Beyond Words

[Mich]

I know we have all felt this way....in so much pain that words just won't describe it. There are no words strong enough to convey the depths of the sorrow and anguish. When you absolutely feel as if you cannot bear it for another minute. Tears won't even come for me....I want them to for I feel it would be a release. I feel like I have a gigantic cry inside of me that is just dying to get out...but it won't come out. Some how I don't feel safe letting go like that. My parents would be very upset with me if I ever showed anything other than a happy face. Anger and sadness were not permitted. Even living in the abusive environment that I did, I was expected to look happy at all times. I learned to bottle up my feelings and expressions pretty well back then. Although when I went to sleep-away camp one summer a counsellor remarked that I was the most miserable looking kid that she had ever seen. I guess I let my guard down there away from my parents. I am sure if she had known my story, she would have understood why I looked so desperately unhappy. I was surely depressed back then some 30+ years ago. I honestly don't know what keeps me going through this pain day after day. I hold out no hope that I will ever be free of this.

[lisalou]

i was a very repressed child too, little miss perfect....on the surface.... i never cried in public, i think children like us build our pain up and up until it becomes this overwhelming black depression. it is an awful feeling to feel so desperately in need of tears and yet they are 'stuck', maybe listen to a song or film that makes you cry but only if you feel it is safe and that it would be a relief to cry and let it out, maybe try writing stuff down. it is not fair that you should suffer like this but i think there is something that is going to get you through it and that thing is YOU!!!!

[shatteredhopes]

I think ((lisalou's)) idea of writing stuff out is brilliant ((Mich)). Maybe it will help you release the tears. Write letters to those who harmed you. Write how hard life is with this disease. Write what you would like your children and husband to understand. Whatever you need to get off your chest.

I know it seems the pain will never end. My first suicide attempt was at 17. I wasn't right then, and over the years, many hospitalizations and self-harm attempts, many meds, even ECT, therapy, nothing helped. But then something happened, I worked a 12-step program, continued therapy, took meds, worked a job I loved, made friends (unusual for me as I used to isolate A LOT)...after a while, I found myself content, even though there were still things wrong in my life...I had a two year respite from severe depression. Unfortunately, tragedy struck, and I spiraled. But from that experience, I know, it is possible. There's no magic forumla or cure-all...we just do the things we know we can do to fight, but don't give up hope! If it could happen to me before, it can happen again. If it can happen for me, it can happen for you, too.

And I can't speak for you, but I know for me, some days are worse, some days are better. You will have some better days. You are just really in a severe stage of the illness right now.

Maybe think some more about volunteering when you are able? At the volunteer thing the other day I felt like an alien and fought tears the whole time I was doing it, but afterwards felt so much better about myself and life and was proud I did it. It really gave me a little uplift. I don't know if volunteering a little bit will help you as much as it helps me with my sense of self-worth and appreciation of the things I do have in life, but maybe its worth a try, when you are up to it? The nice thing about volunteering as opposed to a paying job, if you are having an especially hard day, you can cancel. You can work only when able, just a little bit, like an hour every other week. You set your schedule, and if you are too ill at the time to go, you don't!

Maybe try mental health to just see if there's a support group? You don't have to go now, just maybe make it a goal to find out if there is one and the details. Is there a domestic violence shelter near you? Can you call and ask if they have a support group for adult survivors of abuse? Give yourself permission not to go now, just maybe find out the details?

Just suggestions, I don't know if what helps me will help you, or if you need something entirely different...

You are a devoted mother, a special friend/sister to us, and someone who has a lot to offer the world. You are just hurting. Write some dreams for yourself, maybe?

We care, and I am wishing you light in your day, a little peace, and sending you sisterly love...

[Mich]

Thank you Lisa and Shatteredhopes. I can feel your support and it lifts me up. You are wonderful people.
I have had my psych appt now and as is often the case, I feel very bad afterwards. Talking about such painful topics always leaves me feeling worse because it brings it even more to the surface. It leaves me with intense feelings of self harm. Apparently talking about this more and more will begin to heal me but it doesn't feel like it right now. I trust my psych and will do my best to keep expressing my feelings and telling my story of what I have been through in my life. Most of it I have to write down and hand to him as I am too ashamed to say it out loud. I don't think it is possible for anyone to hate themselves more than I hate myself. I cannot see that changing. I want to destroy myself. I want to get my 5"10" frame down to 70 lbs. I want to carve up my body with a blade. All these hurtful things I want to inflict on myself. I just cannot be gentle with myself at all.
I must distract to get my mind off of these hurtful thoughts. How is it possible for all of us to hurt so much?

[xn728]

hi you gang ,sorry its bad for you all just now ,hope you dont mind me giving lisa my yapph ,she really needs it now ,i will give you all something one day ,did i say somewere else i cry spontaniously ,at least 3 times per day ,,,pherhaps if you need a trigger think of a pet ,you lost sometime in your life ,or a sad film ,i dont know ,just desperate to help ,just think of a stupid man telling you how to cry that will work ,,,,,,,sorry guys ,your pain makes me sad to ,,,dear dear friends i wish i could suck it in and fade away,,,,,,,,,,,,ken