Everything is Black

[Mich]

Everything is black today. My kids have a day off school today and I don't know how I am going to rise up and function for them. I cannot eat and I want to bury myself back under the covers and sleep. Every muscle in my body is paralyzed with despair. The pain just never stops. I will try to get past it by walking the dog and maybe listening to some music. I am not hopeful that it will blunt the pain though but I will try.

[shatteredhopes]

I had an unsettling dream and have been both disturbed and sad all morning. But I am fighting with everything I've got not to go "there."

FIGHT! Walk the dog. Listen to your music. Force yourself to eat if you can. I know you love your children. Is there anyway they can go to a friends house for a little while, so you can rest? Can you try to think at least two POSITIVE thoughts to bring some light in?

When things get black, or when I'm fighting going into the black, I start with gratitude. I am grateful I can see and hear. I am grateful for the hot water heater so I can take hot baths. I am grateful I have food and a roof over my head...etc. I doesn't take away the pain completely but it helps me march through it to think positive...I force myself. Its very hard sometimes, but I try to do it. Otherwise I might give in to the desire to self harm. Its hard to feel grateful when you are in extreme emotional pain, but if I start small, I can build up to 20 or more things I have to be grateful for. It helps me. I don't know if it will help you, but try to think some positive thoughts. Some people keep a gratitude journal.

Another thing, I made a list. Compliments, certain good memories that don't start a stream of consciousness into the negative, dreams, etc. I look at it sometimes to try to feel something positive, and fight the urge to self harm.

I also try to do little things to comfort myself, a hot bath or drink some soda pop, to treat myself special and cope. It doesn't erase the pain, but helps me go through it without self harm with a bit more strength. Is there something you can treat yourself to? Scented lotion? Ask the kids to go their rooms or somewhere safe for an hour while you nap?

I am so sorry everything is black and you feel overwhelmed. I wish I could help more, but I am here, listening, as much as you want to share and have a shoulder to cry on ((Mich)).

You have been through a lot in your life, and you are such a trooper to take care of your kids while suffering so much, YOU ARE A FIGHTER! You have inner STRENGTH! You are special, to both your family and your on-line family here!

Wishing you a little light in your day...

[Mich]

There is peace in the house. My son is immersed in a Grade 9 project due tomorrow and my daughter is out with friends. I helped my daughter study earlier for a science test tomorrow and that was challenging. It was hard to focus, hard to make sense of the words. I am hoping that my son will not need any help. My brain is useless.
The squeezing heaviness in my heart and chest is relentless. It just will not loosen its grip. I have put myself upright and functioned somewhat but the demon is threatening to take me down. I have much to be grateful for but the demon tells me I don't deserve it. I have not been much of a mother or a wife for 5 years now. My kids have seen me starve myself to emaciation and a hospital program twice and they have seen me distant and unresponsive to their needs. I talk to my parents about twice per year....less if I can....and one of the last things my mother said to me was to "snap out of it." If only it were that easy....they are toxic and I need to stay far far away from them.

[shatteredhopes]

I am so glad the kids are occupied.

Yes, you do deserve good things. We all do!

When your kids are grown, they will look back and know despite suffering a severe disease, how much you tried to be there for them and put them first and go on for their sake.

I have another idea for you...it is so hard to make friends when every part of our depression makes us want to isolate and be reclusive. Do you have neighbors? Could you maybe plan for a holiday to bake some cookies, make candies or sweetbread, and wrap in plastic with some festive ribbon and bring it to them?

I always feel so suicidal over the holidays and so alone. My neighbors often bring me a plate of cookies or little gift...it helps me get through. I don't know if others around me are suffering...but I know one neighbor was a widower and elderly and I gathered pretty lonely. So I brought him little gifts and just chatted now and then. He has now passed, but I try to do others what I would need for myself.

Maybe you can make some little plan for the future to give you something to hang on to? Give hope?

I wish you could eat dear ((Mich)). You know there is a direct correlation between being abused and us later abusing our bodies in whatever fashion. They abuse until they break us and we begin abusing ourselves. Don't let the abusers win! Fight them the way you could not fight as a child by taking back your sense of self worth!

You ARE SPECIAL AND UNIQUE and DESERVE GOOD THINGS. So do what you can to comfort yourself and help yourself while you are hurting so much. I know it seems impossible. BUT PLEASE EAT SOMETHING.

I care. I am listening. I know you are hurting and I am sending sisterly love your way...

[lisalou]

oh michie, i'm so sorry you're having such an awful day, well done for helping your daughter with her homework, that must have been a real struggle. did you take the dog out in the end? where did you go? how about your music,what sort of thing do you like? it certainly sounds like it's for the best to keep some distance from your parents, we need to keep away from anyone who hurts us when in depression - even if it is our own family. it's about 6.20pm here which means it must be 1.20pm for you, hope you can try to have some kind of lunch, maybe just some soup or a banana? hope the rest of the day goes a little better for you mich, my friend, my sister

[xn728]

mich take the dog out ,and listen to some music mich ,i will try and talk to myself tonight in the queit of the dark ,and i come back and be strong for you all i hope ,so lets give each other a hand ,and lets stand up 123,,up we get ,ahhhh thats better ,,,,,,,,,,,,,later mich ,,,,,ken

[xn728]

hi mich be strong mich ,do it for us all ,i will be strong to and sort my head out ,yuove done good today ,,you have hidden strentgh ,it is all around you ,stand when your ready ,,,,,,,,night ,,,,ken