complex problem regarding my lovely newborn daughter, and the smokers that live with us.

Depression/anxiety may have touched your family, your friends, yourself; what helps you to deal with it? Sharing is caring!

Moderators: windsong, cj-, BlueGobi, Moderators, Frame

Dubliner
Posts: 24
Joined: Tue Jan 07, 2014 12:30 pm

complex problem regarding my lovely newborn daughter, and the smokers that live with us.

Postby Dubliner » Sun Feb 18, 2018 7:00 pm

hello there.
i just thought i need to rant to strangers and sort of need help and advise on this subject.
im sorry if this message is badly written, it is 11 at night and iv had a long day at the hospital, please bear with me.
i am also sorry if i have posted this in the wrong place. i looked through all the options and this seemed to be the best one.
i am lucky enough to have become a dad to a beautiful little girl as of the 14th of this month, valentines day. everything has been going ok, currently my wife and daughter are both still at the hospital because there was a few minor problems with both of them after the birth, and both are on antibiotics, but both are recovering just fine.
so far so good, but now to the problem
i am unfortunate enough to live with my mother in law and sister in law, both smokers, not very heavy smokers, but smokers none the less.
the sister in law smokes pot quite often as well as normal cigarettes, neither are the sharpest knife in the draw to be honest.
regrettably, i have only just started reading a book on babycare and childcare since we have been in the hospital, so i suppose i'm a stupid bastard too.
well, iv been reading a lot about how basically if you have smokers in the house, second or third hand smoke WILL get to the child, and WILL likely do damage. or maybe even cause cot death
the thought of it fills me with a horror thats difficult to put into words, especially as it seems like a train wreck that i could possibly prevent.
but talking to the wife about this has been extremely difficult, she says i am overreacting, being unflexible, undiplomatic, she cant stand criticism of her family she gets super stressed when i bring all this up and usually ends up in tears. clearly the family dont want to go far out of their way to change any habits (theyre selfish)
i was so livid when i found out the sister in law 23 years of age had smoked a joint in the house even though it had been expressly forbidden. with baby returning home just a few days away. i had a real go at her, i wanted to tear her limb from limb.
so i am in a real dilemma, me and the wife are both tired already, it was a very difficult labor, the wife doesnt want to talk about it really, and the in laws are too moronic to change habits. if it was just me here i would kick them both out forever, but i have to be tolerant of them because of my wife and i cant get angry about this situation because it stresses my wife. even though they are living in me and my wifes house under our roof, they have this power over me because of my wife and it pisses me the f*** off.
anyway, im going to set a few ground rules with them,

1, no smoking in the house ever, they break this rule they die.
2, they smoke out the front with the front door closed, (my baby will be around the back of the house on the second floor most of the time)
3, they cant pick up my baby unless they have at the very least washed their hands thoroughly (im thinking it should be more extreme, they should have to shower and change their clothes too, its what i have read)

all of this though leads to another conflict that will likely arise. they especially the sister in law are incredibly self centred and likely will break these rules, they have proven themselves to be quite untrustworthy in the past with breaking promises. the mother in law will want to hold and spend lots of time with her grandaughter and i will not want her to at all. the mother in law will likely get involved with the washing of her clothes, and i wont want her to.
they all think im a paranoid nut, they look at me like im crazy and insufferable for not wanting to take any chances whatsoever with my daughter.
but heres the thing. i will have to go back to work soon, i wont be able to guard my daughter all the time, and very likely because i have a family of idiots living with me, they will break these rules and get their filthy hands on my daughter, her clothes and food.

so anyway, really i want to know from you guys wherever you are what do you think of this situation? am i being paranoid and neurotic? i mean from what i have read i am not.
what would you guys do about this? i have some anger management problems among other things so the part of me that is saying i should slap the shit out of the sister in law and kick them both out of the house permanently, i cant tell if that part of me is unreasonable.
i also dont really have any friends i can really talk to, so again i cant tell if im being unreasonable or not, i have nobody to turn to, the wife is too stressed to go through a confrontation with her family, along the lines of forcing them to stop smoking, (which is what i would really want)
i just know that this situation is making everyone miserable, when this should be a wonderful time for us. and i know that i will be at work worrying about if i am going to get a call telling me my little beautiful baby has passed away.
thats another part that really pisses me off is that what should be the most amazing time for all of us has been soured with fear, arguing, uncertainty and loathing.

i should also say that initially when the mother in law was going to live with us permanently i was actually happy about it. as we were planning on having a child and she has raised 3 kids of her own i thought it a great idea to have an extra and experienced pair of hands around the house. she is also a great cook which is a bonus.
anyway thanks for reading and please leave a comment.
regards.
Dean.

Dynamo
Posts: 5
Joined: Mon Jan 22, 2018 7:06 pm

Re: complex problem regarding my lovely newborn daughter, and the smokers that live with us.

Postby Dynamo » Mon Feb 19, 2018 12:39 am

As a smoker I gotta say i think your overreacting. The antismoking propaganda machine will blame everything wrong in this world on smoking. And you being a protective new father its totally understandable for you to be concerned. But many many many children have been raised around smokers with no issue. My grandmother was a heavy smoker, if I didn't get to spend time with her as a kid because of her habit that would be devastating. So I would definitely at least rethink the "they die" consequence. I get hotboxing the apartment isn't a good idea, or them blowing smoke in the kids face probably isn't cool but beyond that I would say your overreacting and the true issue might be more with your outlook on smokers or your in laws. But again I understand your concern and maybe I'm not the right person to ask not having children. So that's just my take, I hope I didn't offend.

User avatar
Olive
Posts: 24
Joined: Sat Feb 03, 2018 7:36 pm
Location: Buffalo NY

Re: complex problem regarding my lovely newborn daughter, and the smokers that live with us.

Postby Olive » Mon Feb 19, 2018 1:42 am

Hello ^.^ very much congratulations to you :)

I think you need a mediator who can help you communicate better with your in-laws: there seems to be no respect from either side (you may be pleasant but you seem like you have negative opinions of them.) If there is a doctor, therapist, pastor... whatever who can help you sort this out, that would probably be best because so I think you seem already close to your wit’s end. I don’t mean to say I think you’ll fly off the handle, I mean more, it seems yoout ability to have productive conversation with them is diminishing.

As far as should you be worried, I think that is extremely justified. These are two adults who can’t own their lives and just kick the habit. Normally I don’t judge anyone for what they do, but if someone’s ignorance is putti another person at risk... that’s contemptible to me. Smoking is horribly unhealthy and babies are very vulnerable.

You need to get on track with your wife with this and you both have to decide. Show her some research and have one of the nurses at the hospital or a doctor tell her what the dangers are if you can.

If you are being too angry or neurotic or whatever, it is on you to have self-control, but this is a stressful situation and you seem to be being provoked.


Anti-smoking propaganda is a stupid phrase. It’s called science.

Good luck to you, OP :)
~Olive

Dynamo
Posts: 5
Joined: Mon Jan 22, 2018 7:06 pm

Re: complex problem regarding my lovely newborn daughter, and the smokers that live with us.

Postby Dynamo » Mon Feb 19, 2018 2:32 am

Ok i hate to derail this topic. But religion has been disproven by science yet I don't see anti religion advertisements. And think of all the deaths due to religious conflict. I'm sorry you think my comment was stupid, wish you could have kept that to yourself. Maybe we can get a pastor to mediate between us.

Dynamo
Posts: 5
Joined: Mon Jan 22, 2018 7:06 pm

Re: complex problem regarding my lovely newborn daughter, and the smokers that live with us.

Postby Dynamo » Mon Feb 19, 2018 6:19 am

So to follow up since I kinda rushed that last post. There are plenty of things science has proven that people don't pay attention to, see global warming, stem cell research, consumption of fast food, evolution just to name a few more off the top of my head. Just none of them have the same propaganda campaigns and hateful vigor against them that smoking does. You are obviously anti smoking and to each their own. But when you say his in-laws lack the ability to control their own lives, that is an uninformed statement. There are plenty of smokers who don't want to quit. It probably is harder to keep smoking now then it is to quit. And I'm just arguing cigarettes, marijuana is a whole other argument where I could throw in the health benefits of smoking. This site is about mental problems and both have mental benefits. So again try and look at the other side and keep negative comments to yourself please. I really don't mean to hijack this topic.

But this site wow, first I basically get no response when I post some could say almost ignored and now i get attacked and belittled. Is this site encouraging depression?

I haven't tried attacking either of you by the way just giving my opinion as a smoker. Thanks again olive.


Return to “Family and Friends of People Living with Depression”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 2 guests