Feeling foolish and stupid

[shatteredhopes]

I realize I only have one friend I can count on, and I talked to him last night.

In addition to Thanksgiving being the anniversary of a traumatic event, I remembered last year Thanksgiving was the last time I ever saw my father. My mom and I went to his assisted living facility to eat with him. Not long thereafter, I left to spend Christmas and New Year's with my boyfriend. My dad died just before I was scheduled to come back, and I was not able to attend the funeral. I remember my boyfriend getting mad over a stupid little thing, and I had wanted to get some movies at the rental place to watch while the funeral was going on so I wouldn't have to think about it and how upset I was, but my boyfriend was being a jerk and wouldn't go into the rental store so we left. It hurt so much, and I remember calling my friend and talking to him while the funeral was going on because my boyfriend couldn't even be selfless then, during my father's funeral, to put my needs first for a change.

I am feeling resentful at the way he treated me sometimes and angry with myself for not getting out early on before I got in so deep. My life was just at a point that I had practically nothing, so a relationship filled the void, and I loved him. It had been a long, long time since I had loved anyone. I put so much effort into the relationship, and he was soooo selfish and cruel at times. He is very sick, so I put up with a lot and now I know I shouldn't have. Its better to be alone than to be repeatedly mistreated.

I feel so vulnerable and lost now. I have endured so much and it doesn't make me feel better that others have it worse, it makes me feel more hopeless about the world and that the world is a horrible place and some of us suffer so much, and so much of the suffering is so senseless and unnecessary...if only people could just be a little less selfish and little more kind.

I am really struggling right now and I don't know how to stop the waves of tears and extreme sorrow. Thanks for listening (or reading)...

[Mich]

You are such a kind and wonderful person. I wish there were many more people like you. It makes me sad to know that you are hurting so much. I never like it when people tell me that other people have it worse. I know you are hurting severely right now and I wish I could do something to ease that pain. I know it's not the same as a friend in "real life" but you have many friends here who would like to comfort and help in any way that they can. I am here for you and will be here for you during this very tough holiday season. I check this site very often and will do my best to respond to you asap. Please don't feel alone.

[xn728]

shatteredhopes ,i dont know what to say ,im thinking of you ,and have noticed you have been queit ,i feel your pain my freind ,i know its dosent sound like much ,but my thoughts are with you ,stay strong and think of your ,freinds thinking of you here ,,,,,(((((shatteredhopes))))),,,,,,ken

[shatteredhopes]

Well I saw the doc and he said I can take the Wellbutrin all at night now, so hopefully I can sleep through the night and not nap in the day. After I left I went to a store to pick up something and ran into someone I had not seen or talked to in over a year. His signficant other died the year before under really tragic circumstances and he was struggling financially...turns out he was homeless for six months and in and out of mental hospitals suicidal and depressed. He is trying for disability, and with no income right now, he at least is getting free mental health treatment.

I am hoping he and I can get together and encourage each other a little. I hope he calls me. His life has been really tragic and he has suffered so much, I wish good things for him and think it would be good to have another friend who understands.

I realized since my ex was in love with someone so quickly he must have been carrying on with her while we were together, or went back to his ex-girlfriend whom he was writing lost love poetry to 8 months into our relationship. I feel like such a fool. At a time when it was really hard for me to trust, I got involved with someone who was totally untrustworthy. Maybe I was abusing myself by not looking at all the signs, as well as blinded by love, and felt like I deserved lousy treatment, I dunno...

Feeling a little better since doc went ahead and saw me so I got my prescriptions and ran into old friend. Sad to hear his tale but hoping we can encourage each other.

(((((((((((((((Mich)))))))))))))))))(((((((((((((((Ken))))))))))))))))))) your support means the world to me right now. Thank you both for being there for me.

EDIT TO ADD: heard from newspaper editor and gunna publish my piece in very featured fashion...pleased but afraid it will get some heated response based on friend's reaction (controversial)...anyway, glad they are gunna publish it. Got through whole day without needing ativan. Unusual lately...stormy morning but okay evening, not happy, but not overwhelmed with sorrow at moment. A little taste of relief. Thanks again to ((((((((((((((((ALL)))))))))))))))) for the support! You all are a lifeline.

[Mich]

Congratulations re getting your piece published. That's wonderful! It must be very well written to get published in the paper and that's no surprise since you are such a good writer on here. I am glad the despair has lifted a little bit. I wish you a good day today (Wednesday).

[xn728]

shatteredhopes ,aahhhh it is so good to see your spirits lifted ,,bless you all ,,,,,,,ken