Despondent

[Mich]

The pain is intense today. This is the only place where I can reach out and express it. When I express things to my psychiatrist, I feel that he doesn't believe that I am suffering so much. All I feel is darkness and despair. I haven't so much as felt a flicker of "good" in many many years. Nothing brings pleasure, smiles or laughter. It really seems like I have a life that is not worth living. I have no friends and I mainly exist within the confines of my home. This is no way to live and yet I have neither the energy nor the will to make changes. I am in the depths of hell. I am haunted by my past and it keeps me from living in the present. My husband and children are affected negatively by my presence. I definitely bring everybody else down and they deserve better. I don't want my children to end up this way. They need a mother but do they really need a depressed mother? I want to self harm to dull the pain but I am going to try not to...I know it's not the right way to feel better.

[xn728]

i wish i could help you with your pain mich ,i hate to see you suffer like this ,all i can do is reach out and touch you ,please feel the hope i send you ,im pushing really hard ,to reach so far you can feel me willing you to carry on ,be strong mich ,you are a great mother ,and a great freind ,
we all seem to suffer deeply lately ,oh mich i yearn to laugh again
i miss being me so much ,dont let yourself go mich keep a tight grip
maybe we will all laugh together one day ,,,,(((((mich)))))
best wishes ,,,,ken ,,xn728

[crybaby1086]

((((Mish)))) Your life is worth livinging. You are a really great Mom and friend. Your just feeling low right now. But we are all here with you, willing you to get better.
Thinking about you.

[shatteredhopes]

(((((((((((((Mich)))))))))))) You are a better mother and wife than you think right now because you are depressed so you are beating yourself up. You put aside your pain and need to cope to spend time with the kids and do things for them many times and just the other night you forced yourself to go out with your husband, despite social anxiety and depression, which was huge. You are valued by your family and your on-line family of friends here.

I know, I know, its one of those catch 22 things with depression...the things we know, like making friends and socializing, would help, we can't do because the depression traps us sometimes...it becomes an endless cycle. Right now you are overstressed by the pre-holiday with your parents and the contractors in your house, on top of everything, and the holidays are hard on many of us.

Baby steps ((((((((((((Mich)))))))))))). Go easy on yourself you've got a lot on your plate and you are suffering. Just set small goals for yourself, like just calling to see if there's a support group or the hospital about what type of volunteer opportunities there are. Give yourself permission to just call, not to pursue right now. Maybe a little less coffee or more decaf and forcing yourself to eat a little more might help a little too.

I just got back from the doctor and he wants me to start exercising again. UGGGGHHHHH. But I know it will help and so I have to begin to force myself. Just like you walk the dog to get exercise and take care of your pet, please eat to take care of yourself, if not for you for all of us who care about you and want you to begin a little healing.

Baby steps. I'll take them with you. Even though my friend didn't like my article, I'm still gunna pursue it with other avenues. Can you take a few baby steps with me? Whatever you think would help in a positive way as opposed to self-harm.

I am sorry you are suffering so much. I care and want us both to taste a little healing in our lives and we'll be here for you to listen as much as you need to vent. Good for you for writing about desire to self-harm rather than doing it...bleed in ink, my sister, my friend.

Hang on to whatever you can. Like how devastated your kids would be if anything happened to you, and as kids, likely blaming themselves somewhat...I'm trying to remind myself how much it would hurt my mom and friend if I did anything, although sometimes that's just not enough. I am desperate to stop the pain too, but maybe we can talk to and hang on to each other a bit? Encourage each other to take some baby steps together?

Hope you can find a little light and peace in your day...

[Mich]

Thank you so much Ken, Crybaby and Shatteredhopes. Your support truly does lift me up from the depths. I appreciate your friendship so much.
I will try to take a baby step today. I will call the Mental Health Association to get info on their depression groups. My biggest fear with that is that I would have to walk into a room of people who have already all been meeting together for awhile and all know each other. I would be the stranger and unfamiliar with everything. This causes me a lot of anxiety. I know I just have to forge ahead but it's hard.
The darkness is all around me today. As you all know, it is truly hard to keep living like this. All I want to do today is to curl up in bed and wait for the day to pass by. I know I shouldn't do that and I will try to resist. I wish we all didn't have to struggle so much.

[shatteredhopes]

If its like group therapy here from my limited experience, new people are always coming in...and even if you are new and everyone else has been around awhile, it will probably be very much like this website, where everyone, because they understand, will be warm and welcoming. I know its hard to get over fear and take some steps, but very proud for you that you are planning to make the phone call. After you make the call, can you give yourself a reward? Maybe go to the drive through at your favorite coffee place or something?

I am sorry we are all struggling so much too right now. The holidays are just gunna exacerbate things, but sometimes things turn out better than we expect and I for one do the self-fulfilling prophecy thing where I predict a bad outcome and therefore am more likely to get it...its hard to think positive, but I am trying, and I know you are too.

So glad you are gunna make that phone call. I know sometimes the phone seems like 500 pounds, but you can do this.

Much sisterly love and wishes for peace and light in your day...

[TackingIntoTheWind]

Just a few thoughts that I hope may help... If it's a well-run group then the person running the group will make sure that it will be not only a safe environment for it's members but also welcoming to newcomers. So, please give it a try. I attended a six-week course about dealing with stress and anxiety that was run by MIND, ( A British mental health charity ) and I found it very helpful. I was nervous myself about the group setting at first, but now I'm glad that I went. Also, it may well not be a case of everyone knowing each other, and you being a newcomer. Some of the group may know each other, others may have only recently joined the group themselves.
Also, don't overlook the fact that not only may you benefit from the group, the group will also benefit from your participation. Just as this forum benefits from your participation. This is the first forum that I've joined and posted on, and I know that I was glad of your encouraging and welcoming post.