Hi-ho, hi-ho, it's back to work i go....

[lisalou]

well another monday is here again after a long and very depressed weekend, it is a real struggle to be up and getting ready again after being too depressed to get out of my pj's or get out of the house. although i only work 3 hours a day it seems like such a marathon. i don't know if people realise how much i struggle just to get there and do all the little things i do. i feel like being selfish and having another day just lying on the sofa but i know that was not making things any better. i am scared of the day ahead and of another day of being me and being trapped in this mind. i am exhausted at the thought of being at work and lying and smiling and pretending i am not a crazy miserable f***ed-up person

[xn728]

see you later lisa , stay srong dont let the b,,,,,,,ds grind you down ,,ken

[lisalou]

it's such a relief to be home and alone, mark has gone out to his acting class, i don't need to - i act every day pretending to be happy and normal, i am so drained, work was so d**n hard,i am completely spaced out and i almost had to laugh when people asked 'how was your weekend?' although i love those kids so much the comedown i get when i can walk out of the nursery is huge. luckily it is right by a big park so i take a long walk afterwards. there is a tree that is completely hollow, just like me, i like to go right inside, it's one of the few places i feel safe, i just want to be alone all the time as being with people is such hard work and yet i feel so lonely, i am completely messed up

[Mich]

I can only imagine how hard working must be. I really admire your courage. I wish it wasn't so hard on you. If it's too hard for you, could you make an arrangement like "one week on, one week off" just to give yourself a break every other week? I know it is tough to work these things out with employers. I just want you to feel better. I know what you mean about being so lonely and yet also suffering when around people. I feel the same way. Please know that you have my love and support. I am here and I am listening.

[lisalou]

thank you so much mitch, it's so nice to know that you are there for me and are also on your computer all the way over the Atlantic and different time zones! i don't know if having weeks off would help, having a break makes it all the harder to go back and i am so desperate for money as it is, i literally have nothing now until i am paid which will probably be about next wednesday, at least it will stop me buying so much food,i am frustrated with how fat i am getting. i am so tired even though i am doing much less than i used to and can sleep in a lot later in the morning. everything is exhausting