Depressed Struggle/ My Brain

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Joined: Sun Aug 06, 2017 6:16 pm

Depressed Struggle/ My Brain

Postby FallRain » Sun Aug 06, 2017 6:33 pm

It's wondrous how people say they are always there for you, that no matter what you can talk to them, but the problem isn't talking to them. It's knowing that it will be uncomfortable. They won't understand, and after a bit they will start feeling overwhelmed and act different towards you. So you can be there for that person but you won't want to stay in their mind. It's a dark place and once you get lost it's now your maze as well. When depression hits you at your lowest and even if you don't want suicide to be the final thought, it will happen. Depressed minds will come up with every possible instance where alienation is the best outcome. That something is wrong with them no matter what they are told, because in that mind set you are the problem, and no one else should suffer because of that. I'm to the point where it scares me because I know how many family members and friends I have, and I see the devastation that is caused by a decision that selfish. No matter how much I hate the idea my brain is telling me "it'd be much better for everyone in the long run." I am scared that there will be a point where I slip and lose control of my own mind. By that point will there even be a "me" left or just a husk of a person I used to be. At that point nothing else will matter, cause I will believe whole-heartedly that it is the only option. There is no one to turn to in times like these, you'll lose friends and social interactions if you start saying what you actually feel. You laugh and make jokes just to keep up a thin charade that everything is fine, even trick yourself into thinking it, but once you are alone or have cancelled plans and idly have to sit and stew on what's really going on, you start to realize how Twisted your brain really is. That's even more to pile on top of every other insecurity that has been weighing, bubbling, and festering to the top and you HAVE to face it. In case you aren't aware that's when it kicks in the most, and you start believing "Well, what if it wasn't cancelled? or No one really wants to hang or talk to you?" Did you let it slip? Can they tell you're a freak? Do they hate you? You would hate you, hell you already do." How are you supposed to communicate that to people without them looking and reaffirming that you are completely f***** which makes it far worse. If I tried explaining this to you how could you handle it? You become this toxic thing in your own mind that is disgusted by the mere thought of your own self. It's never something you want or need to go through in your own mind and every part of you that knows this, screams at you. It's not okay seek help!! Then your left with the issue of talking to someone again and the worry of losing what you have over what gymnastics your brain is flipping in just because you cant handle it yourself. I don't know about anyone else and my mind maybe different(it's nothing I'm not used to) but this is what I struggle with. There is nothing glorious or beautiful for a mind that's gone dark. It's scary, constantly searching for a light to guide the path. Instead all you can see are fireflies that lead you to deeper slopes, when all you want is there to be someone there with a lantern to lead you to safer steady ground. While searching for anyone or thing that can help you, you keep hiding the wave of darkness by putting up a brightly colored wall so people only see that, missing that you are slipping deeper into the dark. All of that because you don't want to pull them in with you, for any number of reasons, whether it's; fear of rejection, opening up, falling back down, or whatever other fears that come into mind that prevent you from seeking the help that can lead you out. For most people the answer would be "Why don't you go to a professional?" Well in most cases a private therapist, doctor, spiritual guide, etc. are rather expensive. You could go to state ones but most of them are there for their state paycheck(not all but a good bit of them) . It's bad enough for a person that is depressed already thinking they are low and believing they are a sad sack to everyone anyways, it makes them feel even more wrong and uneased. Then encountering the people that are supposed to be helping and not only are they obviously not interested in your issues but they are only okay with getting you a prescription, instead of spending time working through your problems, so they can get you out of the office and go home to their "normal" lives. Anyone, especially hyper aware depressed people, can see when they are so blatantly dismissed as a "patient" not a person. In turn all the progress the person made to just work up the nerve, courage, and strength to finally seek help has been full scale thrown into the depths of their own problems more isolated and alone feeling than ever.
To conclude, how would you handle all of this if that was your brain 24/7, cause if you've struggled you know that there is little sleep or there are days worth of nightmares.

Posts: 4
Joined: Sun Aug 20, 2017 10:38 pm

Re: Depressed Struggle/ My Brain

Postby hope_sam » Sun Aug 20, 2017 10:42 pm

I think the following bracelet is extremely helpful for people struggling with mental health issues: This bracelet constantly reminds me of what matters most in my life. Every thirty minutes, it buzzes slightly, and a picture I added to the bracelet pops up. I added pictures of my family, inspiration quotes, and pictures of my career goals and dream vacations. This bracelet definitely helps me keep site of the bigger picture and not get caught up in the small things...New version coming out soon...

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