Posted: Sun Jun 06, 2010 4:48 pm
Good evening, Jess. I feel a familiar understanding to your situation. I too had "friends" like this. I gave them everything they needed. I cooked them dinner when they were tired, I dropped everything when they called out of the blue because their plans were cancelled or because they needed help. Not once did they do this for me, not once did they ask how I was, or anything about me really. Because they weren't interested in anything I thought or felt, I never said one word about myself. And now look at me, I never let a person in; I don't keep friends, and god forbid if they call me one, i push them even further away; if people begin to probe my life because I won't tell them anything, I cut them out altogether; and I make excuses not to see people, then sit alone in my room all night. I can only ever say things like this online because it's not face-to-face. You don't know my name. But if it gets too relaxed, too friendly, too comfortable - well I just run away again. Please don't end up like me. You'll spend each day in battle, wanting to be with people, but when you're there all you want to do is stop them talking, you can't get up and go because people are there, they'll stare, they'll question, but the person won't stop talking and a baby is heading towards you (the one that's been taught to hug and kiss people) and you just can't deal with emotional situations anymore because you just feel numb and full with emotion from an entirely different source all in one moment. You need to escape and stop the talking and the people waiting for your reply is staring at you and you just want to stab your hand with your fork, because only something so shocking would stop the interactions and make everthing still again. But when you're alone, the loneliness is all you hear. It beats you down, it's chips away at your exterior one fragment at a time until you want to scream because there isn't a person you know that would come to your aid. Not one person you can share this thing with. Because you forced them away. You want them back, but you just can't cope with there presence. You need someone there. To just sit in silence. But you have no one.
And that's why you need to drop these rocks, they're too heavy for your pockets. Go find a new friend. Just one friend. Too many and they'll know you only as an acquintance. Go find your best friend before these people have you scraping your face off the pavement.
And that's why you need to drop these rocks, they're too heavy for your pockets. Go find a new friend. Just one friend. Too many and they'll know you only as an acquintance. Go find your best friend before these people have you scraping your face off the pavement.