Same s***, different day...

[shatteredhopes]

Lisa, can you switch doctors? I don't think you have a bad attitude (especially with the jokes you crack sometimes) I think you have a very, very bad doctor. Easy for him when he doesn't have to live in your skin and mind...ticks me off he would say that. I had a bad doctor one time that MESSED me UP badly with her mistakes! Made me far, far worse. So hope you can switch.

Hope you are hanging on and that Mark is forgiving about the money. I'm glad you have group to go to, especially now stopping therapy. I'm sorta in the same boat in that I can't afford therapy or group. Its hard without that support and help with this disease. But I have found some relief and support here to keep pluggin'. I don't know what I'd do if I didn't have this site right now. Lean on us as much as you need to (((((((Lisalou)))))))).

I hope your sickness benefits can be worked out...it is so hard to work with severe depression...exacerbates the illness sometimes, the stress. I know paperwork and bureaucracy are overwhelming, but you can do this. I'm sure anxiousness about the financial situation will help you push through it. Maybe Mark can help you with the paperwork?

Glad to hear you are snuggling under a blanket and comforting yourself as best you can.

Sending sisterly love your way and hoping for some good things to happen for you soon...

[lisalou]

Thanks s/hopes. it certainly does suck to have no money, it's a shame that you have to pay to go to your group, here in england they are free and you get free tea,biscuits and fruit too! maybe look on the internet and see what free resources are available in your area?

I am definitely switching doctors as soon as i've got my sick note out of him, if indeed he will certify that i am severely depressed as clearly i am an intelligent negatively-minded girl who has snapped out of it before and just needs to do so again. I've had too much experiences of doctors and therepists who are ineffectual and at worst, hurtful. I even had one counsellor once who was bigoted and didn't even try to hide her disgust about me coming from a Jewish family or my dad now living with a male partner.

I have woken up exhausted and hopeless again but i have put some positive music on and keep telling myself that yesterday is not going to be as bad as yesterday. it's just so hard when i know inevitably that it will...

[Mich]

Hi Lisa - here in Canada I see a psychiatrist for my therapy. They are covered under the province's health plan so I don't have to pay. Can you not see a psychiatrist where you are under your NHS? Or do they not generally do therapy there...just meds? I would really like to see you getting the continued support of someone to talk to. I am glad the counsellor at your group has agreed to see you one-on-one for a chat. I am glad you are going for benefits. It is has been impossible for me to work and I certainly understand how it just gets to be too much. We had a mountain of paperwork here too but my husband helped and I got through it. I am sure Mark will help you as it can seem overwhelming. I am so sorry you have had these negative experiences with doctors and therapists. You have to keep trying until you find great ones....they are out there.
Let me take some of your burden today. I know it is very heavy and I want to carry some of your load. Thinking of you and hoping that things ease up for you a bit today.

[shatteredhopes]

My word, where on earth did this doc get a liscense? I know if I could think my way out of depression, I would. Feelings overwhelm my best thoughts. Besides, I heard a cognitive scientist talking about how depressed people had a more REALISTIC outlook on life. If anything, being intelligent can be a hindrance, because you see the horror in the world and are aware of more than most. This doc sounds like a quack. QUACK QUACK QUACK. Probably got his degree over the internet at a bogus university!

Hang in there ((((((((((((((Lisalou))))))))))))))). I'm trying, and hope you do too.

P.S. Unfortunately, the U.S. health care system is obscene. I have fallen through the cracks and can't get the help I need to get a life back together. You are lucky to be in England where at least you can get regular medical attention, so there's hope for you.

[lisalou]

well the community mental health team will be my first point of access and then i guess i'll get referred to a psychiatrist, psychologist or given a CPN (community psychiatric nurse) we are lucky to have our NHS, it must be awful having to pay for everything

today has been a little better, one of the little girls at nursery said she loves me which was really sweet. i've been so anxious since hearing about mark being made redundant that it has forced me out of my depressive coma on the sofa, now i feel really fluttery and agitated and feel like doing things but am still too depressed to actually do much. smudge the cat is sleeping on my lap, he loves sitting up at the computer with me. i just feel so drained, bought a couple of birthday presents for a friend after work and it was like running a marathon but i am pleased with myself for doing it. all the shops are getting really christmassy already, i can't bear the thought of christmas, all the jolliness of the songs and the decorations and stuff just makes me feel even sadder somehow

[Mich]

It's good to hear that you are doing a little bit better. That little girl must have melted your heart....I'm sure all your kids love you. You did so well today in thinking about a friend's birthday and then buying gifts. Yes, I am sure that felt like a marathon but you must feel like you really accommplished something. Christmas is a very tough time for me too.
ps - I just love the name of your cat! (I probably told you that before too)

[shatteredhopes]

That is so cute about the little girl. Moments like that are priceless.

I know for me its so hard to get anxious, but be paralyzed by the anxiety instead of being able to use it to be productive. It must be very frustrating to have to deal with Mark's job situation on top of everything. Depression and anxiety make even the littlest things challenging, much less the really big things...

Glad you can maybe get another doc. Snap out it. Geez. That's like one of those uninformed things ignorant people say to you.

One time, this former friend who is a wiccan, waved her hads all over me to spell cast out the "spirit of depression" and took an imaginary key and put it down her shirt after she 'locked' the depression out...then she got mad because I was depressed and said I let the bad spirit back in!

Think maybe we should share that technique with your doc? Its about as good as "snap out of it." Sorry, just ticks me off he treats you that way.

Hope you have a little light in your day and moments of peace...

[lisalou]

ah yes, if only our depression could just be magicked away, i'd call harry potter round right away.... interestingly enough actually the 'dementors' in the harry potter books and films, the faceless ghouls who feed on people by sucking all the happiness out of them are meant to represent depression, J K Rowling suffered with it a lot. but i digress...

today has been really chaotic mood-wise, i started the day feeling appalling then got a bit better at work reading stories with the kids and just listening to the funny things they say to each other. then as soon as i got out and had a moment to think and feel, i totally crashed, felt like a nut being cracked in a nutcracker or the feeling you get when a wave breaks,smack bang into you...i get sudden bursts of depression where it just feels like my head is capsizing and i am going to break with the tearing misery of it all,i had intended to do some food shopping but just burst into tears as it seemed impossible and i so desperately just wanted to go home. i feel really weak anyway as i woke up in the middle of the night with diarrhoea, don't know if it is a bug or my IBS playing up with stress. the redundancy is still far away but it plays on our minds. mark goes away on saturday and i am scared to be alone...knowing how bad i get left to my own devices...

[Mich]

Lisa - I am worried about you being alone this weekend. What kind of things can you plan so that you don't isolate and get into trouble? Can you go out with those friends that you just bought the gifts for? Can you do some Christmas shopping for Mark? I know I am not a substitute for Mark, but please know that I will be here this weekend ready and willing to be your online companion so the day doesn't seem so long.
Yes, it is like being crushed in a nutcracker...good analogy.
I did not know J K Rowling suffered with depression. How on earth did she manage to write so many books in that state? I cannot even read a book, let alone write one!
Take good care. I am thinking of you. Let us know how things are going today (Friday).

[xn728]

sorry i have not posted before no lisa i have been a little down to ,i hope you feel better soon ,and will be glad to see you post again ,sorry again lisa ,stand up and be strong lisa ,,,,,,,,,ken