having trouble with friendships, disappointed in them

[Scot89]

I have people in my life that I trust and who are pretty good friends, some who I really enjoy conversation with that don't seem to extend themselves
when I reach out to them.

They are people that are like me in that we both attend a 12 step program, and they are also in recovery(clean/sober) as me from addictions. Some of these folks say they have had/have mental health issues and may be taking medication/getting therapy as I have - something we have in common.

Some people say that I shouldn't have high expectations of others but it is a big downer for me when I am depressed - like lately(maybe I am at fault by not emphasizing how much it is bothering me) and some of these friends don't even send me a simple text to see how my day is.

I have frequently sent such texts to them, ones as simple as "how is your day"? I feel like they don't think of me even though we seem close.

In our 12 step meetings we do discuss how we(addicts) to be selfish people and that is something that we need to change.

I even have a friend of of about 5 years recently who brought up how we don't communicate enough. I agreed but I am clearly the one in this case reaching out via phone and written much more than they do. I get the feeling of frustration that leads to resentment and I get to the point I want to say, why are we friends?

I think it is right to have some minimal expectations of friends - I do consider these folks friends. Many people prefer written communication now as many of you know, and that can be impersonal. Everybody talks about how "busy" they are, which maybe they are but what about reaching out to a friend. I went on enough, thanks for listening.

[Jalapeno]

Do I know the feeling...

One thing I've noticed is that some people are very, very passive in communication even with people they like and think of. I think it's often a fear of rejection or something along those lines, because as I got to know these people better I learned it's something they're afraid of. I have a friend I've known for almost ten years who almost never invites me out to do things and typically won't even help plan. I threatened to pick Silver Linings Playbook instead of Jack the Giant Slayer at the theater recently; still nothing. I think it's just the way he is, though.

I try to be forgiving, since I'm a little difficult myself and I know everyone's going to have different standards and preferences when it comes to communication. It's frustrating sometimes, but people are going to be people and we've gotta love the whole messy, goofy package. Especially for people in rehab, worrying about anyone else might be hard.

[Search]

Hi my name is Dave and I'm "NO LONGER" an alcoholic. I spent years in such places having done about 6 different rehabs as well. I found most of the administration very dogmatic/religious and always leading people more to reliance rather than independence. (But hey man ... some people love it so don't get me wrong. We are all different! If it works for you ... then stick with it.)

For all the talk of what one should be doing, more focus is on how I'm still this or that. Hence any friends I had as a result of AA or NA or GA always tended be be shrouded in blame, guilt and judging ... pretty much like most churches.

Anyways ... I only saw a negative pattern and did much better making new friends that did not chant the chant nor tell my what I should or should not be doing.

But alas ... after 10 long years with some of these would be clean skins, I began to tire of the human condition. I generally don't have expectation of myself or others ... as doing so only leads to disappointment, but in this case, I have to agree with you.

If my friends can no longer make the efforts in communicating ... I no longer have the required strength to play the sponge. Much much better to move on. I used to make calls - "hi dude sorry for this and that, lets hook back up and bla bla bla" ... But not longer ...

You need to take a stand. If you take the time to reach out, but get nothing back when it counts, because they are too busy and its inconvenient, then let them know how that makes you feel. (often we keep it to ourselves) Then that way if they do not change, no one is to blame when suddenly you no longer call or pop round.

I'd rather be without the company as opposed to being led on a string. People are becoming increasingly full of themselves as they strive to be more than who they are ... fitting into the Boxes so commonly sold ... and it does not take a bottle, pill or bet to be like that.

Making real friends takes work ... has nothing to do with being well to do, successful and all that garbage. I have like 2 friends that I can go out with ... that is when I want to go out, or plan it with them ... at the end of the day ... Sure, remind them of what you would like in a friendship ... I think "expect" is too strong a word as either people giver freely or they do not give at all. I'll say "hey man ... I always come over here, how about coming over to my shack as I want to show you something that I can't bring here."

I find once you tell some folk that its a two way streak, they then never come over as if to make a point of how far you will go. Kind of like some mind game or something. There is some truth about how what we think we attack, so a lot of patients is required for us mentally disabled folk ... but then there are those that think themselves more or above...doing so well ... I wonder if its then that I push my friends away.

I can't really talk ... I have had troubles myself and still do ... but lately all I can say, is how good it feels when you drop those that only pretend and simply use you to sound off and play around.

Too many Like like like like and sub sub sub people for my liking. To tell you the truth I am beginning to prefer going out on my own ... and I think there is nothing wrong with wanting to be that way.

That way when I come back to making friends ... I might take it much slower ... and perhaps cut of the ties much earlier rather than become a sucker and or sponge ... but who knows I might get lucks and meet someone who is as outgoing as me ... hell I might have them on my doorstep 24/7 wondering how it was that others put up with me.

... who knows. I'd be very careful of expecting from others ... it's more about if someone is willing. Once we make others accountable or go about reminding them of obligations ... that's too confronting, best left for the work place...even then I QUIT ... I dislike people that push.

Either they are interested enough to give back or they are not. Truth is, some people are just amused by us, and rather than be upfront, they just use us ... that's another side of the coin. Perhaps we ourselves are just as arrogant and are ignorant too.

A lot of the time, the state of our friendships reflect our current health. I could do with a good break at any rate.

Best of luck with it

Thank You for this topic ... It comes at a good time for me. I am currently benefiting from letting go of one friend I thought I had. I am also contemplating attending a depression support group in my area. This topic gives me food for thought.