dealing with others depression tips

[Obayan]

It's not easy dealing with someone else that has depression. But here are a few things I try to remember when I'm trying to help someone else....

1. I am not responsible for someone else's actions, thoughts or feelings.
2. I can not "fix" someone else. I can only "fix" myself.
3. Do not allow their grief/depression to become my own.
4. Always speak with compassion and respect.
5. Every suicide threat should be handeled as if it was the one real time they mean it. Refer them to a hotline and do not continue the conversation any further. Trying to help someone when you are not trained in how to handle a crisis can cause more harm than good.
6. Try to think of what they need to hear and not what you need to say. Listen. Don't hear what you think they mean. Hear what they are saying.

Well, I hope this helps some. Most depressive people will try to isolate. This doesn't mean they don't want you or desire you or care about you. It's the depression. Treat it like it's a seperate entitiy.

One of the best things my daughter does is this....

My depression often manifests itself in anger. When I say something mean or hurtfull, she'll sit down, put her arms around me and say "that's the depression talking. Now tell me what my mother wants to say to me."

[shatteredhopes]

It can be so hard to gauge, like in the chatroom for instance, as sometimes it seems different people with depression are looking for different things. Sometimes I know suggestions are helpful to me, so I try to offer to them others, but then sometimes it might come across as trying to fix them rather than be helpful. Sometimes I need encouragement most, but when I offer than to others, sometimes it seems that what they really want or need is someone just to listen and understand....again as trying to fix them rather than my intent offer hope.

In my 12 step program, we talk about offering "experience strength and hope" and I think that sounds good for depression too...what helps me might be useful to others and what helps them might be useful to me, we lean on each other when we are weak and others strong or vice versa, and try to offer some glimmer of hope....

I know mistakes I have made...like with my ex I got so absorbed in dealing with his depression I neglected myself and suffered tremendously for it. A man I am close to now, I try to tell him the things I admire about him or how well he is doing while acknowledging that I know he is hurting, but I don't feel he accepts the way I see him as true...if we could only see ourselves as those who love us see us....so I worry he gets tired of me telling him how great he is....when maybe what he really needs is just for me to listen and understand.

Its difficult to see someone you care about suffering and not be able to help. But this week while I was really down, my mom took me out to lunch, her treat. Later that day the man in my life suprised me as I found a box on my door from amazon with a c.d. that I really wanted, and two days later a card with a little spending money....It really felt good just them showing with these gestures how much they cared.

Sometimes the little gestures are huge. I can't tell you how many times just a kind word or smile from a stranger or a man opening a door for me kept me going...I know one day long ago I was at the end of my rope, but I had promised to bring my little dog to the nursing home as I regularly did and I knew the people were looking forward to it so I forced myself to go even though I felt like crying the whole time I was there. When I got ready to leave, the activities director said to me "You made a lot of people happy today"...maybe she saw it in my eyes or my demeanor, and it was really my dog that made them happy, but that simple thing was the reason I didn't end my life that day. Because I knew I could still help others somehow, even though I didn't want to go on, if I could help others, life could still be worth living.

Never underestimate the power of being kind. I know for me others kindnesses have kept me going more times than I can count. I try to be kind with others, but do sometimes lose it....

We all may be looking for different things and what helps one may not be helpful to another....all I can do is be myself and try as best I can to be helpful to others, as people as so often helped me.

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

((((((((((((((((((( Obayan )))))))))))))))))))))

Just felt the need to give you a hug, my friend.

Warmie

[shatteredhopes]

((((((((Warmie)))))))) (((((((((((Obayan)))))))))))

Thanks for adding this section, it will be helpful to see what people post.

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

((((((((((((( Obayan and shattered )))))))))))))))))

Obayan, thank you for what you have added. Sure it will be helpful to others.

Shattered, YW and I do believe it a positive place. Knowing others deal with all we do, and how they handle things.

Warmie

[CrispyRingo]

I wish my mother knew this. I don't know if she understood that I am depressed, but if she did, she didn't show it or try to help. If she had read what you posted, she would know I wasn't being stupid or reckless, just that I needed help. "What's wrong with you?" she would ask, "This isn't like you," or "I don't understand how someone as sensible as you would do something like this." I hated her when she said that, and that hurt.

Thank you for posting this. I think if I reverse these in a way it could work out to my advantage.

CrispyRingo

[CrispyRingo]

Shatteredhopes, I feel the same way. Kindness is very powerful, in a way that some people just don't understand. The way somebody regards or their tone of voice can go a long way. CrispyRingo

[Obayan]

It is not a sign of weakness to need help. Nor is it a sign of failure. It's merely a sign of being human. One of the most responsible things we can ever do as adults is recognize when we need help and ask for it. Now the kicker is to actually recieve it when it's given. It may not be what we want to hear, but rather what we need to hear.

The way I did it when I came out with my ptsd with my family is this.... i found a website that listed the signs of depression. Then i circled the ones that applied to me with a red pen. At the bottom, I wrote, "this is me. If you want to talk about it, i'm available, but know that i'm going to be honest, not just say what you'd like to hear".

One way I find is helpfull when talking to a parent is to start with this... "i need your help...." It kinda gets them started with the maternal protective mindset.

[CrispyRingo]

That's a tramendous help. But the thing is, what if they can't help you? What if the cause of my depression is something they can't control. As long as I live with it, my depressive state will always be at my heels. It's not leaving, and when I plan to leave I believe it will be too late. Too much of my life is wasted already. I'm just fed up, and tired.

[TackingIntoTheWind]

I'm very much aware that there is obviously so much that I don't know about the nature and causes of your depression, (((( CrispyRingo )))). So, I hope that you won't mind if I offer a few thoughts that occurred to me as I read your post, that may, or may not, be applicable.
My " gut instinct " based on my own experience, is that just as there are things that " trigger " and worsen my depression/anxiety, being aware of those things, and asking people's help to avoid/lessen those things can help me to manage my depression/anxiety better.
Now, obviously this raises a whole raft of questions. Do I trust them enough to ask them for help? Are they willing to help me? Are they constrained to act in ways that make helping me impossible? Etc,etc...
So, to answer your question even if the cause of your depression isn't something that other people can control, I very much suspect that it IS something that other people will be able to help you control.
Your depressive state may not be going anywhere, but that doesn't mean that there aren't at least some people who can help you to " keep it in check ", and so help you make a more hopeful future for yourself.
It may be that there are quite a few people who may well be able to help you in all sorts of small, but vital ways.
( At which point, I can do no better than refer you back to (((( Obayan's )))) very good advice in her last post. )
Best of luck, (((( CrispyRingo )))), I hope that you find some people who can encourage you to feel that you can find someone who can help you " keep the hope of better days. "

[CrispyRingo]

TakingIntoTheWind,

They are some very valid points. Yes, it's true I (or anybody else) cannot control, but I've considered something very important in the past few days. Say, for example, that the cause of my depression is a person, say a family member. I also realised that there are three ways I can fix it. One, I can seclude myself from everything and everyone. But I guess that would be a little difficult considering we live in the same house. And I've tried. Two, I could remove myself from the world. Third, and maybe the most effective plan of action, I can remove the cause from the equation.

Yes, I know people are difficult to trust. Most of the time they take advantage of you or people who seemed like good frineds secretly exile you, in my case. Things just get too unpredictable sometimes, and it makes it all the more difficult to trust and judge people's true nature.

Thank you, from the bottom of my heart for your advice. It's nice to think somebody has time for me :) From CrispyRingo

[TackingIntoTheWind]

You're welcome, (((( CrispyRingo ))))!
In your post, when you were listing the three possible solutions to the possibility of your depression being a person, say a family member, I was struck by how what you said rather reminded me of me. I know that when I'm feeling depressed/anxious I tend to think of my problems and feelings very much in black-and-white terms. I fight whole battles " in my head " that often end up never happening at all. It's a flaw in my thought processes caused by my depression/anxiety that I'm very much working on. And, I like to think I'm making progress, even if it is in a two-steps-forward-one-step-back sort of way. So, having said that, I hope you'll forgive me for cautioning you against such similar all-or-nothing thinking.
Assuming, for a moment, that the cause of your depression is a person, or family member. ( Although, as far as your posts have read, this has not definitively been established? For example, if the cause of your depression were to be something else, none of your proposed solutions might work. )
Also, might there not be more than three solutions to any problem? And, even your first and third possible solutions might be valid, ( I hope you'll forgive me for saying that your second proposed solution " I could remove myself from the world ", is something that I would have to say needs to be crossed right off the list. There's only one of each person in the world, and we can't afford to lose any one of these irreplaceable individuals, and that includes you! ), like me you state them in rather black-and-white terms. As I often remind myself, sometimes it's better to see things in more flexible terms, not always in terms of black-and-white, perfection-or-disaster, if you know what I mean?
For example, as you say, excluding yourself from everything and everyone would be difficult. But, could you avoid the, " hypothetical " family member, or if you had to spend time with them, could you somehow arrange to have someone else present at the same time?
As for " removing the cause from the equation ", that, again, reminds me slightly of the way that I think sometimes. Even if you could " remove the cause from the equation ", ( And, I'm coming more and more to a belief that a lot of problems don't have " once-and-for-all solutions ". ), I feel that any solution to any problem that I have needs to be a solution that is one that I can live with in good conscience. One that is " legal, decent, honest and truthful ", to quote an old British advertisement. I've always believed, and still do, that it's no use my " solving " any of my problems if I can't look myself in the mirror afterwards.
I hope that you can find your way to better days, but, please don't " lose " yourself in the process. Best of luck!

[Obayan]

((( crispy ))) i wish you luck and success. Let us know how it goes.

[concerning_giants]

Hello, I felt I had to join up to the forum after reading this thread just to offer my thanks.

My boyfriend is a longtime sufferer of depression, stemming from childhood trauma and subsequent adolescent drug abuse, but recently he's taken a downward turn. As someone who's never experienced similar feelings, at least not to his degree, it's been good to read these tips and see that though I often feel I'm doing more harm than good, it's something other people feel when they care about someone with depression.

We're both students and exam time has been more stressful than ever for both of us because of his 'bad days' but I'm now more confident that we can overcome the current turmoil. He's scheduled to start a course of cognitive behavioural therapy in the new year, would anyone have any advice on what we should expect and its benefits?

Thanks again, guys.

[Obayan]

I'm so glad that you found help here.

CBT does a world of good! I took it and oh my gosh it helped me so much. Of course, i had to go thru it twice for it all to sink in all the way, but it was soooooo worth it. Good luck hon.