He's just gone

Depression/anxiety may have touched your family, your friends, yourself; what helps you to deal with it? Sharing is caring!

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Kittycatlilbeans
Posts: 2
Joined: Tue Dec 12, 2017 10:58 am

He's just gone

Postby Kittycatlilbeans » Tue Dec 12, 2017 11:25 am

*extremely long post, apologies in advance*


Background:
Boyfriend and I have been in a long distance relationship for the last year and a half and we both suffer from depression, anxiety, have had traumatic experiences and at times have had less than stellar support from our families. Last year his grandfather who he adored passed away, a student tried to file a false report against him singling the kid out (which was dismissed), and his work was weighing down on him. On my end I was struggling at work and hit a major depressive episode after being raped and was dealing with my divorce which my ex filed without having the courtesy to notify me and allow me time to prepare.

At times these things weighed down on our relationship, and he would shut down and just become completely unresponsive, but ultimately we were able to work through it all. It was never really a fight, and at the end of the day we'd always wind up happily back together.

And when we visited each other things were always great. My friends, my family, everyone loved him. And although we haven't had the opportunity to do the introduction with his folks they said they're happy to see him with someone that genuinely seems to care about him. He wanted to move down here, even though I offered to move on my end as well. He said he's just happier down here and feels like he could have a better life.

Ultimately he is my best friend, the love of my life, and the only person I can picture growing old with and navigating life with. I've never really had a good relationship prior to him and I've never had someone support me as much as he does, be it emotionally or artistically. He's stated he feels all the same things I do, and I do my best to support him in every way possible. Everything about what we have is what I've been looking for my whole life.

I met him by chance through a friend while I was married and although nothing ever happened, I knew the moment I met him he was special. My heart jumped out of my chest, I got tongue tied, and I couldn't be in the same room without turning bright red. He was hilarious, brilliant, handsome, and we shared so many similar interests. I went to go see him every day I could and even after he went back home with my friend to help her move back North, all I could think about was how I wish I had just run away to be with him. I couldn't get him off my mind for months. But Im about 11 years younger so I thought he just saw me as some goofy kid. (I'm 27, he's 38)

Fast forward to my divorce, I was devastated and was blindsided by my ex husband's decision to leave. Around Valentine's day my now boyfriend reached out to just send me a bunch of cheesy old Valentine's to try to cheer me up and we began talking. We both confessed how attracted we were to each other and began talking every day. But due to the distance and being freaked out from the divorce I was a little afraid to jump into things, so I dated around at first but I never stopped talking to him.

I had guys develop feelings for me, but ended them because I couldn't love them back. At the end of the day my heart wanted him. Then that summer he came to visit for a whole week and it was the time of our lives.

Everything is great. There's no jealousy, we respect each other, we enjoy every second of time we spend together, we support each other in seeing friends, we support and inspire each other artistically, and we genuinely value each other's opinions. It is by far the most fulfilling relationship either of us have had even though it's a 9 hour drive between us.

The problem

He lives about 670 miles north of me and suffers from seasonal depression and works as a teacher dealing with some very underprivileged kids. Where I live it's sunny all day almost every day, so I don't really experience seasonal depression issues.

Something happened at work last month and he began to shut down on me again and when he finally talked he explained something happened at work with a kid trying to attack coworkers and he had to restrain the child. Something about the situation really disturbed him and that while although he's decided he needs to get counseling, he's afraid he won't be able to give me what he thinks I need anymore and that although it's hurting him to do so he wants to go on break until he works on himself.

I explained that while I understand that he's hurting right now I don't want to just leave him behind, and that I'll still be here. He then told me how much he loved me and that he really appreciated me sticking by him. For the next few days he seemed to be improving.

Then the holidays hit, and I'm not sure if it was seeing his family with his grandfather not being there, or what happened, but he shut down again. He wasn't ready to talk about it, so I just told him I loved him and if he wants to discuss it I'm here for him.

After that I just would send him a message to let him know I love him and that he has my support no matter what. Then one day I wake up to find out he's blocked me without a word or any hint that anything was wrong. I was devastated, but knowing he was dealing with stuff I've tried to be understanding.

It's been 3 weeks now since I last heard from him and I know I may have had some missteps on my end of handling the situation, and I may have been overbearing the last time I reached out to him, but I'm extremely worried about him and really hurt.

None of our mutual friends have heard anything and they all say this is very odd for him. I have full faith in him and I don't think he's cheating, and I know he loves me. I've come to accept the fact that this might be it and that I might never hear from him again, and there's no way I can force him to be with me, but I'm not ready to just turn my back on him. 

I've got his Christmas gifts here, and I'm not sure if I should just continue to give him space, or if I should send them. I know better than to send a long emotional letter with it,and that he might not accept it all together. I'm just hoping sending him a little card wishing him a good holiday, with the gifts to just let him know I'm still here and thinking of him.

At the end of the day, I know I can't fix what's wrong with him. But he's my best friend and my true love and if things do end, I don't know if I could accept them ending like this. If he left me because he found happiness elsewhere that would be one thing, but if this is the end, knowing that he's hurting makes it even harder because I know he still loves me.

I know there's no right or wrong answer for these things but I just hope I'm taking the right steps instead of pushing him even further away.

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JonsDragonEyes
Posts: 444
Joined: Sat Jul 12, 2014 1:49 am

Re: He's just gone

Postby JonsDragonEyes » Wed Dec 13, 2017 2:05 am

Hi there my name is Star like a star in the night sky. It's nice to meet you and welcome to the forum.

You sound like an incredibly warm and beautiful person. He is a very lucky guy to have you in his life. I wish that I knew more to tell you. It has to be so agonizing what you are going though. I've read your post several times trying so hard to find the right answers for you.

Sometimes all we can do in life is do the very best that we can to show others how much we care and are there to support them. And you have done that. And I also hope with all of my heart that he gets in touch with you soon.

It sounds like he has such an amazing person in his corner I don't know how he couldn't come back. I guess we all just need time away from others sometimes. I hope that is the case with him now.

I promise you that my fingers are crossed for both of you tonight and your both in my heart.

Please come back on here and keep us updated on how everything goes okay.

Love and Hugs to you always
"Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place, and I don't care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard you hit. It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward; how much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done! Now, if you know what you're worth, then go out and get what you're worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain't you. You're better than that! -- Rocky Balboa

Kittycatlilbeans
Posts: 2
Joined: Tue Dec 12, 2017 10:58 am

Re: He's just gone

Postby Kittycatlilbeans » Thu Dec 14, 2017 12:14 pm

JonsDragonEyes wrote:Hi there my name is Star like a star in the night sky. It's nice to meet you and welcome to the forum.

You sound like an incredibly warm and beautiful person. He is a very lucky guy to have you in his life. I wish that I knew more to tell you. It has to be so agonizing what you are going though. I've read your post several times trying so hard to find the right answers for you.

Sometimes all we can do in life is do the very best that we can to show others how much we care and are there to support them. And you have done that. And I also hope with all of my heart that he gets in touch with you soon.

It sounds like he has such an amazing person in his corner I don't know how he couldn't come back. I guess we all just need time away from others sometimes. I hope that is the case with him now.

I promise you that my fingers are crossed for both of you tonight and your both in my heart.

Please come back on here and keep us updated on how everything goes okay.

Love and Hugs to you always


Hi there Star, thanks for the warm welcome and all of your kind words, they're definitely appreciated.

I'm hoping once this semester is done and he goes on break he'll have a chance to just catch his breath and will reach out.

He's done so much to help me make it through the last 2 years and I don't know how I would've made it through some of it without his help. He's an amazing partner when he's not going through these episodes and at the very least I just want to be there for him.

My biggest fear is that he's just going to throw the package away or ship it back to me. Every time I've reached out to him he's either blocked me or deactivated his account without a word.

It's been 3 weeks now so the anxiety is rough, but I'm just trying to do my best to keep my chin up and my hopes up. I still go home every day thinking I'm going to talk to him about our days, only to realize I haven't spoken to him in what feels like forever. It's hard too because we were planning to spend the holidays together and I'm sure that's definitely scrapped.


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