A father's love is not enuf.....

[richardk4040]

Hi, first time here, searching for answers or help or?


I don't know what to do anymore, my story... I hope you have a story or advice for my situation.

I am a father who loves his daughter. yet for the last 15 years my 24 year old single mom with a beautiful daughter (age 5) has struggled oh so much.

Every father wants to help, every father wants to make the hurt go away.

Yet I write this from a coffee shop at 7 am on a Sunday after a long talk yesteday with her. Her life is misery. Yes she is depressed, yes she is suicidal, yes she should have every reason to live with a sweet daughter who adores her.

Before replying, read on pls.

Me? I live in constant agony knowing she is struggling just to get out of bed almost every day. I hurt for her. I think about her always, I am unable to concentrate not knowing what crises will I become alerted to in her life. If the phone rings after 8 pm, I cringe expecting the worst. I cannot stop her pain. I try to carry hope and help for her but after listenting to her yesterday. I am void and dont know what to do next. She cried yesterday, the talk was so bittersweet. to have a unique moment to hear her heart, yet to see the pain in her voice, her eyes, her life. We hugged, we cried, but in the end she left to go back to her home, to go back to bed, to cry some more until she falls asleep and can be at peace.

She has been in and out of counseling, she has been in ER rooms more times than I can count, most recently on Easter Sunday. She has tried medications. She has taken She struggles to exist. She is only able to function enough to bathe, feed and get her daughter off to kindergarten.

Yes there is clear family history of medical depression. Yes she lost her older brother to a horrible suicide when she was only 10. I cannot change that.

Back to yesterday, She is tired, she does not want to live anymore.
she told me that because of her brother's suicide she cannot take her own life because of how it would leave her daughter traumatized and in grief the rest of her young life. But she also prays everyday that she will just die. Car accident - she hopes, anything where she does not initiate her death but death is what she lays in bed 24/7 hoping for. Her pain being alive is to her much less than the thought of the pain of death.

As a father, now i sit here typing. Because I have not stopped thinking of how she was yesterday, because I cannot make the hurt go away. Because I am losing hope and becoming more numb to the fact that I need to prepare myself for her eventual demise. Becuase once again I went to sleep hurting for her, and awoke at 4 am laying there wide awake hurting for her and knowing that I cannot save her from herself.

I have to try and accept the things I cannot change. Yeah? no this is by far the hardest. My wife (not her mother) does not understand, and is not a support. I am in my own way just as alone as her. but I can make it , I just dont know if there is anything more I can do except to accept the reality and not have my head in the clouds pretending that things for her are better than they really are.

I am so sorry she hurts so much, I cry, I dont know what else I can do.

Her life is filled with such darkness and pain.
A place i cannot pretend to understand nor make go away no matter what I do , no matter how much I love her.

How am I to make sense of all this and be okay? when it is not okay. I am thinking I need to continue to love her, she knows I do , she knows I try to be helpful, but her pain remains constant.

After yesteday, after the hugs and tears. Her pain today is the same. She wants it to stop. she is tired, her world is not in this world. She wants it to end. There is nothing I can do, but wait, love, and know that it might be tonight, next month or ? until the phone will rings one final time.

[dougsan]

What do you expect to be able to do? The depression and memories of what causes it belong you your daughter. When she wants to rise above the pain and torment she will. Your daughter, in my opinion, should be hospitalized for her depression. I believe her daughter should be taken away from her until your daughter gets help.

These are opinions based on my experiences with depression. When I hit bottom I can enter a rage state and try to destroy anything or anyone around me. The voices also come alive at this time and they want me to kill. Kill myself, kill my wife. Kill. Seroquel brings me out of this state. More important Cymbalta keeps me from entering it, 85% of the time.

Drugs can help a whole lot. But they have to be taken. If your daughter was my daughter and would not accept help from legal drugs or professional people I would take her daughter and call the health care people.

I feel for your pain. Can you get your daughter to read some of the posts here?

[richardk4040]

Hi and thanks for taking the time to read my post. I don't detect any rage or potential physical harm to her daughter ( my granddaughter).

My daughter states very reationally that it is the blessing of her having a child that makes her push thru the pain and depression. Obviously that would be a different situation if she did not have a child of her own to care for.

She loves her daughter very much. And yes I would hope she would be open to counseling or looking at some form of med that might help her live a life and find some sweetness or enjoyment.

[arham]

Can you keep us updated on how everything is going angriff ?? My fingers are crossed for you !!



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