Feel horrible today and need help desperately

[Beth Ellen]

Hi everyone. I don't even know where to start . . .

I have been dealing with pretty bad depression for months now. Today so far has been the worst day ever. I have no clue as to why. I broke up with an abusive boyfriend 3 months ago and we have been out of no contact for 9 days now. So that's a good thing.

I am fearful of leaving the house. I hardly do anything because I can't force myself to do much. Feel like I can't truly connect with anybody because my friends and family can't identify. I feel hopeless that I will never be happy again. My therapist, who I see twice a week, says I need to focus on healing childhood wounds. In addition to talking with her I purchased an inner child program to work on. It will help me feel better for a half hour and then that slips away and then I feel bad again.

I am on a bunch of medication for bipolar disorder. I feel utterly lost and paralyzed and don't know what to do, where to begin. I feel like I want to explode! I just want to feel better and "normal"! and engaged with life! I used to work full time as an attorney with a full life, now I don't believe I could even volunteer for a few hours a week. What do I do? I feel like crying out of frustration. Thanks for reading and any support/advice would be greatly appreciated.

[defeated]

Hey Beth,

Thanks so much for sharing, I'm sure many can relate to how you're feeling. I know I definitely can. I'm so sorry today is the worst Did something happen recently?

*lots of hugs*

[Beth Ellen]

I don't know if I'm replying correctly (technically) but I'll try.

I think I know what it's about. My therapist thinks I should focus on childhood stuff since I suffered greatly from emotional abuse from my ex boyfriend. She thinks that experience has triggered childhood feelings to surface. I was already feeling depressed when I met him but in the wake I'm feeling so much worse.

At first I was hopeful about an inner child healing program I found online. It hasn't really helped that much. I can't concentrate when prompted to "do" the visualization. Other people on that forum post about how wonderful their life is having practiced the program. I'm just not feeling it. So I feel hopeless about getting better. I had hoped that would be my ticket to feeling well again. I'm so doubtful that it is and feel hopeless about feeling better. I just don't know where to turn now or what do do.

The only thing I can think to do is go for a walk and I'm going to do that as soon as my hair dries. When reading posts on here I would think to myself, "No matter how bad it is, do something because inaction will get you nowhere." So I apply that to myself and hence the walk idea. Not sure what else to do with the rest of the day. I don't want to lay in bed as I've been drawn to before. It only makes it worse. I feel like I need an ally to do things with but of course people have their own lives.

I joined an in-person social group for women with mental illness. I think no one wants to hang out with me or return my phone calls because I'm so needy and a downer. So just feel terribly alone. Every time I leave the house it makes it worse because all I see are people seemingly happy and living their lives, comfortable and laughing.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Update: went for a walk even though my mind was racing and I couldn't stay in the moment. Yay me! Reached out to a couple of friends to see if they wanted to get together one day next week. One said she can't make it to a Tuesday movie and kind of have the vibe that she's not really interested in getting together. Waiting for reply text from the other one. It feels so good to talk about this stuff. I feel a little uplifted Might try some inner child work today or try meditation or both. My thoughts turn to signing up for yoga or joining the Y to go swimming. Don't know if it's actually a good idea though.

[Beth Ellen]

I kind of got to the bottom of why my depression feels so bad lately by journaling about how I'm feeling. Tremendous sense of loss of a relationship. Finally changed my phone number about 10 days ago. Have not heard from him. He has sent me letters but not this time. I don't think I'll ever hear from him and I won't be contacting him so it's definitely over.

Did some inner child work where I tried to "release" my sadness but I couldn't. Part of me says that's okay because I think I need to feel the sadness to complete the grief process.

I just think the pain of ending a relationship on top of already existing depression probably SHOULD be hard to deal with so I should cut myself some slack. One day at a time here . . .

[defeated]

Beth Ellen

It makes me so happy to hear how much progress you've made just in the last few days. I admire your drive and strength.

I completely agree that a long relationship ending does need a grieving process of its own. I think its great that you decided to cut contact, especially if the relationship was not good for you.

I can't wait to hear what else you've got planned hehe. The in person social group for others with depression sounds like a good idea. Don't be discouraged if you don't make friends right away, I'm sure they just need to get to know you. You seem very nice

*hugs* and I hope you're having a good day.

[ROSIE5]

HELLO BETH,

HOW ARE YOU FEELING?
THIS IS THE FIRST TIME I'VE SHARED WITH PEOPLE OTHER THAN MY PSYCHOLOGIST THAT I FEEL TERRIBLY DEPRESSED.

THE DEPRESSION JUST COMES OVER ME, THE ONLY THING I CAN DO IS TAKE VALIUM AND GO TO SLEEP IN THE HOPE IT MAY BE BETTER ONCE I WAKE UP.

I WENT FOR A WALK TODAY AND WENT WITH A FAMILY MEMBER TO A CAFE, SO FELT A BIT BETTER THEN I CAME HOME AGAIN AND WAS OVERCOME WITH DEPRESSION.

I WAS BROUGHT UP IN AN EXTREMELY RELIGIOUS COMMUNITY WHERE EVERYONE SEEMS TO HAVE PERFECT LIVES, AT LEAST ON THE SURFACE THAT'S HOW IT SEEMS.
PEOPLE THERE ARE JUDGED BY THE CAREER OF THE HUSBAND AND WOMEN STAY HOME, COOK AND MIND THE CHILDREN.
I LEFT THEM YEARS AGO BUT IT MEANT I'VE ALSO LEFT ALMOST EVERYONE WHO I GREW UP WITH AND AS A RESULT AM EXTREMELY ISOLATED.

I ALSO FEEL TERRIBLE TODAY, I CAN HARDLY FUNCTION WHEN I FEEL SO TERRIBLE BUT I DO HAVE HOPE THAN THINGS WILL IMPROVE.

HUGS FROM ROSIE5

[defeated]

HELLO BETH,

HOW ARE YOU FEELING?
THIS IS THE FIRST TIME I'VE SHARED WITH PEOPLE OTHER THAN MY PSYCHOLOGIST THAT I FEEL TERRIBLY DEPRESSED.

THE DEPRESSION JUST COMES OVER ME, THE ONLY THING I CAN DO IS TAKE VALIUM AND GO TO SLEEP IN THE HOPE IT MAY BE BETTER ONCE I WAKE UP.

I WENT FOR A WALK TODAY AND WENT WITH A FAMILY MEMBER TO A CAFE, SO FELT A BIT BETTER THEN I CAME HOME AGAIN AND WAS OVERCOME WITH DEPRESSION.

I WAS BROUGHT UP IN AN EXTREMELY RELIGIOUS COMMUNITY WHERE EVERYONE SEEMS TO HAVE PERFECT LIVES, AT LEAST ON THE SURFACE THAT'S HOW IT SEEMS.
PEOPLE THERE ARE JUDGED BY THE CAREER OF THE HUSBAND AND WOMEN STAY HOME, COOK AND MIND THE CHILDREN.
I LEFT THEM YEARS AGO BUT IT MEANT I'VE ALSO LEFT ALMOST EVERYONE WHO I GREW UP WITH AND AS A RESULT AM EXTREMELY ISOLATED.

I ALSO FEEL TERRIBLE TODAY, I CAN HARDLY FUNCTION WHEN I FEEL SO TERRIBLE BUT I DO HAVE HOPE THAN THINGS WILL IMPROVE.

HUGS FROM ROSIE5

Hey Rosies. Welcome to the forum

I'm sorry you're going through a tough time. Isolation can be so hard and lonely. I'm glad you're here with us, so you're no longer alone. *hugs*

Is there any activities you'd like to do that might help you meet friends? Like a hobby?