Swallowed Up

[Mich]

I am drowning in darkness today. I have just requested an increase in one of my meds because my self harm urges are over the top. I absolutely hate doing that because I hate pumping even more toxins into my body but feel as if I don't have a choice. If I want to stay out of hospital, I have to get this under control.
I am trying not to give in to the darkness today. I am staying up; I went to get the oil changed in my car and I am about to go get groceries for dinner. It is always hard to see people and I mostly keep my eyes downcast. My heart feels as if it is being squeezed to death; the aching in my chest is relentless. Every fibre of my being wants to destroy myself. I will go now and walk the dog to get a blast of cold air.

[xn728]

ah mich so much pain mich ,thanks for your offer to carry my pain ,i can manage alone ,its what i have to do ,the way i feel now i will lash out and hurt someone here ,you carry your pain mich keep your strentgh for yourself , xn728

[lisalou]

mich, i am so sorry you are hurting so much, i know that darkness well. i'm pleased to hear you are fighting it today, shopping and dog-walking must seem like hell today but it is getting you out in the world and distacting yourself a little and you can congratulate yourself for being so pro-active today. i hope the increase in your meds will help too.

ken, i continue to be really concerned about you, please don't keep suffering in silence, make a doctors appointment and talk to your family, maybe don't tell them everything if you don't feel it's right but be honest and admit you're suffering particularly at the moment, it must be awful bottling it all up all the time.

lots of love to you both, lisa xxxxxx

[shatteredhopes]

((Ken)) please don't leave the forum and please call your doctor. We care and are worried about you.

((Mich)) I am sorry to hear you are having such a hard day, but be proud of yourself that you are forcing yourself to walk the dog, do basic things. It will help you through. I know I have been really struggling, but today has been better, maybe because I am forcing myself to carry on and got a phone call earlier that brought some light into my day.

It will get better again. Maybe we can't be completely cured, but hoping you soon find a little relief.

I care about you and want you to know how proud I am of you that you are keeping going, doing basic things rather than giving in to the pain and thoughts of self-harm. You're a trooper! Keep up the good work! It can get better!

Wishing you a little peace today.

[Mich]

Ken's posts really have me worried. I feel so helpless. I don't know what I can do. Nothing seems to be reaching him or helping.

I feel so petty even mentioning my own situation but I have to get this out:
I phoned my drugstore to ask them to send a fax to my doctor requesting the med increase from 1-2 mg of Risperdal. I have taken as much as 3 mg so I thought this request would be no problem. My doctor apparently told the drug store he was denying my request. WTF???? I am telling him I am in danger for self harm and he won't give me the drug that can help me. He may believe I am going to use it to overdose but I am not. I truly want it for relief. I have such a bad track record with overdosing and now I cannot get the relief I need.

[shatteredhopes]

I could really benefit from an extra half milligram of ativan now and then for sleep or anxiety, but afraid to ask because its hard enough to get a doctor to give ANY, and I so need a little bit to deal with intense anxiety at times. I've tried valerian, other herbals, paxil, visteral (sp?) etc. with side effects and nothing else works. It ticks me off, because I'm very responsible with my meds now (although many years ago overdosed in self-harm attempt) and it doesn't get me high...a half milligram slows my heart rate and returns me to normalcy and staves off full scale panic.

Maybe if the doc won't give you risperdal, they could give you something else as a supplement if you are having a rough time? I'm fortunate that one particular prescription is written with a lot of leeway that allows me to go up when I need to, like now. Maybe try the doc again...see if there's an alternative solution you could come up with, some kind of compromise to help you while you are having such a rough time.

[xn728]

mich ive deleted that post ,you must not suffer over my pain all my life ive lived like this ,,,make yourself we,ll dont suffer for my pain please
i will write no more ,see now how i have hurt you so sorry ,,,ken