Trying Not to Collapse

[Mich]

I have to be strong today as my daughter is counting on me to take her to 2 activities today. My husband cannot pinch-hit as he is off with my son at another activity. I am trying hard not to collapse under the weight of the pain. The feeling in my head and chest is so intense, so crushing and I don't know whether I am better off sitting still or moving around. Why does this happen day after day after day? My husband says I need to change my thinking. How do you explain the fact that I wake up feeling this way before I have even had a thought? I am not thinking negatively right now but I am still being crushed by the pain. I feel very restless and anxious. I may have to interact with parents at my daughter's hockey game and I just cannot today. I am not eating and like Ken my weight is dropping. I know a starving body is bad for depression but all I can do is drink coffee for now. I want to drug myself into oblivion with my medication but I won't. My doctor only gives it to me in weekly increments now so I don't have much to abuse. I have a big bottle of lithium that I have left over from when I took that but I think I am going to take that back to the drug store so I won't be tempted to take too much of it. That could be a very bad thing...to take too much lithium. Yes, I will take that back so they can dispose of it.
Every millisecond is sheer torture. I am out of words.

[shatteredhopes]

Try some deep breathing ((Mich))... breath in through your nose and say "peace" and imagine yourself taking peaceful feelings into your body, hold it, 3 seconds or so, then breath out through your mouth the "pain" "anxiety" "stress."

I am doing it right now except I am breathing out "love" sending it your way.

Hang in there. You are giving me strength to go to my volunteer thing. I will try to go do that and you try to do what you have to do with your daughter. I think taking the lithium for disposal is a good thing. Please don't do anything to harm yourself. I know the temptation and desire to want to drug the pain away. I am an alcoholic and want to drink so bad to dull the pain and feel happiness again...but I know that will ultimately make things worse.

Hang on as best you can. Like you suggested to me, absorb the sunshine. Deep breaths. Release the pain as much as you can.

Can you eat something really yummy? Maybe pick up something when you are out with your daughter? Is there anything you can enjoy? YOU DESERVE SOMETHING GOOD FOR ALL THE KIND SUPPORT YOU GIVE HERE AND DON'T DESERVE SO MUCH PAIN so eat something you used to love. Treat yourself. I haven't been eating much either, but there will be food at the charity function so I will eat. I hope you can too.

Care about you. Hoping you can get through this with your daughter...

[lisalou]

i know how awful it is to be so depressed and yet agitated..it feels like all you want to do is hide in bed but you can't rest, try shatteredhopes's idea of deep breathing and visualisation. i am SO proud of you for taking your daughter out and about places, it must be excruciating, be proud of yourself too. if the other parents asking you things feels overwhelming and intrusive just deflect it by asking them something about them instead (people LOVE to talk about themselves!) when it gets too unbearable just say something like ' well it's been great to see you but we're in a rush to get home and ... (start dinner? feed the dog? make a phonecall? white lies are brilliant!) as for food maybe just try anything that's fairly light and easy - grapes, yoghurt, bananas,crackers or rice cakes or something...if you can't physically face anything solid how about juice, soup and smoothies? maybe try to go easy on the coffee or switch to decaff if you're already anxious. i hope you can get through the rest of your day ok

lots of love, lisa x

[xn728]

mich /s/hopes and lisa ive said kind words already ,so here i tell a story
of my eldests xmas pagent back in 1985,when she was four ,i had to take her cant remember what fran was doing ,but we always shared these things anyway ,i was the only dad there and the main hall was packed ,bridget was eager to see santa ,and when her turn came she
bravely went to the big man and told him what she wanted ,when her time was up she turned to walk back to me ,and stopped ,on noooooo
i new what was coming ,yes in front of the whole school she weee,,d
and if that was not enough she sat down and proceeded to take off her wet knickers and tights ,that walk along the hall to retrive my lovely
little girl was very long indeed ,so it wont help you much ,but surley it can make you crack a smile ,,,,,,,,,,,feel better soon i really wish our lives could become
better ,,,,,,,,,,ken

[lisalou]

funny story ken...aah children can be so charming...

p.s mich, a big well done for your plans to get rid of the lithium

[shatteredhopes]

Hope you got through the thing with your daughter. You gave me courage to go out and do things, knowing someone else had the strength to force their way through, somehow I found it too.

Someone said to me today "the greater the leader, the greater the enemy." Maybe we are special to face the huge enemy we do. Maybe we all have something special to offer.

You are a loving mother to push yourself to do for your daughter when you feel so awful. Be proud of yourself. Something else someone said one time, she loved her children enough to die for them, but realized she had to love them enough to LIVE for them.

Eat something, please. If not for yourself, for your daughter. We care and want you to heal and nourishing your body will help a little. Please take care.

I think ((lisalou's)) idea of switching to decaf is really good.