It's back

Everyday life. How was your day?

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daffodilly
Posts: 37
Joined: Fri Jul 30, 2010 5:21 pm
Location: Alabama

It's back

Postby daffodilly » Wed Jul 13, 2016 1:10 pm

I spent years dealing with depression. That horrible, heavy, can't breathe, can't focus, can't function kind of depression.

I tried the typical depression meds, bipolar, atypical, anxiety, everything they could think of meds. They even tried seizure medicine even though I'm not epileptic. Some of it worked a little. NONE of it worked well.

Idk what happened though. Eventually I started feeling a little better, not quite so heavy. The change was very gradual, almost unnoticeable, but somehow, one day, the depression disappeared. Like it was really gone. I've been almost 3 years depression free. At first I sort of expected it to come back, like I was looking around the corner for the boogie man. It was much like having a bad case of hiccups. When they disappear your body is still tensed, preparing for the next one even though it isn't coming. Eventually I relaxed and began to enjoy my life. Such a relief!

And now, out of nowhere, my old and much unwanted companion, Depression, has returned. I can't say there weren't warnings, there have been days and moments when the old thoughts tried to return. When dark thoughts woulitd be attacking my mind. But I fought those moments off fairly effectively. Now. They won't go away. Now. I'm a prisoner again. Now. I'm struggling to understand what I've done to cause this to return. And what I can do to make it leave.

It's been so long my support system has disintegrated. I no longer have a therapist, my GP has stopped asking questions regarding my mental health, my husband and children have stopped watching me as closely, and of course I'm afraid to ask for help. That's part of the depression, lol. So today I will make an appointment with a therapist, and another with my GP. And somehow I have to be strong enough to admit I need help. I keep telling myself that if I get help now it won't be as difficult of a recovery. Idk. Hope so. And by posting here I've created an area of accountability.

daffodilly
Posts: 37
Joined: Fri Jul 30, 2010 5:21 pm
Location: Alabama

Re: It's back

Postby daffodilly » Thu Jul 14, 2016 8:29 pm

Today I went to the Dr. Surprisingly it wasn't too hard to open up to him. He started me on the only meds that actually worked somewhat.

My blood pressure was high... 170/106. Probably nerves but idk.

We did blood work just in case something was off there. Next Thursday is my appointment with my therapist. Hoping to stop the progression.

daffodilly
Posts: 37
Joined: Fri Jul 30, 2010 5:21 pm
Location: Alabama

Re: It's back

Postby daffodilly » Sat Jul 16, 2016 5:22 pm

Today I'm struggling. Not wanting to do anything, but knowing that since my son is home from college for a week, I have to make his stay comfortable. And of course I want to do things with him. If only I had the energy.

This morning we watched a cooking show and lots of YouTube videos for making sushi. We made a grocery list, and will hopefully have a sushi night on Monday. Idk. Gotta come up with a little money first.

After that we went to pizza hut, which was my daughter's choice. We couldn't agree on a pizza we could all enjoy so we settled for two mediums at 649 each. Not bad. But they got my pizza wrong. Completely. The waiter was training and said he put the order in the computer wrong. And the cook was training to so she messed up washy he wrote down. But. We still had to pay for it, even though the manager even said it was wrong. And somehow what should have been around 15 dollars ended up being 20. I was upset about the whole thing, and my son was frustrated that I was even mentioning it to the manager. I didn't yell or make a scene. Idk. I'm just tired of feeling walked on. If they don't do their jobs right, why should I have to pay? We ate one slice of the pizza before we realized it wasn't right. Idk. It have me a headache.

Then I went to work. Supposed to do the newsletter. Only my computer was being repaired and the loaner is old. I couldn't even figure out Microsoft word. Neither could my tech guy. So after 4 hours of stressful office with no results, I left. And now I'm looking forward to facing my boss. Not.

Now I'm here, on a depression forum. Honestly wondering why I'm trying. It used to be that people responded to posts. Idk. I guess I'm not saying the right things? Maybe not the right....what? Idk. But that seems to be my world. I was just hoping for something different here. Regardless. That's why I'm responding to myself. Tired of feeling alone.

100footpole
Posts: 477
Joined: Fri Oct 03, 2014 1:26 pm

Re: It's back

Postby 100footpole » Sun Jul 17, 2016 12:16 pm

Hi Daffodilly,

Thanks for reporting in. I am not sure why no one is answering your posts ... I really identify with what you said, but have not great advice to give.

I thought this was a good post:
DEPRESSION, ANXIETY AND BIPOLAR DISORDER/Your Story/Sticky points that worked for me

Would you be able to try some of those things and tell us what happened? For your gratitude journal: It is so great that your son is going to college, and has come back to you for the summer. I completely understand that pizza thing, I remember my folks making a scene until the manager finally relented, and I remember how embarrassed I was by them, later people took advantage of me and I got tougher. Once my brother and I went out to Thanksgiving dinner together and the waiter took our money, didn't bring back the change, and we found out went off shift. These days I would get the manager to agree to get me a written apology from the waiter before I left the table. Then my brother and I spent the rest of the day being upset at being ripped off.

My point is that you're not wrong, but I think you did the right thing not embarrassing your son or daughter. I do think you should look up the address of Pizza Hut corporate and send them an Email saying what happened. I am pretty sure that they will make things right for you.

I know what you mean about the look and feel for Word. The old versions are so non-intuitive. When you talk to your boss concentrate on getting his advice on what he would have done in those circumstances. Apologize that you didn't get your work done, and if it is possible have him help you find the solution. Easier said than done with many bosses. Feel free to come back and vent here ....

Please feel free to send me a message, You are not alone.

Vicfran
Posts: 5
Joined: Wed Sep 28, 2016 9:52 pm

Re: It's back

Postby Vicfran » Sun Oct 02, 2016 9:34 pm

Hi Daffodilly,

I've only just joined this forum so have only just seen your post now. Are you still experiencing those symptoms of depression? perhaps you've managed to get some help in the meantime.

Are you stilll feeling that you're lacking in motivation or energy? Horrible, horrible feelings. Like you're trying to move through a thick grey fog. I remember those days. I had persistence depressive disorder for 21 years.

Take it easy on yourself. Watch for negative self-talk and try not to think or ruminate too much about how you're feeling or what's going on in your life. Easier said than done, I know! Try mindfulness, looking with curiosity at some object like a cup or chair and really focus on it. Or try to take some simple action like patting the cat or dog, or stretching your arms and legs, or putting the kettle on and making a cup of tea.

If you've beaten this thing once before, you can do it again. I'd love to know how you go with mindfulness and taking a tiny action to break the negative self-talk.

All the best,
Vicfran


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