Depression Understood Forums

Hi all. Happy holidays!

I'm posting my story of how I got to be depressed here hoping that maybe this will make me feel better.

My biggest issue at the moment is that I feel bored all the time. Nothing moves me. Sometimes I feel dead inside, sometimes it's like I'm lost in space, or my soul is out and I'm witnessing life passing me by. Everything I want is hard to achieve, takes years of consistency, takes effort and an amount of energy that I don't have.

I'm not sure what I want from life. I have no clear direction. My job is unstable. I thought I had chosen my career based on my passion but now I don't feel passionate about anything at all.

This is the second major depression that I've encountered. Before, in high school, when I was depressed, I felt nothing but still managed to get myself to do things, to fight for my future.

Now, it's different. I am depressed but in a way that I'm very, very bored. I don't want to do anything although I know very well that this will only make my life harder. I'm not yet financially independent, and so if I don't work, I won't have money - not to mention that the money I make is not enough to sustain myself and pay all the bills. I'm sharing my expenses with my family. This troubles me a lot, but my will to fight has died slowly over the past two years.

I feel like I haven't partied enough, laughed enough, haven't had enough time to just do fun stuff. I've tried things like allowing myself to play games, eat snacks, watch my favorite TV series, and still after that, I feel like, "Nope. I just don't want to work anymore. I don't like my life. I don't know what I like. BUT in any case, I haven't had fun enough."

Then I'm thinking it's time for me to meet new people. And it goes like this, "Yeah, let's go to dating websites, make an account and talk to some guy over there and... nah. You're going to meet some other bored guys that expect you to talk by yourself because they're just not that good at talking and... whatever. Your career is still unstable. No one is going to like you when you're like that. And remember that you've tried doing this before? Of course you remember! You just couldn't get yourself to talk to the guys there consistently. At first, you accessed the dating website daily, then you had to push yourself hard to even go weekly, then you simply thought it was better to focus on your career and voilà. Months pass by and you haven't replied to your messages... You probably just don't like people."

Apart from this, I'm quite confident that I look nice and have many undiscovered talents, but because I feel so lifeless and energyless, I can't explore them. My life will stall while I'm aging and my family issues are probably going to grow.

I'm underweight. Anyone would remark that I'm too skinny, and I cannot contradict them. I eat too little, my appetite is usually low. And of course, now I'm bored to go cook something. And if I have to cook something, I have to make something healthy - which is, again, boring.

Going back in time to see how I got to this stage...

My boredom and lack of will to work started just after I had my first two months of financial success. I was happy that I had managed to earn a decent salary from working online - which was my dream - but then I lost motivation when I realized my career was unstable as a freelancer and I woke up with a sore throat - which in part was because I had pushed myself to work and forgot to eat. I maybe had only one meal a day. And from that day on, I struggled with getting myself motivated to pursue my dreams. I saw that other distant friends of mine managed to work as freelancers and live a prosperous life, so it's not impossible. But getting myself out there, to talk to people, to show up with new content online is an issue. It doesn't sound hard to me, but I just don't want to do anything.

I notice some improvement when I take the time to eat properly for a few days at least, and maybe that's what I'm going to do after I finish posting this message.

Oh, and there's something else I wanted to say about the environment I live in. At the moment, my father is lethargic because of some flu he'd caught, my mother is still having her moments of long screaming and cursing which are part of her mental disorder - she has some meds that have helped to reduce that, but it's not over yet; and then there's my sister who is also ill and has become a different person this year...

I was born it the city and raised there, but now I live at the countryside. At first, I thought it was amazing to live in a beautiful natural area with wonderful landscapes and fresh air, but after my grandfather died, my mom has started raising chicken and pigs and it's a huge mess and noise most of the day. The pigs place has a bad lock, and they sometimes escape and so I have to run after them before they enter the neighbors' yards. It happened many times this year. We even had some conflict with the neighbors and had to pay for the damages. Then we also have 16 roosters that have nothing to do but to jump on every hen we have. I have caught 10 of them and separated them from the hens, and it's a little better now. I just hope that my mother won't release them again - she pities the separated roosters.

I want to change my life but I feel like whatever I try I won't escape this place I'm in and it will get worse as I age and lose my loved ones...

Wow, lol, look at me! I've written some very embarrassing stuff about myself. Let's hope this will motivate me to start changing my life.

Thanks for reading this honest nonsense of mine. I'm not expecting any advice. I know this is my fight. My fight with laziness/depression.

Wishing you all a better year and lots of success!

Hey there. Thanks for sharing your story. I don't really have much advice but I just want to say that it's essential that we acknowledge our reality, and that's what you just did, so congratulations. I just wish you all the best.