I have depression and anxiety and also issues with self-esteem. I know very well that I am a needy person and I don't feel complete unless I am with some one. However, after being cheated on and used and lied to, I became very dispairing of ever finding happiness and it probably triggered the bad episode I had been suffering over these last few months. I hate myself for letting that pathetic excuse of a man get to me like that but some one once said to me "If you don't trust 100%, then you rob yourself of the experience of being truly loved" and I think that's true. I also read a similar adage "Give nothing but the best to the one you love, but expect nothing but the best in return." So when ever I get into a relationship, I start with a clean slate, I give them the benefit of the doubt and I try to trust them unless they give me reason not to. However, after being let down so badly before, I am finding things even more difficult than they were already.
I have hooked up with a man who has been a very good friend to me and we share quite a similar outlook on life. Neither of us want kids, we are both pretty simple in our desires for the future, we share similar intrests, hold similar values, etc but I think we are different enough to make it interesting. I know that sounds like I am getting ahead of myself but I think this is actually the first relationship I have been able to have where I can enjoy being in the moment of it. I can just enjoy his company and talking for hours and I don't feel any great rush to declare undying love, propose, etc.
The biggest thing for me is that I trust him almost 100%,despite us living nearly 3 hours apart. I know he wouldn't cheat on me and I know he is not a liar. What he says is what he means and I don't have to go looking for hidden meanings. He is the sweetest, warmest, kindest, most honest man I have ever met.
Despite that, I find my neediness getting the better of me. Like when we first fessed up that we liked each other, we spent pretty much all day every day talking, either on MSN, texts, etc. Of course, the intensity and excitment of a new relationship does naturally die down and I think that's happening now. That and he has been very busy with work and his home life has been chaotic lately. But if he doesn't reply to a text or if he isn't on MSN in the evening, the irrational part of my mind starts thinking he's gone off me.
Even tho the night before he was just telling me how much he was looking forward to seeing me. This is exactly the kind of behaviour that I am sure ruined my last real relationship and I don't want it to happen to this one. Can anyone relate to this and offer me some advice on how to get a handle on it?
Also, I am trying to work out if my mental health problems are going to be an issue. He knows all about them through our friendship but I don't know if he realises how sick I am/have been with them. I explained my low self-esteem to him and also asked him to point out if I am being paranoid or worrying needlessly about something. We have also discussed how my short term memory is poor because of the anxiety (being so constantly worried that it's all I think about and I am unable to recall things that I need to) and I have told him about having a breakdown at 19. When I mention such things, he mostly goes all quiet on me or offers me a hug. A hug is sometimes all that I need for reassurance but I am worried his silence about my problems might cause an issue later. I am trying to see it from his point of view and trying to make it easier by explaining how to handle me if I am very down for example. I need some one who can look after me when I am sick like that and I am not sure if he will be able to. Again I am wondering if anyone else has had similar issues in relationships. I would greatly appreciate any feedback.
Apologies for the long post but I suppose I am being quite complicated. Take care everyone,
Netti