Discourged

[blueisgreen]

Reading how supportive everyone is being here is such an
expression of generosity of spirit. The world is a better place for all of you in it.
Shattered, please forgive me if this seems wrong, but I think your x said those
cruel things on purpose, to twist you up and mess you over. Somehow he found it easier to break up with you by being mean, other than being kind. You said yourself he had some unpleasant tendencies, so
I hope you can see that anybody who would do this to you does not deserve your heart and soul. Maybe at some point further on down the road you'll thank him for getting out of your life. I wish you well. Try to go out for gas and a paper, if you can, it's a small goal and you'll feel really good if you do it.
Best wishes.

[shatteredhopes]

((Lisa)) unfortunately, walking is not an option for me today because of severe knee pain. But the cream cheese is a good suggestion!

((BlueisGreen)) He is very sick, too. I am fortunate that in my sick I have never wanted to harm anyone other than myself. I guess I cut him slack because of his sick. He's just so judgemental and critical and has anger issues. Yes, I know in my head somehow I am better off without him, but not in my heart. I still love him and miss him. Sick huh? If he loved me, he would have called or contacted me. My guess is he was using me to have someone to cling to in his darkness. Now he has found someone else, who unfortunately will likely experience similar treatment.

I guess its like hostages who come to identify with or care for their oppressors, the way we sometimes love those who abuse or mistreat us. He had a lot of really good qualities, but a friend reminded me even the worst people in the world have some good qualities, don't they?

Today I'm more messed up over old trauma that he has triggered, intentionally or unintentionally. I am grateful I did not move across the country to live with him as he wanted me to. I'd be homeless today.

Thanks for pointing out he might have been deliberately cruel. Whether it was intentional or not, I have to let go and forgive as best I can.

[shatteredhopes]

Sleep is my only respite...but my knees hurt so badly I can't sleep. Once in a while the physical pain is so bad I can't sleep. Unfortunately, that leaves me alone with my thoughts in the late night.

I fear I will never get well enough to make much of a difference in this world. There is so much I wanted to do, but the depression is winning, compounded by PTSD, which had been under control until recently. Too many triggers.

I see the doctor next month, and will ask about something to help me sleep when needed. I'm afraid of something like ambian or the sleeping meds that people have done wild things like driving while asleep, unaware....trazadone makes me feel drugged and hung over in the morning, but it may be my only option, especially since its pretty inexpensive. Does anybody know another option?

I am going to drink some milk. I forgot I had milk until a friend asked earlier if I had any...now at least I remember I have milk so I can eat cereal when I can't fix anything substantive to eat.

Why can I write posts, yet struggle to do something simple like brush my hair or cook some rice or heat soup?

I wish I could afford therapy or get a fee reduction. Too many bills already.

I feel so empty and alone. So I will re-read all your kind, loving, supportive posts to remind me, I AM NOT ALONE. Hoping we can all find some relief tomorrow.

Earlier today, I was positive I was going to have go into the hospital. But that is the absolute last resort for me. That experience I had a few years ago was so traumatic, I fear hospitalization, only this time, I will try to go to another hospital I had been to before that seemed okay, but it would be expensive, and so its the last thing I want to do unless there's no other choice to keep me safe.

Thanks to ((ALL)) of you, for you kept me from needing to go to the hospital today with your supportive posts.

[Monty]

It is odd that I decided that I would read, just one more post, before I have to go to bed. That it was one about sleeping problems. I also have a lot of trouble in the sleep department.

Like most things it takes one who has had chronic insomnia to know just how difficult it is to operate on a few hours sleep (usually broken sleep) a night.

I just can't seem to sleep. I take trazadone for sleep. I also add seroquel, cloneazepam, zopiclone and nozinan to the mix.

I have had so much trouble sleeping that when I say that I haven't had a good sleep the previous night, that my friends pipe up "well you are used to that aren't you".

Don't seem to understand that it starts to affect you if, for night after night, you watch the whole world turn off the lights and go to sleep. You on the other hand just wait for the morning to come.

I think that it is fantastic that you are able to send off posts to us. It is good that you can dig down deep (I am sure that it is a struggle) and reach out for help.

You are with friends here.

Hope, we both, sleep well.

[xn728]

sleep we,ll monty ,and shatteredhopes were glad you found us,and monty ,
welcome home sleep well blueisgreen ,,goodnight all,,,,,ken

[lisalou]

shatteredhopes...i am so sorry to hear about your knee problems,it is incredibly depressing to be in constant pain,especially when it interrupts your sleep. i have severe IBS and problems with my bladder which makes me feel like i constantly need to pee so i know how awful and frustrating it is to be in discomfort with seemingly no end. have you tried putting ibuprofen gel on your knees? are you on any medication for the pain? hope today is a better day for you and that you managed to get some sleep

lisa xx

[xn728]

my life is in storys ,maybe you havent seen it yet ,ill be adding more
soon ,,,my life is depression ,i just get let out now and then ,,,,ken

[shatteredhopes]

I got about 3 and a half hours sleep. Hard because I get mentally sicker when I don't sleep. My knees are still hurting. I take oral ibuprophen, use topical pain gels, and take hot soaks in the bath for relief. I took three baths yesterday just hoping the heat would help, but still much pain. I used to take celebrex, but it is too expensive for me right now, plus with potential risk of heart problems, I'd have to go back on cholesteral meds and maybe blood pressure meds too...all more money than I have at the moment.

I took a bath this morning, and washed my hair. My goal for the day is to get out and get gas and see people face to face.

Fortunately, late last night a dear friend called on the chance I might be up and we talked a long while. I told him about not brushing my hair or teeth for days, and he told me how cute he thinks I am, which made me feel good.

I talked to another dear friend twice. Both friends think my ex is a total blankety-blank-blank and keep telling me I'm so much better off without him.

Why are we sometimes, as Ken profoundly said, drawn to the light which burns us?

Maybe its low self-esteem, that I put up with such mistreatment for so long. I am that kid again who feels like I deserved the abuse, or something is wrong with me for him to treat me the way he did. I can rationalize truth, I just have trouble with the emotional acceptance and letting go. Part of my PTSD also stems from some things associated with terrible losses.

I feel defective right now on so many levels.

Thanks again for all your caring and supportive posts.

[xn728]

heyyyyyy im glad your a little more positive today ,its nice to see you getting around the forum ,you feel better soon ,im sure ,i know im stuck with this thing ,but you must keep searching ,and dont give in ,you will find what you are looking for ,,,,,,best wishes ,,,,,,,ken ,,xn728

[Mich]

Shatteredhopes - I understand the depths of depression where showering and self care is impossible. I sleep and live in the same clothes day after day and I know how hard it must have been to do your teeth and hair and I am really proud of you for doing it. You have an inner strength that burns deep within you....I can read it in your posts. You are a beautiful person who deserves a wonderful life. I am so sorry that you have suffered so both as a child and in recent life. I wish I could take everyone's pain away....we didn't deserve any of it. I am horrified by your hospitalization story but so very proud of you for blowing the whistle. That took tremendous strength and courage and you have made things better for others. Take care today. You are not alone.

[lisalou]

a big well done for having that bath and washing your hair, i bet you're looking lovely! i have not taken those steps today or done my teeth or changed out of pj's but hey i'll be something to frighten the trick or treaters!!! and the fact you had a friend who called you and was willing to spend time talking and reassuring you shows what a nice person you must be

lisa xx

[shatteredhopes]

My mom called again today to invite me to lunch. This time I forced myself to go. I even put on make up, clean clothes. I could hardly talk through lunch, but my mom was okay with that and I did manage at the dessert buffet to chat with and smile at an elderly woman. It was really nice to have a good meal when I have just been eating crackers and spoonfuls of peanut butter because I'm not up to fixing anything. I was so bolstered by this outing, I went and got gas and a newspaper. I pray sometimes as I drive to whatever God there might be "Help" "Thank You" when I avoid an accident or realize I am not concentrating on the road.

An elected official I know was going to be in town today and I kept thinking I would go talk to him about this idea I have...no matter how much self talk I tried, I chickened out and could not go. I wanted to go use those free latte coupons, but was still afraid to go and didn't want to risk what little hope and positivity I have at the moment.

As I said before, break ups are hard on anyone, but with mental illness already in the mix, it has been crippling. I was supposed to be spending tonight, Halloween in the states, with my ex. I didn't even buy candy for the trick or treaters. I'm so afraid tonight is gunna be very hard. But, I have to think about my poor little neice on the opposite side of the country. She has the flu and won't be able to trick or treat with the other kids. She must be soooooo disappointed.

I get so teary eyed IN A GOOD WAY when I read your kind, caring posts friends. You are literally carrying me through this right now. I notice how we can show so much compassion for others yet not for ourselves.

THANKS ((ALL)). I am looking forward in the coming days to reading a lot of the older posts and getting to know all of you better.

[xn728]

forgive me for shortening your name but im not the best typer,im glad you got out ,dont worry to much about tonight ,it will come and go ,tommorrow is another hard day i know ,i dont like sundays but you
know what is happening to you ,and thats a good thing ,i see many strange things daily in my life ,so real i could reach out and touch them
my depression sends them to hurt me ,but i have to go on .giving up is not an option,you are strong and you will survive you may show the scars
but you will see it through ,the replys you get to your posts will help you
im glad you enjoy it here goodnight ,,,,,,,,,xn728,,,,,,,ken

[lisalou]

congratulations on going out! you must be so proud of yourself! and as you've seen,once you've taken one step you feel more confident to take the next one,such as getting your gas and newspaper. just as things can go in a downward spiral, so they can go in an upward spiral

[Monty]

Hi,

Think that it is fantastic that you went out for lunch with your mom and were able to eat.

It seems like a lot of elderly people, are lonely and just appreciate someone spending a little time with them. Good on you for talking to that women at the buffet. You probably made her day.

You also went out and got gas and a newspaper. Give yourself a couple of pats on the back from me. You dun good.

Glad that we are able to help with our posts. Know that you do the same in return.