Self Harm Urges are Over the Top

[Mich]

I have been in terrible shape since my psych appt this morning. The pain is swallowing me up and I cannot bear the urges to self harm. My doctor does not understand how bad the urges get. I cannot talk to my husband about it since he thinks the whole self harm thing is weird and he does not understand why anyone would do it. I just need relief so badly and it feels like the only way to get relief. I am afraid to drive the car and afraid to walk along the sidewalk. I just cannot stand it any more and you are the only people who understand it....know how bad and unbearable that it gets. So unbearable that you think you are going to explode from the pain of it all. So unbearable that you just don't know how you can last one more second...let alone another whole day. Time seems to be an eternity...one agonizing second after another. I cannot stand to be in my own skin. Taking a lot of meds would blot out this pain. Cutting would blot out this pain. When my kids were younger I could explain away the overdoses but what would I tell them now at 13 and 14 years of age? I am a tainted human being. Unable to give love or feel love. Depression has withered my brain into a useless mass and I have no hopes for the future. It's just one day of suffering after another. It just becomes too much to bear. My past holds so much power over me and I cannot let go of it. God please let this stop.

[shatteredhopes]

((((((((((((((((Mich))))))))))))))))

You reminded me that there is whole community here who would be devasted if I self-harm. The same is true for you.

Maybe this grueling therapy approach is too much for you? Can you switch therapists or tell him/her to ease up? I know sometimes we have to go through extreme pain to get a break-through, and the only way to reach the light at the end of tunnel is to go through the dark tunnel, but really...as fragile as you are right now (me too, I couldn't handle that right now), maybe its too much? Maybe you need to focus on more day-to-day or week-to-week living in your therapy right now, or for awhile, until you are stronger? Some goals for yourself? Something positive rather than reliving so much pain?

I'm not a doctor, but therapists and doctors vary in how good they are. And mental health is not an exact science...it just seems to be too much, what your therapist is putting you through.

You may not feel love right now, because you are not feeling self-love. Can you put a rubber band on your wrist to snap when you want to self-harm, so you get the sensation of hurting yourself, but stop the thought and think instead of sunrise on a beach, gentle rain in the forest, or a star-lit night or something?

Please be kind to yourself. I know you don't feel you deserve it, but you do. We all do. And you struggle so much to take care of your kids despite this illness, I know you have love even if you don't feel it at the moment.

Hang on...hang on to me and I'll hang on to you right now. I understand how it feels when the urge to self-harm becomes overwhelming. It will likely lighten a bit...you are just very over stressed on top of the depression.

Could you maybe think about changes in the therapy thing? A group might be better, you are so supportive here, in group people support each other and there is less attention on each individual...I dunno. I just hate to see in so much pain and seems a direct correlation with the grueling therapy and getting really bad...triggering.

Sisterly love and light your way. I'd send you a rainbow if I could. We are all rooting for you!

[crybaby1086]

Oh Mich, I'm so sorry you are having a bad day. The only thing I can tell you is to hang on and keep fighting! The only advise I can offer is when you feel the need to self-harm try and do something else to take your mind of it. Take the dog for a walk, do something with the kids, or come on here and let us know what is happening so we can be there for you.
Robyn

[Mich]

Thank you shatteredhopes and crybaby. Your unwavering support is amazing.
Every time I come on here to write, I feel very self-indulgent...like I am selfishly doing something I really have no right to do. I feel like a whiner and a complainer. I don't share any of this with my husband for that reason plus he just isn't very receptive to hearing depressing things.
The pace of my therapy has really been dictated by me. I am the one deciding to talk about terrible things at each appt. My psychiatrist is not pushing me to do that at every appt. Shatteredhopes - you are right saying that I should dial it back a little bit. I will. It's just that I had been at this for many years with my psych before I opened up to him about the abuse that I feel like I have to get it all out in a big rush. But I don't.
It's now Wednesday at about 8:45 am. The kids have gone to school and I am left with myself and the horrible feeling inside me. I have my elastic band on my wrist and I am snapping away. The pain is so immense; I don't think it could get any bigger. I don't know what to do with myself...climb into bed or try to do something. I don't want to feel like this for one more minute. I cannot bear another day of it. I need to escape this somehow. I feel an intense desperation to end this feeling. It is too much; too poweful. I know that you all know what I am talking about and it brings some comfort to know that you understand. I can't even move. Perhaps I will just sit in this chair and do nothing. I cannot bring myself to do a "distraction". I feel like I am losing my mind.

[shatteredhopes]

I experience depression related paralysis too, a lot. Its okay to do nothing, but then for me, sometimes, the pain just grows worse and I stew thinking about things over and over again. When and if I force myself to do SOMETHING productive, do the dishes (yuck), or distracting, like watch TV, it helps. It really does help to take my mind off the pain a little as much as I can manage.

The overwhelming painful feelings for me come and go...I feel like a rapid cycling bi-polar, but without the high-high...

Posting is good. Don't feel self-indulgent to get it out with people who understand, and me reaching out to support you helps me more than it helps you. It takes me out of myself and into being concerned for someone else. That lessens my load, if only briefly.

(((((((((((((((((((Mich))))))))))))))))))))) hang in there. We care about you, and will love you until you learn to love yourself!

[Mich]

It's almost 1 pm now and things are not going well. I went to the hardware store and got some new sharp blades. I haven't used one yet. It feels good to have them here; to know that I can use one if things get too bad to handle. I am thinking of calling a crisis hotline first to see if that helps. I have only ever called one once and it was not a good experience so I am not sure why I am thinking of doing that again. I am just so desperate to reach out to someone. My doctor probably won't pick up his messages for hours, I have no friends or family to call. My husband is at work and has no time for this nonsense during the day. I need something, someone, but I am not sure what. I am in crisis. I am not balling my eyes out so the crisis worker will probably think I am not that bad off. I am desperate for relief. I can't think clearly. I don't know what to do.

[crybaby1086]

((((mich)))) don't feel like you can't come on here and post. That is what the forum is for, to help you unload some of your feelings. It is much better to let them out instead of bottling them all up.
If you are not able to get moveing then get a nice warm blanket and curl up and watch some t.v or listen to some music anything to distract yourself. Maybe get something nice to eat and tomorrow you can try to get up and do somethings around the house. Baby steps...they are like giant leaps sometimes. But we have to force outselves to take them in order to get better.
In the meantime know that I am thinking about you and sending many positive thoughts your way.

[lisalou]

mich, i'm really worried about you, i hope you can get rid of those blades or at least hide them somewhere where you will have to really rummage through to get them and hopefully have time to stop and re-consider what you're doing. you have always been so kind to me and i wish you'd apply the same kindness to yourself. i think phoning a helpline is a very idea, they will see how distraught you are,you don't have to be crying,if anything sometimes you get so bad you're beyond tears. keep writing out your feelings here, you will always get loving helpful replies a.s.a.p

[shatteredhopes]

((Lisalou)) is right, ((Mich)). Please consider getting rid of the blades. I understand they are a comfort to have on hand, just as I am an alcoholic...I would never keep alcohol on hand because at a weak point I would certainly drink. At least if I have to go through effort to get booze, I have time to re-think. Please consider getting rid of the blades.

Calling a help line is a GREAT IDEA if you have a good one you can call. Also, if the urge to self-harm becomes overwhelming, consider going into the hospital BEFORE you do anything, if you have a reasonably good hospital you can go to.

With my alcohol recovery program, we have a saying, play the tape all the way through. I imagine all the bad things that could happen if I drank. Could you think about the bad things about self-harm? How hurt your family would be, and your on-line family, cutting might lead to an infection and embarrassing scars that your family and others would see, and not understand...struggling to avoid self-harm and trying to find a way to cope is far better in my opinion than being long-term or permanently institutionalized. At least this way I can manage hope now and then that I could get my life together...work again, have a full life again...maybe not, but it keeps me going when I can manage a little hope. It helps me try sometimes when otherwise I might not.

Can you find something to hope for?

Can you think of some goals...volunteering for the hospital, joining a support group, baking cookies for Christmas for your neighbors, I don't know what it would be for you.

I am struggling to force myself to think positive as much as possible, to try and get back on my feet. Can you manage some positive thoughts? At least some soothing thoughts to recall when you feel the urge to self-harm to distract yourself? Sitting on a beautiful beach...standing under a gentle waterfall in the rain forest...or a GOOD memory...imagine yourself accomplishing something, something small even...how good it would feel, like if you volunteered for the hospital and brightened the day for sick children with cancer by dressing as a clown...or handed out magazines to stressed out people awaiting a cat scan and offering a few comforting words...I don't know what you'd like to do, but think about it. Try to think positive thoughts, and I will too, right along with you.

I'm struggling, right along with you, only my self-harm would be permanent. I'm forcing myself to dream about getting back into life again instead as much as I can...getting some work to relieve my financial stress, writing the things I always wanted to do but never had the courage to do...

I pray. Even if you don't believe in God, praying or meditating activates a network in your brain that can tap your subconscious and help change your thinking somewhat...

Write it out. Post it or don't, but bleed in ink as a catharsis...

Sorry to go on and on. Worried about you ((Mich)). Want you to see yourself as we see you, to care about yourself as we care about you...