in dying need of a friend...

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Dame Renaissance
Posts: 7
Joined: Sun Jun 06, 2010 4:16 pm
Location: Scotland

Postby Dame Renaissance » Sun Jun 06, 2010 4:48 pm

Good evening, Jess. I feel a familiar understanding to your situation. I too had "friends" like this. I gave them everything they needed. I cooked them dinner when they were tired, I dropped everything when they called out of the blue because their plans were cancelled or because they needed help. Not once did they do this for me, not once did they ask how I was, or anything about me really. Because they weren't interested in anything I thought or felt, I never said one word about myself. And now look at me, I never let a person in; I don't keep friends, and god forbid if they call me one, i push them even further away; if people begin to probe my life because I won't tell them anything, I cut them out altogether; and I make excuses not to see people, then sit alone in my room all night. I can only ever say things like this online because it's not face-to-face. You don't know my name. But if it gets too relaxed, too friendly, too comfortable - well I just run away again. Please don't end up like me. You'll spend each day in battle, wanting to be with people, but when you're there all you want to do is stop them talking, you can't get up and go because people are there, they'll stare, they'll question, but the person won't stop talking and a baby is heading towards you (the one that's been taught to hug and kiss people) and you just can't deal with emotional situations anymore because you just feel numb and full with emotion from an entirely different source all in one moment. You need to escape and stop the talking and the people waiting for your reply is staring at you and you just want to stab your hand with your fork, because only something so shocking would stop the interactions and make everthing still again. But when you're alone, the loneliness is all you hear. It beats you down, it's chips away at your exterior one fragment at a time until you want to scream because there isn't a person you know that would come to your aid. Not one person you can share this thing with. Because you forced them away. You want them back, but you just can't cope with there presence. You need someone there. To just sit in silence. But you have no one.

And that's why you need to drop these rocks, they're too heavy for your pockets. Go find a new friend. Just one friend. Too many and they'll know you only as an acquintance. Go find your best friend before these people have you scraping your face off the pavement.

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Warmsoul/Jeanie13
Posts: 29195
Joined: Mon Jun 05, 2006 8:46 pm
Contact:

Postby Warmsoul/Jeanie13 » Mon Jun 07, 2010 9:59 am

((((((((((((((( Dame Renaissance)))))))))))))))))

Words of wisdom, nicely stated, thanks.

Warmie

Lonesome9191
Posts: 1
Joined: Sun Nov 20, 2016 11:35 pm

I wonder if I will ever have a true friend

Postby Lonesome9191 » Sun Nov 20, 2016 11:44 pm

I wonder if I really will ever have a true friend. Or will it be always when people find the time if they're not too busy with more important things

Flux
Posts: 5
Joined: Mon Nov 21, 2016 4:37 pm

Re: in dying need of a friend...

Postby Flux » Mon Nov 21, 2016 5:43 pm

Hello Jess (and everyone else),
I only just registered to this forum myself, but I noticed your post and was so sympathetic to it that I decided to reply here before I introduce myself.
Apologies in advance for the long text.

The feelings you've described are very familiar to me, and as you've seen here, you and I are far from unique in that regard.
I'd like to share some of my own story here, but first I wish to say that I'd be happy to talk to you as much as you'd like about anything you'd like. You can tell me anything and I promise I will never judge you in any way whatsoever.
I can promise to be as good a friend to you as I can, and to be there for you whenever you need me as best I can, but you need to remember that I, too, suffer from these difficulties - namely, when I fall into depression I have a tendency to avoid talking with people altogether.
So like you would want me to accept you as you are and respect your difficulties, I would ask you to do the same for me.

Now for my own story (the relevant part of it).

When I was in college I would always help everyone around me on a regular basis.
I taught anyone anything whenever they wanted, I made notes from every class and upload them for everyone else to have, I tutored people before exams, etc.
I somehow became rather famous in my faculty and was approached by lots of people.
This was rather strange at first, but I liked it as I made a whole lot of new friends.
But I always felt like they only wanted my company solely for my help.
One particular thing that really upset me was that despite the fact that everyone used my notes, nobody would ever save me a seat in class so that I'd be able to *write* said notes.
I wrote a poem about it at some point; I'll post it here in a bit.

But you know what? I was wrong.
Sure, most of those people only talked to me when they needed help with something - but those were people I didn't know that well to begin with.
The people who became my friends truly did want my company without any regard to our studies.
It just didn't seem like it to me, partly because we were busy with school most of the time, but mostly because of the way my mind works.
Depression is characterized by cognitive distortions that make you perceive reality inaccurately.
I was focusing on the times they needed things and filtering out the times they wanted me for me. This is a distorted perspective.
Of course, knowing this is the case doesn't prevent me from still feeling like my distorted thoughts are true. But it helps a little.
When I actually asked someone to save a seat for me, they were only too happy to, and if I arrived at a full classroom and asked to have a seat, someone would actually volunteer his own. But I never asked. I thought that if they really cared about me, they'd consider me themselves without me having to ask for it specifically.
But different people see different things.
Just because it seemed obvious to me that someone would do something for me if they cared about me, that doesn't mean it's obvious to them as well.
They may very well agree to my point of view but still not do anything simply because it doesn't occur to them.
After all, they're people too, and they have their own things on their minds.

I still feel the loneliness a lot - I searched for this place because I wanted to find someone to talk to, after all - but I try to remind myself that it's not because people don't care about me, but rather because they have their own lives to contend with, and cannot make themselves available to me 24/7.

Now, I'm definitely not trying to say that this is the case with you as well.
For all I know, these so-called "friends" you mentioned really are uncaring people.
But if that's the case then those are not the friends you want anyway.
I promise you, there are good people who would love to befriend you and give you the support you need.
You've seen how nice people are here, but I'm certain you can find such people where you live as well. I'm not saying this to belittle your frustration; it's just a note of optimism. ^_^

At any rate, my offer stands; I'd be happy to provide you with a sympathetic ear, a shoulder to cry on, a crutch to lean on, a hand to high-five to or anything else of the sort. =)

** Edit **
The poem I mentioned:
http://www.depression-understood.org/forum/viewtopic.php?f=8&t=31719


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