Long but I hope this helps someone out there

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Long but I hope this helps someone out there

Postby AaronL » Sun Jan 29, 2017 5:53 pm

I know this might be quite long but just bare with me if you suffer with depression. Depression and mental health are two of the biggest taboo subjects for people to admit to or talk about and are always misunderstood by people who have never felt that way, even sometimes by people who do feel that way. So why am I sitting here in my bedroom with the sudden urge to just write something down and ramble and probably not even make sense? To be honest I really don’t know. Maybe someone will read this someday and make sense of it or relate to it, maybe I just owe to myself to just do SOMETHING, I feel that is a very very very important word when it comes to depression. So now onto some rambling if you have even read this far. So, I have suffered with depression for about 9 years now and have never told a soul until recently! Why? I felt embarrassed, I felt ‘ Someone else who really needs help is better off with the doctors help’, I also felt that there really isn’t any point as I hadn’t been truly happy in a long long time and felt as if I never really would be (naïve I know right!). I think fairly often about when did all this start but I honestly couldn’t say when or why. I used to be a very fun guy, I had huge self-confidence and I really did love life, I’ve always found it really easy to make friends and have a lot of really good friends. Maybe adult hood and life took its toll, who knows? At first I just started to feel a bit down now and then but the longer I left it and ignored the fact I had a problem, as many of us do with many different things, suddenly I fell into a deep depression and man that sucked bad! I had no motivation to work (I actually quit my job because I couldn’t face going in), to brush my teeth, to wash, to eat or just generally take care of myself. I just really hated myself and life and became very negative about most things. I drank a lot (not an alcoholic), I sat in my room a lot and basically became a shell of a person and for me , the worst thing, didn’t feel like me anymore. That was/is a strange feeling, I mean I know we all change as we get older but I just had this empty feeling inside that I can’t quite describe other than just MEH. So what did I do about these feelings? Nothing at all! Sweet FA. I sat and wallowed in self-pity a lot, as said before drank a lot, bottle everything inside and pretend I was fine. I didn’t seek help like a normal person would do, I just kind of rotted for a bit. The one thing I did do was never any of my friends or family that I felt like this, I literally put on an act, I mean I literally should of taken up acting because no one had a clue I felt like this and I actually thought to myself ‘ maybe if I act like this ill actually wake up and suddenly feel like this again and the world will be all good again, god you’re so clever’. I didn’t and it wasn’t surprise surprise, because it’s all to do with the grey matter between your ears and that’s pretty hard to trick and even harder to try and escape from. So why is it that something that many many people around the globe suffer with but can’t help at all and is really out of their own hands, so scary to talk about and admit? The fear of people making fun? The fact that like it or not for some reason it’s seen as a bit of a weakness? The fact you don’t want people to feel pity towards you? I guess there’s a lot of reasons but I really do believe one of the main ones is the fear of admitting it to yourself, having that feeling of failure, that feeling of ‘I’m not good enough why doesn’t anyone else feel like me?’ The funny thing is that I bet if everyone was hones, that a lot of people you actually did tell would probably of felt similar at some point which is ironic that its seen as such a ‘weak’ thing. Listen, if you feel like you need help then just go and tell someone, if anyone thinks you’re ‘weak’ f*** them, you’re brave as shit to go and admit to your friends or a doctor that you have a problem and honestly you will feel much better for it. 9 years was a long time to wait, way to long. I became extremely suicidal, I was reading so many ways to kill myself and the most efficient and settled on my chosen method. So how am I sitting here writing this long arse pointless memo? I was too scared to do it! I know people say suicide is selfish and in a way I agree but could you imagine being trapped in your own mind 24/7? Feeling absolute self-loathing? Of constant torment and grief? Of constant fear and not seeing it ever being able to stop? Believe you me it takes a lot of guts to actually go through with it! So here’s the thing, did I really WANT to die? Not really but I did have this incredible urge to die just to I wouldn’t have to feel the way I felt anymore and that’s when it hit me. I need help! That was honestly one of the scariest things having to go into work and tell my boss everything but after all the fear behind it he was really good about it. So I went and saw a doctor, I took a few weeks off work because at this point I really was too suicidal to work and in that time I had a long think about life and where I wanted to get and kind of set a few goals. Admittedly them goals aren’t going to well at the moment but at least I did SOMETHING (there’s that word finally!) and this is really the main reason I laid in my bed and began to type, because if you’re reading this and you felt anything similar to what I have and are afraid to tell someone or think that there’s no point and that things will never get better, then just know that what I’m about to say isn’t from a book, I never studied this at university, No one has ever gave me words of wisdom to just pass on, what I say is from the heart and from experience. I’m still depressed but at least I’m not actively looking for ways to kill myself anymore which is a step forward right? First things first TELL SOMEONE, I don’t care who just tell someone you trust and the feeling of relief will be unreal, honestly, it will be a huge weight off your shoulders then obviously you should see a doctor and they will give you the medical advice that you need etc but what comes next? The big bad world that’s what! Yep it can be a terrifying place that owes you nothing and will give you nothing unless you go out and at least TRY to do something about it, no matter how small or whatever it is just do SOMETHING. You’ve come this far right? You’ve just admitted you have a problem so try not to go 1 step forwards and 3 steps back by going into that whole ‘this is too hard’ thing like all of us that have suffered have felt and relapse, you have to keep moving forward or at least TRYING to move forward by doing SOMETHING! ‘What the f*** is this something this guy keeps yapping on about?’ Well, I’ll use caps just to emphasize but, WHATEVER THE f*** MAKES YOU HAPPY!!! When people say ‘ ah well nothing makes me happy ‘ there is always something. Seeing friends, swimming, masturbation, exercise, playing the guitar, whatever it is just cling on to it and do it a lot. We don’t want to feel like this right? No of course not so in the short term just do things that make you happy, take some you time and be selfish and just do whatever YOU want, do whatever will make YOU feel better. Force yourself to brush your teeth, to shower, to even do your make up even if you’re not going out. Try anything possible to make yourself feel good, try to make yourself feel like you did before you got depressed, try to realise people do care, try to realise you’re worth something, try to make yourself realise that this isn’t your fault but it’s not going to get better by sitting around doing nothing you have to do SOMETHING never do NOTHING because that’s when the steps backwards come into play and we don’t want to go back to that place huh! I’m not an expert, I’m not the smartest of blokes, I haven’t been around many depressed people, but I do know exactly how you feel and how low of a place you can go to. It’s not nice and it’s hard, really f****** hard, don’t beat yourself up if you have a bad day but try not to wallow either, if you’re having a low day try and remember what made you happy last time you felt like that and just go and do it or maybe think of a new thing you could try to make you feel better. Life is tough for most of us in this world and depression can make it 10x harder but at some point in all of our lives, we have been happy, we know the world can be a brilliant place, we crave that feeling as humans. What is it that most people want in life deep down? Happiness I would say?! Now relationships come and go, family members may die, friends may move away but there is always one person in your life who you can rely on, who can make you happy, who knows all your secret thoughts, who knows all your deepest desires and what you really want in life and that’s YOU! Can we really be happy if we don’t love ourselves? The one person who is ALWAYS going to be in your life 24/7? Read this and take a few minutes to list somethings that you like about yourself, do that every day if you have to, start trying to learn to love yourself, it might sound stupid but just try it what is there to lose? So I’ve rambled on a lot here and I don’t know if any of it makes sense, I’m not much of a writer and I’ve never done anything like this and I’m still not sure why I did or if I’ll even ever show anyone this but it strangely felt pretty good getting some of that of my chest but I’ll leave you with one more thing to think about for the people who are really feeling suicidal out there who may read this. When I told a friend how suicidal I was we had a chat and one thing he said is this ‘ Listen promise me one thing. Don’t do it tomorrow or next the day ‘. I said why? ‘ because tomorrow can always be a better day, if one day it gets too hard and you do it then I won’t blame you or hate you, but everyday just always try and get to tomorrow’. Now them words are true for everyone in life not just depressed people but I genuinely think them words have helped keep me alive through some pretty ropey moments, I truly hope they might help keep you alive too. Even if you have to claw your way through the day minute by minute just ALWAYS try to see tomorrow because who knows, it could just be a better day! I hope someone takes something out of this long arse memo/ whatever it is and to anyone suffering reading this I wish you all the best on your journey towards being happy again but just remember this. ALWAYS DO SOMETHING NEVER DO NOTHING. Good luck!

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Joined: Mon Jan 30, 2017 6:38 am

Re: Long but I hope this helps someone out there

Postby Simm20 » Mon Jan 30, 2017 7:17 am

Thank you. Just thank you so much for this. Reading this I felt like I know you from somewhere at the back of my head, or maybe I felt that way was because of the way the things you wrote reflected with what I'm feeling.

That feeling you talk about - about being empty- a feeling you can't describe- I've been feeling it for two years now and it just completely sucks. And the last two months I've felt like slowly my life was returning to normal- like I was genuinely happy and feeling alive and had a purpose maybe. But today- its like some switch flipped inside and then came this overwhelming feeling of fear and anxiety and this rush of hopelessness and despair. Like a flood ready to drown me out.

What hit home the most was what you said about pretending to be happy and normal around family and friends- god, its such a painful task, isn't it? And the more you do of it, you feel like eventually it'll turn into your reality- but all it did for me was make me more hollow.

And I know you said -the first thing to do is Say Something- to talk to someone. But I feel as though I have no one- like if I tell family and friends, they will never see me the same way. And that would hurt me more I think. Last year I went to a therapist with my father- but it didn't help much cause I think when I tried to tell him about my depression- he tried to think of finding a quick fix for it. He's always been a great father- but I don't think he has the capacity to understand what I'm going through. My relationship with my mother is way too strained and has been that way for years now. And I could never burden my sister with any of this- and my friends, as lovely as they are- I can't bare to ever see the look in their eyes if they know the type of thoughts I had and the way I was feeling.

So instead I'm rambling to you- fellow stranger on the internet- and I hope thats okay because today has been terrible and I'm tired of thinking of the point of life and tired of feeling like wanting to just die. I had to do something. And so I've found this forum. I think I'll post later in depth just to sort through the mess in my mind. But for now- I just had to get something out of the system and your post helped me do that. Thank you for that.

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Joined: Wed Jan 25, 2017 5:46 pm

Re: Long but I hope this helps someone out there

Postby CurryKidNick » Mon Jan 30, 2017 8:43 am

Go get help people. Tell someone.

It always makes it better not worse.
Making the day better one post at a time!

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Joined: Tue Jan 31, 2017 10:56 pm

Re: Long but I hope this helps someone out there

Postby AEM » Tue Jan 31, 2017 11:26 pm

Thank you for sharing. I am glad that you were able to get your story out there for others to read. I think that reaching out to others who can understand what you are going through is a great step in the right direction. It can be very difficult for even the most well meaning family members or friends to understand something like depression if they have not been there themselves. I can relate all too well to much of your story. Depression is a crippling condition that leaves you feeling like an empty shell of the person that you really are. It is incredibly painful to live life feeling as though you are dead on the inside, wishing you could just be happy and live your life to the fullest. Depression sucks, but just know that you are not alone. There are many others out there who are going through similar feelings. Don't ever be afraid to reach out to others. There are people who get what you are going through. Best of luck to you.

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