January - March 2015
Jan 2015 was the month when my already rocky relationship really ended. We had became distant from each other and were constantly bickering over nothing. I was on my 3rd job since November, I just couldn't stay in one place, it made me feel like life was over. We spent every evening in our local with his friends, a pub in which I ended up working in, getting a takeaway and going home to be miserable lying in bed waiting for the inevitable sleep. This was my life for months. In march I found a new job, more money 9-5 etc. To cover the bills while waiting to be paid I also worked in the pub most evenings and every weekend. I slept with a friend who happened to now be my boss. Ive never felt guilt like it. I literally felt like I was just existing for the sake of my mam (the one person that stops me from self-harming).
April - sept 2015
I was enjoying my new job, or really my escape from reality, and I realised I just couldn't do this anymore, so I broke up with my boyfriend and he moved out the flat. When we broke up he took to hurting me in any way possible. He thought I was sleeping with my new work mate, he called me and my family worse than muck, he kept going into my flat when i wasn't there, trashed it multiple times to the point i was scared to go home to even look after my cats! I can't say i was blameless in the situation either, i said things about his past i am not the kind of person to wish him bad or call his family. It was so bitter i ended up with no friends and having to move out of my hometown of 22 years . He still posts crap about me on facebook occasionally, which alongside all my other problems it goes and.sits in my mind. I was then diagnosed with depression.
I had spent so much time and felt so supported by a friend that we ended up together at the end of June, I know fast right? Wrong, I felt my previous relationship had been over 6 months, nobody took that into account when accusations of an affair rose and I was all the sluts and slags. If only the people that believed that gave me a chance to explain, i wouldnt be in the situation im in now. Everything was great, my anti depressants seemed to be working, work life was good, my relationship was going from strength to strength and I had moved to a new place.
That's it now, life is going to get better, right? Wrong again Amy!
Sept - Dec
September saw me and my boyfriend making plans to move to London, I was so depressed being where I was, I had lost my job, and we wanted a new fresh start. We visited London multiple times so we made our plans to move there, we both pretty much could walk into a job with our various experience and qualifications, so off we went.
The first days in London were bliss, the weather was amazing, our flat was decent in a new estate of high rise buildings and we just couldn't believe we were here! But then it started, back to living in bed, not eating properly and random outbursts of anger. Then no period, holy crap! We were pregnant, unplanned but certainly not unwanted. I got out of bed, I did exercise, I went out walking, I was eating better, we were both so excited. As the days went on my boyfriend was getting more and more agitated and angry and would take it out on me and the cats. During these outbursts my partner hurt himself often too which sent is both back into a deep depression. We quickly realised we couldn't be parents without our families who were hundreds of miles away and moved back to where we used to live.
Three days later I started bleeding, I knew it was common at this stage in pregnancy but nevertheless my partner drove me to hospital when the doctors and nurses reassured me it didn't seem to be a miscarriage. I was kept in anyway, convinced everything was going to be ok. The next morning we went for a scan to make sure everything was fine. Unfortunately it wasn't and I had in fact suffered a miscarriage. I thought it wasn't a common thing and that it was all my fault.
We went on a trip to Ireland for a break after what happened. During our time there we were that depressed we barely went out. This seemed to cause another angry episode from my partner. It got pretty heated and we hit eachother and fought. The next morning he had no recollection of what went on the night before. While I filled him in about everything, staring at his fat lip I could see in his face, while he was looking at my black eye, that it wasn't him the night before. Which had started the prolonged investigation into his mental health. Bi Polar.
Jan-march
So my boyfriend has just been diagnosed with bi polar, im about to start another new job (call centre sales, selling funeral plans, you can see where this is going) all I wants is to try for a baby, but instead im caring for my boyfriend who belittles me, irritates me, and gets everything he wants because im scared to say no! I don't blame him and I do my best to let it go over my head but it hurts, it hurts so much that sometimes I don't think my mam can stop me from self-harming. I've given up on the idea of having a baby, neither of us would make good parents at the moment and that is what is making it so hard to get out of bed. I no longer have hopes or dreams, i cant go to work as i can barely leave the house. I haven't spoken to a single person about all this so i do apologize for being a negative nelly! Thank you so much for reading. All comments welcome. Anyone apprehensive about writing one of these, DO IT! I feel better already
