Depressed partner has ended it... Again

Depression/anxiety may have touched your family, your friends, yourself; what helps you to deal with it? Sharing is caring!

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Joined: Tue Mar 07, 2017 3:59 pm

Depressed partner has ended it... Again

Postby Sadicorn » Tue Mar 07, 2017 4:02 pm

Hi All,

Firstly can I say how hearing all your stories really resonated with me and gave me comfort to know I wasn't the only one going through this.
I'd been with my now ex boyfriend for almost 4 years before we split for the final time this weekend.
The problems were never as severe within the first couple of years, but I was very aware of his demons.
He often said to me that he felt dead and empty inside, the only problem was that whenever I spent time with him (we were long distance) I could never see it or truly appreciate it as physically to me he was so happy.
Last year, around February out of the blue he told me he could no longer be with me and that he felt guilty for wasting my time (I should also point out we have a 10 year age gap) and that he would never marry me or want children due to his hatred for the world. When I say out of the blue, it was a different man that I could not recognise, cold and emotionless as he told me all the reasons we couldn't be together.
I didn't really understand the severity of depression at this point and reacted like a 'normal' person so to speak and said "fine" - why would I want to be with someone who clearly didn't want to be with me? And we didn't speak for 5 months.
I was heartbroken and by this point I definitely left the "door open" as I had no understanding as to what really had just happened.
Anyway time moved on and I didn't, and somehow we ended communicating again. I remember walking back to my desk and finding a two page email as to how low he was really feeling- I had no idea. I met up with him several times after that, but it was his comedown after Glastonbury that really bought all his emotions back- he was a mess. I found out that during our 5 month break, that he had been seeing another girl for a couple of weeks. This broke me. We broke up for him to be alone and he found someone else. He explained to me this soon fizzled out as he openly explained to her he was never over me and they had a big fight about her wanting him to remove me off social media. Still it hurt.
We carried on, he took antidepressants and did amazing trips together. He treated me to holidays and really made a huge effort for my birthday. He openly expressed his love for me which he had really struggled with in the past and I really felt that the break had made us stronger.
Anyway fast forward a year later, and after a romantic break in which he had surprised me with. and almost to the exact day last year, he has ended it with me again. He often expressed to me that he needed to "go away" and sort himself out, to be honest I think it was escapism at its finest. We have just spent the weekend in London together in which he had already told all his family that he was going to end it- his mum cried. Once again it came out of the blue. He had spent the previous two weeks in Africa with his brother in which he had come to these realisations (I'd like to also point out that his brother has no idea how depressed he is). Emotional was an understatement. I knew the depression "fog" was back and that anything I said/tried to fight for was lost. He told me he had to be by himself and that I deserved so much more- a life with someone who could put me first. I tried to tell him I wasn't going anywhere and that we could get through this again together, but it was pointless. He was determined to "set me free" and that although he loved me, he felt guilty over the fact that he could never offer me a future (a future which he wasn't willing to explore because in his mind I needed the marriage and babies).
He was robotic, but at the same time very emotional (he cried over me deleting him off facebook) and clung to me the whole weekend. I'd like to also point out we broke up on the Saturday and I stayed with him until the Monday. On the Sunday morning I woke up at 4am and just watched him sleeping next to me telling myself that it couldn't be it. I should have left the next day but I needed answers.
I spent the whole of Sunday analysing him every way I could, it helped me to realise that this guy didn't even know his own decisions or what he was saying - everything was a huge contradiction. I took comfort in the fact that he was so lost rather than just being cruel for the sake of it.
I really believed that he thought he was saving me, but all I could see was my love for him and that love conquered all right?
When we said goodbye, I found it hard to cry even though he was in bits. We cut contact and I deleted him off social media as I know how much he watched what I did- this had to be for good this time. After some serious reflection the last two nights, I felt relief that he had done something I should have done ages ago. I just couldn't leave him because I thought he needed me.
I feel guilty that he is now truly alone, but I cant do anymore for him whilst this "fog" clogs his brain once more.
I've started the process of "closing the door" because it started to effect my own mental health, and he needs to work this out by himself. I hope in the future we can be friends because we have a great bond with each other, but for now I need to take active steps of moving forward and regaining the person I was before depression engulfed us both. I can't do this "break" on an annual basis- it's killing me.
I just wanted to share my story because I'm at the beginning of a new chapter.
I'm sad and conflicted but this has to be for the best. I'm hoping he sorts himself out and finds happiness but I can't see it happening anytime soon- I think he is also in love with his misery.
Is anyone else at the same beginning? Am I right to cut contact and leave him by himself? I know he won't talk to me for months and months possibly years because honestly, I think he's waiting for me to "break" and to buy into the whole misery monologue and depression show once again X

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Joined: Wed Dec 14, 2016 2:25 pm

Re: Depressed partner has ended it... Again

Postby Lwoodall » Sat Mar 11, 2017 2:23 pm

I am really sorry! Maybe you can pray that your ex gets help. Depression is very painful. I wish your ex would get help. Maybe it would be helpful for you too to meet with a professional who can provide some guidance about how to deal with your ex in a way that is helpful for both. it's sad that your ex has suffered so much. Depression will not go away on its own. I think it's necessary to get help for depression. I hope God helps both of you.

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Joined: Sun Mar 12, 2017 5:31 am

Re: Depressed partner has ended it... Again

Postby Melieke » Sun Mar 12, 2017 8:46 am

Hello Lwoodall,

I can relate to you, as i had a borderline- relationship like yours myself.

You're still caught up in co-dependance as shown when you ask here, if it was right to leave him.

Further you behave like a junkie struggeling with wether to take the drug once more or not, you are frightened that you might contact him. Realize, that it is in your power wether to contact him or not. Stop pressuring yourself into contacting or ignoring him, just relax at this point and ask yourself what you need at this very moment and care for you.

Get out of your victim- position.
My ex also told me that i should go find another man, that he wasnt good enough. That was very hard for me, because i wanted and loved HIM. I played his game, as you play his. And should i tell you what? if one takes part in the drama of another, both loose. You keep the shit going and it becomes more and more a bad habit, and thats how the relationship turns into a chronical progredient desease. That is what i learned from this.

Stop letting anybody abuse you and take care of yourself!

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