It could be you have it labeled wrong.

[CitM]

In my opinion, and this is only my opinion, I think emotions originally started as an outward expression of a need unfulfilled. When it is chronically unfulfilled, that's when depression sets in as learned helplessness is an element of depression.

In fact ,there is a good possibility that the misconnecting of labeling of emotions early in life regarding a physiological response might be part of the problem. That and the later message of consumerism that there is an immediate fix for everything.

I'll give you an example. Babies who cry when they are hungry are told two things by the caretakers, he's sad or upset, and then what they think the issue is. So babies now link discomfort or a lack with being sad or upset. Crying is all babies have to communicate that a situation needs urgent attention. They are not necessarily sad or upset.

So now people are adults. Sadness is linked to whatever need is unmet. So an emotional state is not linked to "I need," which could actually be physiological. When the actual 'ideal' solution is unavailable, people try to fill that emotional response with another 'need' one taught early in life. So now we have emotional eaters, people who run to sex when they are sad, money or spending on things when they feel they don't have enough of something, etc. (Buying baby a new toy because they are bored).

What's interesting is the amount of emotional turmoil that surrounds "I'm hungry, or I'm tired, or I don't feel well, or I'm lonely, or I'm cold, etc."

I think one of the differences between mentally well people and people in mental distress is this mislabeled and misconnection in their brains. The result is a lot of giving of oneself something, but not the right something in emotional distress, which often just compounds the emotional distress.

If we could step back from the emotional distress for a minute and take a more objective view of what you really want or need. Then the 'quick fix' loses its power and you find yourself stronger to resist the quick fix later and again attain what you really need over what's handy.

This is the start out of a broken dysfunctional cycle and onto a functional life.

[100footpole]

My cycle started later in life ...

As a "difficult" teenager I was always told ... "You were such a happy baby."

I think a lot of my "difficulty" comes from the fact that I believed a lot of the lies people told me as a child. For instance ... I believed in "Santa" and the "spirit of Christmas" until I was 14. After 10 more years of disappointing Christmases I learned to deal with Christmas like a non-christian ... something better experienced in the Caribbean where the Christmas spirit is easily fungible.

I connect with your distaste for consumerism. But I think the source of depression is more cognitive then an emotion ... I can identify emotions, but I need to come to terms with things that depress me. Either by reflection, or talking them out with the affected parties.

[Itsonlyme]

CitM, hmmmmm.....

You said > If we could step back from the emotional distress for a minute and take a more objective view of what you really want or need. Then the 'quick fix' loses its power and you find yourself stronger to resist the quick fix later and again attain what you really need over what's handy. <

Well I've had 18 years to objectively look at what I really need > a loving, caring, intimate relationship.
....which will never happen. Period.
Nor, have I found any kind of "quick fixes" which would even start to make any difference in my loneliness, either....
Well, okay.... I guess 'sex' could be considered a quick fix for an intimate relationship...
But this would bring me right back to my original problem, which is, NEVER is a woman I'm even slightly interested in, slightly interested in me ?
And even if by some miracle, that finally happened, anybody should know, there are a hundred things that have to work out positively, for a relationship to actually work.... and I can't get to #2.....

And what's worse, I really do have a dozen hard-core issues, any of which might be enough to get in the way of a relationship, but so far, none of this has ever had a chance to matter.....

Which is why I spend 90% of my free thoughts with:

Why do I keep spinning on this hamster wheel ? I sure wish I could hurry up and die. I hate my life, I hate my life, I hate my life.
The sooner my molecules get scattered, the sooner my pain and suffering will be over.

[Ieris]

To Itsonlyme,

I think your problem lies right here:

Well I've had 18 years to objectively look at what I really need > a loving, caring, intimate relationship.
....which will never happen. Period.

Sounds like you've already decided your own fate, you say those words as if its a fact. If you think it's a fact, then why are you still trying? You are trying because there is still a little hope in there somewhere. Stop putting out that little fire and help it grow by believing in yourself.

I have been reading and one topic I read about was "Your life is a projection of your inner thoughts". I honestly believe negative thoughts attract negative things. Change your thoughts then you'll change your life. Keep thinking the same thing over then you'll just be running on a hamster wheel. I guess there is lots about this topic if you look up "Law of Attraction" x

[Itsonlyme]

Ieris....... First off, I do appreciate your responses very much, and thanks again.

But I swear their is nothing that fires me up more than to hear this BS > "You have made up your mind... you have already decided... you have put yourself within those constraints" Urgggg !

To which I say, BS ! BS ! BS ! I certainly do try !
It's just that I'm a realist. And like I said before, knowing how many things would have to line up for a good relationship, and I can't get past #1.... (for 18yrs) knowing that I have a dozen things to kill anything that might have been....

Anyway yea'.... don't ask me why, but I still bang my head against the wall, trying.... just out of desperation, I guess


edit; Oh but hey, I will look up Law of attraction....

[Ieris]

To Itsonlyme...

I honestly hope you find what you are looking for. Although I don't know you in person, you do come across as a great guy! I hope some day you would come back on here with a post saying you have found a woman you are crazy about who is also crazy about you

You may not agree with what I have said but it has really worked for me. I took a long break from the dating game because I just lost interest/hope in men and no one came knocking on my door. Then in the summer I said to myself I'm going to find someone and i did. I met guys on the train, walking down the street and even in the supermarket. i am now seeing a very sweet guy who came to my house at 3am yesterday cos he missed me. I honestly think if I was still in my switched off/negative mode, none of this would have happened.

[Itsonlyme]

Thanks again Ieris.

To be honest, even if you do hear me say something that sounds like I've completely given up, I can go somewhere, get 1 smile from a pretty girl, then I'm right back beating my head against the wall of futility.....

.....I hope so too. But some things never change.

~~~~~~~~~~~
BTW, your dating situation sounds so "like a normal person". I've never had attention from multiple females.... even 1 at a time is exceedingly rare.