Down deep

[lisalou]

today has been another really hard day, i feel so low it's hard to care about anything, everything is really fogged-up and distant. it's so hard to be with people. i feel like i don't belong at work anymore what with being moved around all the different rooms in the nursery and only working with the kids from my own group once in a while. i feel embarrassed talking to people about why i've been off and why i've reduced my hours. i can't talk about how i feel because i feel like i'd just break down. also i can't stop worrying about my relationship with mark, i just feel like the worst girlfriend in the world,i'm either crying and clingy or just want to be on my own and i can't even remember the last time we had sex,the thought of any physical intimacy just really freaks me out these days. he says that he still loves me and i try to be fun sometimes and do little things like make him tea or stroke his back but i just feel it's not enough. i never want to go out anymore so he's started doing his own thing a lot of the time which makes me feel sad and insecure but i still can't motivate myself into doing anything with him and i feel he probably needs some time out from me anyway. and i'm so so broke, i'm only earning about a quarter of what i was on so i cant afford to do anything even if i felt like it. my mind explodes trying to work out bills and buying really cheap food. my body hurts so much with severe IBS and bladder problems and almost constant headaches. i just feel like my whole life could collapse at any moment, nothing feels safe, i'm so insecure all the time, i just feel like hiding in bed. i've had bouts of severe depression ever since i was a child but now i just feel like i'm an ungrateful brat because i had everything i thought i wanted, a wonderful boyfriend, a job, a home, my pet cats and yet it doesn't make me happy and i'm just screwing everything up. more and more i just feel like everything is unbearable and nothing is going to get better

[shatteredhopes]

I know it seems its never going to get better, I feel that way too, but I try to remind myself, at least for me, it comes in waves...sometimes I'm reasonably okay, sometimes I don't think I can go on.

Before all the tragedy struck my life, I was working a job I loved, had friends, worked a 12 step program, and for the first time in my life, was truly happy and at peace. Not happy, happy all the time, but not depressed either. I had a two year respite for the first time in my life, so I try to remember that and know IT IS POSSIBLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If it could happen for me before, it can happen again. If it can happen for me, IT CAN HAPPEN FOR YOU!!!

Can you talk to your partner about your feelings saying you know you've been insecure, etc., and help him understand and see if there are maybe some simple things you could do for him to improve your relationship? He might surprise you with some ideas or tell you he loves you and he understands! At least keep the communication lines open.

Good for you that you can work, many of us can't at all for long stretches of time. That you push yourself through it is wonderful. You should be very proud, because its SOOOOO hard to work when you are severely depressed.

That shows you have A LOT of strength in you!

Enjoy those kitties. I know they don't fix things, but they love you and are nice to pet, hold, watch, and caring for them can help keep you going.

I understand what it feels like to be overwhelmed in financial distress. I don't know about where you are but in the U.S. 1 in 6 people is in poverty now with the economic woes. You are not alone on that front, just have to do the best you can. I'm in a similar boat where I can't just go to the grocer and get good food, I have to bargain shop for everything then have times where I have no light bulbs or toilet paper and no money....its hard, I know. One thing that helps me, once in while I treat myself to something like a latte or an inexpensive meal out. I deserve it, and so do you. Do kind things for yourself that don't cost money. Like you suggested to me, rub scented lotion on. Take a hot bath, with oil or bubbles if you have it! Splurge on some good tea or cocoa. Pamper yourself and treat yourself special, because you are hurting, you are a special human being, and you deserve small comforts!

Little things really do help, I've found.

I know what it is to think you have everything you think you wanted, but still feel depressed. Its the disease, its not you.

HANG IN THERE! IT CAN GET BETTER, I PROMISE! I know it happened for me once, so it can happen again, and it can happen for you too!

[Mich]

Lisa - I'm so sorry....I know how bad it gets. Please don't think of yourself as an ungrateful brat. You are sick with an illness; an illness that is devastating and very hard to cope with. I agree with shatteredhopes that you are so brave and strong for going to work each day. It must be very hard and yet you are doing it. You are fighting to keep things normal; fighting to get better. I know what you mean about sex. I have no desire for sex whatsoever and now my husband wants to "schedule it" every Wednesday and Sunday. My psych is encouraging me to be open with my husband so maybe you should try talking to Mark about it too. I am sure he will understand that sex is very hard for you right now and maybe there are other things you could do to keep your closeness alive. I am sure he appreciates the things you do. I can tell you are a very loving and caring person.
It's nighttime where you are now. I hope you have enjoyed some dinner and that you have been able to do something to soothe yourself. We need to be gentle and loving to ourselves and believe me, I know it is easier said than done. I am mostly brutal with myself but am going to make an effort tonight to be kinder.
Please keep updating. Every day I wonder how you are doing. Take good care.

[lisalou]

thank you so much mich and shatteredhopes for your responses, it means a lot to me that you have taken the time to think about me and reply. i agree that it's taking a lot of strength to go to work, even for just 12 hrs a week and that i should,grudgingly,congratulate myself! i do try to keep talking with mark and he knows i worry that my depression is going to break us up and he says not to worry but i can also see him getting frustrated and lonely too in his own way. i have explained that the whole lack of sex thing is entirely because of my state of mind. he says he doesn't mind and has just given up and forgotten about it in a way, which i find sad too. i have to say though that 'scheduling' sex doesn't sound very romantic though mich, i don't know which charm school your husband went to! it's not going to work if you just feel pressured into it because it's 'that' day. it is evening here now indeed,about half past 8, i have had sausages and baked beans for dinner,we are listening to some music and smudge is sitting on my lap as i type but i still feel no peace

[xn728]

ahhh lisa ,im so broke to ,me and fran we juggle the numbers all the time
we dont drink or smoke ,money is nothing in my world ,im sorry you feel so bad ,i cant tell you anything i havent said before ,but i do know this ,you will rise again and feel better ,good days and bad days ,my days are getting shorter again ever shorter ,and the pain ,i sat in the rain and cryed today ,lonely and alone why ,well this may surprise you ,but i dont think anyone gives a crap ,but you have lots of freinds on here to talk to your young you have time to sort it out ,dont waste it like i did lisa ,dont waste it ,,,,,,,,,,,,kind lisa ,,,,,,,ken

[lisalou]

thank you so much for your reassurance ken. i don't like to think of you sitting out in the rain alone crying, come home, i've put the fire on this time, a big bonfire on the beach and i'm doing some jacket potatoes too and we can all draw crazy patterns in the air with sparklers...everyone's invited xxxxxxxxx