- Posts: 168
- Joined: Thu Oct 29, 2009 10:40 pm
- Location: Newfoundland
hope your ok
ahhh mich ,i know you suffer ,words have left me ,but im thinking of you and hope you feel better soon, i feel very distant from my freinds ,not within reach anymore ,be strong mich stand up ,,,,,,freind ,,,,ken
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