Hi
I'm sorry that my first post is going to be a tedious and dramatic one but I thought I would try this forum before doing anything.
I actually came across this website whilst researching suicide methods - irony huh? The thing is I think I have hit my lowest point and I don't think it will get better until I'm gone.
This will sound all ridiculous but if i explain it all i think someone may understand why i am feeling the way i am and why i am at the point if ending everything.
My depression was diagnosed in 2011 stemming from the death of my father. I had not known him for 20 yrs (i am 26 now) but found him in june 2010 and it was wonderful. He had been looking for me and was incredible. In December he was taken ill and february he was diagnosed with a terminal brain tumour. The cancer robbed me of the person I had come to know as my father and in august 2011 he died in front of me and his family. That day i came back from london to plymouth and carried on like nothing had happened.
That september i started my place at uni studying fashion and loved it. However i was tired, oversleeping and not attending. I argued with my boyfriend who was in the navy who at the time of my fathers death was deployed away and did not come back until that october. I caused problems with our flatmates and was just a moody sullen person or the bubbly fun loving girl that you either loved or were immensely irritated by. Sleep was my best friend and playing xbox. Not going to uni that i loved. I got to a point that after a hideous argument with my boyfriend because i wouldnt go to uni i thought to myself, i dont think anyone would miss me if i was gone. I recognised this as bad straight away and got to see a doc who told me i was depressed. Something that i had great problems accepting but i started to understand that i had a mental health issue - not that i was this huge b***h. I had counselling provided by the uni and my lecturer at the time understood.
I was on citalopram and i started to feel like me again.
I scraped through first year uni and got a decent job that paid well. However i met a girl there who long story short, assaulted myself and her when ridiculously drunk. Police involved, he was arrested and i was scared. My boyfriend again was away with work and i was on my own. On my birthday, someone savagely killed one of our cats that had got out in the night and me and my bf were devastated and i couldnt help but think i was to blame and it was the guy who attacked me. I started to miss uni again and this time i hsd a different lecturer who was angry rather than understanding when i explained these triggers; i was told that one person had ME and another had cancer before me and they managed to come to uni. Instead of spurring me, this made me worse. It didnt help that uni clashed with my new job and i had to leave uni early to go to work. I begged my partner to let me quit my job but with our house and him being away i couldnt afford it. I was doing 8am-3pm uni and 3.30-10pm work and trying to do homework after. Id stay up late. Oversleep. Miss uni. Go to wok. February this year i was removed from my course. I was devastated. The evil lecturer said i could come back possibly in september and restart the year. Instead of working on projects i ignored it all and left it to the last minute. After my meeting in september this yr she decided i couldnt come back. I am devastated. Queue oversleeping, moods and awful depressive moods. My boyfriend struggled with me and got to the point of pressurising me to have sex when i didnt want to and would sulk until i did. Im overweight and very conscious of it, anothrr reason i hate about myself. Today he broke up with me saying he couldnt cope any longer with me. I am devastated. I feel like i lost my degree because of my depression and the pressure of him not allowing me to find another job. My depression has cost me my boyfriend who cannot cope with me anymore. So i have failed at academics, keeping a relationship and controlling my emotions and i cannot take the constant rejection and failure. Im a burden to my family, the person i love and my friends and i cannot do it anymore.
I dont want to do a dramatic suicide and be like look at me, but i cant cope anymore and i just want to sleep and never wake up.
Im sorry i have burdened you with this and if youve made it to the end i salute you but i need help otherwise i will find a way to end it all and stop being this fat, horrible, sad, emotional and financial leech that people see me as.
Concluded that this is it and Cant do it anymore
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Alaska1958
- Posts: 178
- Joined: Sat Jul 06, 2013 11:23 pm
Hi there, I'm way up here in the far north. Just reading your post. I can only imagine what it was like to lose your dad when you were just getting to know him. I'm so sorry. As far as your boyfriend goes, I'm not sure what to say except that it would obviously be better to have a boyfriend who was around most of the time. I mean you really needed him close during the last couple of years and I understand that his work kept him away, but you need someone close.
As far as what other people think of you and your situation. People often don't understand depression, people who haven't experienced it or had someone close to them who did, just don't get it. I really think it's almost impossible for many people to understand depression and suicide. It's where people who make statements like "all people who commit suicide are crazy" are coming from. I was watching a documentary on suicide last month and made the comment that people who say "there is always help" are just parroting a line they heard. A few of the people interviewed in the documentary said they thought suicides should be sent to hell because of the people they left behind who were hurt. I said that some of us suffer for decades with the desire to end it all and it was selfish for us to commit suicide, but it was also selfish to keep us here and in pain. Today someone replied to my comment with a "your just a selfish loser". Just some moron with no sense of compassion as far as I'm concerned.
Do you have other family members? I have a very small family, but their quite loving and have been very good to me over the years.
It sounded like you really enjoyed studying fashion at school. I understand how depression makes that so hard to focus on and keep up with. Years ago I studied accounting and economics and enjoyed it, but was unable to stick to it and never did graduate.
You're going through a very difficult time right now, but I encourage you to not bail out on us yet. When she was 17 my sister killed herself and it really did hurt the family a lot. So I completely get where are at, but try and stick it out.
Write more as you like. There are people here who can understand and can lend a sympathetic ear.
Hugs to you
As far as what other people think of you and your situation. People often don't understand depression, people who haven't experienced it or had someone close to them who did, just don't get it. I really think it's almost impossible for many people to understand depression and suicide. It's where people who make statements like "all people who commit suicide are crazy" are coming from. I was watching a documentary on suicide last month and made the comment that people who say "there is always help" are just parroting a line they heard. A few of the people interviewed in the documentary said they thought suicides should be sent to hell because of the people they left behind who were hurt. I said that some of us suffer for decades with the desire to end it all and it was selfish for us to commit suicide, but it was also selfish to keep us here and in pain. Today someone replied to my comment with a "your just a selfish loser". Just some moron with no sense of compassion as far as I'm concerned.
Do you have other family members? I have a very small family, but their quite loving and have been very good to me over the years.
It sounded like you really enjoyed studying fashion at school. I understand how depression makes that so hard to focus on and keep up with. Years ago I studied accounting and economics and enjoyed it, but was unable to stick to it and never did graduate.
You're going through a very difficult time right now, but I encourage you to not bail out on us yet. When she was 17 my sister killed herself and it really did hurt the family a lot. So I completely get where are at, but try and stick it out.
Write more as you like. There are people here who can understand and can lend a sympathetic ear.
Hugs to you
OK,well, first please let me welcome you to this sight. I'm glad you have chosen to introduce yourself.
One of my first thoughts is about grief. They say that looking for a job is a full time job, but grieving for some one we have lost in our lives can easily be as traumatic and take up more of our emotional reserve. So you've spoken of what's happening now and What's going on in your life. Under those circumstances, if I were you, I think the word "imploding' might be one I'd apply to myself. Depression, in my opinion is a valid reaction to overwhelming stress. In my experience, depression is forcing me to slow down, run for cover, and mentally search for resolution.
For you to have found and then lost your father has to be bewildering. That other people can't understand or accept, is hurtful and unfortunate, but not surprising. You have years of constructed images and feeling to sort through. The sorting won't be complete in two tears or two more. It is the rare person who is prepared for that and can be supportive. On top of that the world has gotten a little rougher lately and is taking more effort from everyone.
So where does that leave you. Well, you're here. And many people here can relate to what your going through and some of the things I've said. I'm not sure thinking about your relation to your father will solve much in the present. But I think it may be necessary in order find direction in your future. And I feel it's part of a process not yet complete. I'm wondering for that bit over a year that you knew your father, how much time you got to spend with him and whether there are questions you wish you had a chance to ask.
Anyway, welcome. I hope you'll keep posting,
Frame.
One of my first thoughts is about grief. They say that looking for a job is a full time job, but grieving for some one we have lost in our lives can easily be as traumatic and take up more of our emotional reserve. So you've spoken of what's happening now and What's going on in your life. Under those circumstances, if I were you, I think the word "imploding' might be one I'd apply to myself. Depression, in my opinion is a valid reaction to overwhelming stress. In my experience, depression is forcing me to slow down, run for cover, and mentally search for resolution.
For you to have found and then lost your father has to be bewildering. That other people can't understand or accept, is hurtful and unfortunate, but not surprising. You have years of constructed images and feeling to sort through. The sorting won't be complete in two tears or two more. It is the rare person who is prepared for that and can be supportive. On top of that the world has gotten a little rougher lately and is taking more effort from everyone.
So where does that leave you. Well, you're here. And many people here can relate to what your going through and some of the things I've said. I'm not sure thinking about your relation to your father will solve much in the present. But I think it may be necessary in order find direction in your future. And I feel it's part of a process not yet complete. I'm wondering for that bit over a year that you knew your father, how much time you got to spend with him and whether there are questions you wish you had a chance to ask.
Anyway, welcome. I hope you'll keep posting,
Frame.
Hi LaMcQ,
Yes, I know what you mean about the irony; I stumbled upon this website in the same way you did. I was googling the various ways to end it in quickest and least painful ways. I believe I found some hope here, and some very caring and empathetic people.
For the loss of your father, I am SO sorry to hear that. Thank God, though, that you two got to know each other, and shared times very precious together prior to his passing. Still, the pain must be a heavy burden on your heart!
If your father were still here, wouldn't he tell you to please don't give up? Right now, it may seem to you that things will never get any better...but when you hit rock bottom, the only place you can look is up. Please don't give up. There could be relief and happiness in your future that you're not presently aware of.
Just a few months ago, I felt like my life was totally closing in on me, due to some horribly stressful events hitting me at once, from all sides. I truly wanted to go to sleep and never reawaken! Continually, I even prayed to God to take me in my sleep. I know what it's like to be overburdened by stress, anxiety, pain, and to feel as though hope is nonexistent. But, miraculously, things did improve with time. Hind sight is 20/20. I'm grateful I didn't finish myself off, before hope began to resurface in my life.
It's good you posted here, and we are listening. You are not alone, here.
Yes, I know what you mean about the irony; I stumbled upon this website in the same way you did. I was googling the various ways to end it in quickest and least painful ways. I believe I found some hope here, and some very caring and empathetic people.
For the loss of your father, I am SO sorry to hear that. Thank God, though, that you two got to know each other, and shared times very precious together prior to his passing. Still, the pain must be a heavy burden on your heart!
If your father were still here, wouldn't he tell you to please don't give up? Right now, it may seem to you that things will never get any better...but when you hit rock bottom, the only place you can look is up. Please don't give up. There could be relief and happiness in your future that you're not presently aware of.
Just a few months ago, I felt like my life was totally closing in on me, due to some horribly stressful events hitting me at once, from all sides. I truly wanted to go to sleep and never reawaken! Continually, I even prayed to God to take me in my sleep. I know what it's like to be overburdened by stress, anxiety, pain, and to feel as though hope is nonexistent. But, miraculously, things did improve with time. Hind sight is 20/20. I'm grateful I didn't finish myself off, before hope began to resurface in my life.
It's good you posted here, and we are listening. You are not alone, here.
I'd also like to add, that although your father passed, his spirit still lives on. He is still the same great man you knew! One day, you'll see him again. And our spirits live on for all eternity. Your being apart from him right now, and the pain you feel in missing him, is temporary. If it's any consolation to you, find solace in the fact that you will see him again. I'm sure it will be a joyous and precious reunion. Please hold onto this thought, when your missing him has you feeling broken inside. Remember, his absence is temporary; When the two of you meet again, it will be eternal.
4EverMe wrote:If your father were still here, wouldn't he tell you to please don't give up? Right now, it may seem to you that things will never get any better...but when you hit rock bottom, the only place you can look is up. Please don't give up. There could be relief and happiness in your future that you're not presently aware of.
I would like to highlight this. The realization that life is ever-changing is often hard to connect back to when at a point of extreme suffering; we are wired to approach things from our current situations. So, basically, the highlighted "aspect" or "truth" about life here is:
Our brains relate to whatever experience of life we're in right now from the state that they're currently in. At the same time, life (existence) itself is non-static, it's ever-changing. It has the potential to be (and to become) tremendously horrific and tremendously beautiful and everything in between.
If you really feel into this for yourself, you know that it's true. Assuming that I communicate well enough (which might not be the case). There is vast potential in just existing even if it doesn’t feel that way right now.
Please understand that I do in fact realize that the situation you're in is very much present, horrific and overwhelming. That is the actual situation for you. That is how it feels and what consumes you right now. My intention here is not to disqualify your feelings and give you a "know-better" answer that just sounds good in theory or whatever. What I'm trying to communicate here is very much related to practically living life whether one's in complete misery or bliss. So basically I'm begging you to connect these words back to your own experience and see if they can apply. If they can't then I'm not communicating well enough. In that case, please tell me that you're just seeing a bunch of pretentious nonsense unrealted to your own experience, and I'll try a different approach.
So: if you can somehow truly realize that life is extremely complex and multi-dimensional; if you can see that this is the truth, and if you can give that insight authority to rule over whatever reasoning your brain comes up with at any given moment, then you have unleashed a force so powerful and potent that it will change aspects of your very fundamental approach to life. Re-discover and surrender yourself to such a force and you will find resolution.
If you think that you already realize this but it doesn't actually help you or whatever, then say that and we'll take it from there.
Hello,
I agree with what you said. I also realize how multi-faceted life is...how complex it is. Yes, and while in a position of sheer sorrow and despair, it's not an easy thing to see past the grief. In my opinion, we all have the right to grieve. When the agony just seems too much to bear, we can't understand the concept of "Keep your chin up." A statement like this would seem to undermine...almost mock one's pain! Truly, I hope that my prior post didn't come across this way...
When we're grieving, it can feel impossible to even think about the future, because the burden of our loss is in the here and NOW. It's impossible to just 'turn off the pain,' and I realize that the wound is too deep to ignore. I also realize that anything I say is a flimsy bandage. Simple bandaids don't cure. For myself, when I'm in a state of major stress and sorrow, it helps to know that I'm not alone. To know that others genuinely care and will listen is of great value to me. However, I don't like it when others say, "It's okaaay," when it's not. Feels patronizing and as though they're making light of what I'm going through.
I agree with what you said. I also realize how multi-faceted life is...how complex it is. Yes, and while in a position of sheer sorrow and despair, it's not an easy thing to see past the grief. In my opinion, we all have the right to grieve. When the agony just seems too much to bear, we can't understand the concept of "Keep your chin up." A statement like this would seem to undermine...almost mock one's pain! Truly, I hope that my prior post didn't come across this way...
When we're grieving, it can feel impossible to even think about the future, because the burden of our loss is in the here and NOW. It's impossible to just 'turn off the pain,' and I realize that the wound is too deep to ignore. I also realize that anything I say is a flimsy bandage. Simple bandaids don't cure. For myself, when I'm in a state of major stress and sorrow, it helps to know that I'm not alone. To know that others genuinely care and will listen is of great value to me. However, I don't like it when others say, "It's okaaay," when it's not. Feels patronizing and as though they're making light of what I'm going through.
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