Trying Again

[shatteredhopes]

I'm going to give Wellbutrin another try, in generic form. I tried it a long time ago and it didn't help, but don't remember serious side effects. I pick up the prescription tomorrow. I've got to do something, as I'm getting worse. My sweet mother brought me a sandwich this evening and she is so worried about me. I try to put on a front that I'm okay but she can see my unbrushed hair and teeth and see into my eyes. At least I got a little sleep today, after a nightmare last night, troubled night.

My goals for tomorrow are to pick up the medicine and pay a bill that's due. If I'm able, I would like to redeem one of those latte coupons and get a newspaper, but I'll just have to see. Even the simplest things, like brushing my hair and teeth and eating regularly are overwhelming. I am really grateful my sweet mother brought me that sandwich. She is elderly and in severe chronic physical pain, yet she is trying to look after me a bit. I am grateful, but I feel guilty for worrying her so. I feel guilty when people do things for me I think I should be able to do myself, or ashamed.

[Monty]

I think that it is great that you have a plan.
That you have goals to aim for.

I know when I am very ill often my therapist will ask me what I plan to do in the next week.
A lot of time I am not able to follow through with the plan, but at least I know that there is one in place.

Remember that your mother is your mother, and you are her child, no matter what your ages are. I know that when one of my kids is sick or in trouble I feel so much better if I can physically do something I hope will make life easier for them.

Probably made her good tht she was able to actually do something for you.Sounds like she is a very good person. You are fortunate to have her in your corner.

Hope the Wellbutrin works this time for you.

Look forward to reading how things have worked out for you today.

[Mich]

As Monty said, it's great that you have some goals for today. Treating yourself to a latte sounds wonderful too. Your mom sounds so loving and caring. She is trying so hard to do anything for you that might help. The sandwich was a wonderful idea as you do need to eat. Witholding food only makes depression work and you need to be well nourished in order for depression meds to work.
I know how the simplest self care tasks are overwhelming. I am faced with washing my hair today but really don't think I will be able to do it. If you can today, try to brush your hair and teeth to see if it makes you feel better. Maybe splash a little water on your face. I will try right along with you.
I hope you update again and let us know how your day is going.

[shatteredhopes]

I picked up the medicine and took the first dose and slept two hours. Don't know if it was coincidence or the med made me really sleepy. I paid two bills. That's as much as I could do today.

I'm supposed to go to this meeting and charity function tomorrow for group I volunteer for sometimes. I hope I can do it. If I feel like I did today, I can push myself through it, but if I'm really bad again...I'll just have to see. I hope I can do it, because I will feel better about myself and my life if I can.

Thanks to both of you for the encouragement with today's tasks.

[crybaby1086]

Hey S/hopes! Good luck tomorrow. I hope you find the strength to go do your volenteer work and I'm sure it will help you feel much better. Have a good day!

[xn728]

you will do that charity fuction thing ,and you will stand tall ,and i tell you something ,if you turn and look behind you we will all be there with you
i promise ,know one else will see us but were there dont worry ,thankyou for supporting me ,now i support you ,im strong again and i can carry many burdens ,,,,im not afraid,,,,,,,,ken

[lisalou]

hi shatteredhopes, well done for paying those bills, bet that's one weight off your mind, please don't feel guilty for needing help or for the things you cannot do - depression is a severe illness and every little thing you do, even just getting through the day is a triumph. thinking of you

[Mich]

Hi shatteredhopes - how are you doing today? (Saturday) Did you go to your volunteer function? I am thinking more and more about volunteering as you suggested. Please give us an update if you can.

[shatteredhopes]

I woke up strong but am deteriorating fast. I don't know why my ex dumped me or did it the way he did. I felt like he had contempt for me. I feel so worthless.

I don't know if I'm going to be able to make the volunteer function or not. Depends on whether or not I can fake my way through being "normal." I feel so messed up. I feel so alone in the world. I know I have my mom, and you good people. I haven't talked to my friends in days. I guess I drove them away in all my complaining.

I don't know how much longer I can go on. I hope the wellbutrin helps. I need something. I am losing hope. I feel like all my dreams were just grandiose delusions and there is nothing for me to look forward to now. I feel like the last thing I had to hope for, my relationship and a future with my boyfriend, is gone because I did something wrong or am just too messed up. And I can't stop the bad things from happening. I feel so defective.

[Mich]

Shatteredhopes - Even when it seems that you cannot hang on another minute, please know that you can. Your strength has allowed you to do it before and you can do it again today. The terrible intensity that you are feeling will subside. Draw on those things that have helped you get through in the past. If it's nice day where you are, could you go out and take a few deep breaths of fresh air and feel the sunshine on your face? I just did that to try and relieve myself and for the time I was out there I was not focussing on my pain but instead on the glorious day that Mother Nature had provided.
You are not worthless. You are a precious person on this earth who deserves happiness and relief from your pain. I would like to encourage you to hold on to your dreams. I think it's fabulous that you have them. Don't let them go. Try to take yourself there now; imagine yourself living your dreams. You can make it a reality; I believe that. Please don't give up.
I'm sure you know that you may have to be patient for the Wellbutrin to work. I take it too but I take it in combination with 2 other things. I hope it brings you some relief.
You are not alone. Lots of us are here and listening. Let us help you through this.

[lisalou]

dear shatteredhopes, you may well find that you find strength to go to your function later but if you can't then don't beat yourself up about it, you are already struggling with so much. your friends will still be there for you whether it's days or months that you can't get in contact, true friendship always waits! as for your ex boyfriend, from everything you have said about him it sounds like you are better off without him, you don't need anyone in your life who is going to continue to hurt you and not support you, YOU DESERVE MORE!! good luck with the wellbutrin

[shatteredhopes]

Well, I went to my function and I felt like an alien. It was all I could do to keep from crying, but got through a few hours then excused myself. At least I did it.

I went to the coffee shop and sorta had the same problem I did before, but managed to get through it. It is so hard to stand up for myself right now but I am trying. I will call the headquarters again next week. Meanwhile, I am home, I got through it, so I will check the other posts, have a good cry, and find a way to get through the night.

Thanks ((ALL)) for encouraging me to go and supporting me. You are helping me so much. Just to get it out helps, and to try to boost others when I cannot boost myself.

[xn728]

dear s/hopes i know it was hard ,i dont like facing people either have a hot drink my dear freind ,you have been very brave ,and it will have tired you out i cry in public often these days ,i dont care ,im glad you posted so i knew you were ok ,,,,,its 9,45 here im gonna turn in soon ,what tommorrow brings for me i dont know ,but i hope tommorrow is better for you ,,,well done my freind ,,goodnight ken

[Monty]

shatteredhopes,

I think that you are doing fantastic. It sounds like each day that you are taking on one more task. And completing it.

People that are pro-active (like you) are fighters. I have always found that helps me to think that, if I am going down, I am going down swinging.
You are a fighting a brave battle.You certainly are a fighter. Whether you realize it or not.

Also you are a good person. Don't let that scum that was with you before be the one that plants, in your mind, the thoughts of who are you as a person.

[shatteredhopes]

Thanks so much ((Monty))!

As seemingly impossible as it was yesterday, I felt so good last night that I had at least DONE IT and was so relieved to be home, I actually had an okay night! I slept soundly, no nightmares.

Today, I am hoping to go help my mom with a floor lamp she bought. She brought me a sandwich the other day, so today I want to do something for her. She is unable to get the box out of the trunk of her car, and will need help setting up due to her physical disability. She lives just 5 minutes drive from me, so I am happy to be able to do something for her. It will make me feel good if I do this.

I have always found it easier to do something for someone else than myself when depressed, and so I think the volunteer outing yesterday was one of the best things that could have happened.