Depression Understood Forums

Long story short cuz I'm new here and anything longer would be more fitting to intro forum BUT I recently started therapy again and wow, its opened pandora's box. Therapy itself is triggering due to a manipulative ex who used it against me to try to convince me that I was crazy. I explained this my therapist during my second session which was good, but despite having so much I want to say during our meetings, all I can do is shut down. Or get incredibly anxious. He says I have a nearly non-existent window of tolerance. Anyway, we've only had 3 meetings so far and here we are the day after our latest and I'm just overwhelmed with negative thoughts. Don't get me wrong, I really like my new therapist so this isn't about him. I'm just struggling to deal with all this crap that I've been repressing thrust back out into my consciousness. I just need to find a place where others can relate so here I am.

Okay, not a very active place to post apparently, or no one can relate. I'll just chat with myself. Got a call today about a job I had interviewed for. Unfortunately the actual job description was completely different from the one I applied for. I would have never applied for this position as it stands now. Although I said I would think about the offer and get back to them, I fear I would be miserable in the position. I'm just so disappointed and discouraged. It doesn't help that I'm turning 50 next month. I'm so lucky to be alive yet I'm squandering it away. I'm so lucky period yet feel so ungrateful. I'm just a disaster.