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alex679
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Joined: Thu Feb 26, 2009 12:33 am

Hello all

Postby alex679 » Thu Feb 26, 2009 12:36 am

Hey folks,
I'm new to this site. Haven't ever really written on a forum like this before. I just needed to find some other people out there that have felt like I do, and I guess hopefully some that have found ways to manage it better than I.

aim
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Location: USA

Postby aim » Thu Feb 26, 2009 2:27 pm

Hiya Alex - welcome to the forums here! Lots of wonderful people around here to help and support you. What is going on with you? Please do share, ok?

I'm 32 and did go through a pretty severe bout of clinical depression following a nervous breakdown brought on by health anxiety about 10 years ago. It seems that once I was able to get out of it, my anxiety laid dormant for a while and came back full force a little under a year ago.f

Now, I have health anxiety and generalized anxiety disorder, and take the pill Paxil to help control it.

Hopefully I, and many other people here can be of help to you, Alex. I wanted to share a bit of that portion of my life just to let you know that I've been very very low, and continue to struggle with anxiety.

Hope to see you post again soon!

Emotional_77
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Postby Emotional_77 » Thu Feb 26, 2009 3:48 pm

Hi Alex and welcome to the site, I hope you enjoy it here as everyone in this forum is very welcoming and supportive, continue posting!!

Monty
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Postby Monty » Fri Feb 27, 2009 3:03 pm

I have just come back to this site, I was away for a while. I hope that you find your way back here regularly. It helps to be in contact with those that have understanding of what it is like to have the, as Winston Churchill put it "black dog", in varying degrees in your life.

I have been diagnosed as bipolarII,OCD,PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder) and another I can never remember. They had trouble trying to figure out just what label I should have so I am not sure if some of them are just the flavor of the month.

There is no dispute though, I deal from some heavy-duty depression.

I have been on a multitude of medications over the 20 or so years since I was diagnosed. I was also involved in the revolving door psychiatric hospital system in the late 90's.

Fortunately I seem to be able to cope without hospitalizations. I have found that the thing that I find is the most help, when I go through a tough time is knowing that there are people out there that will listen to me. Not necessarily always agree, but at least listen to me.

For too long I was treated as the weakest link. None of us here are that.

I also encourage you, to keep posting.

aim
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Postby aim » Fri Feb 27, 2009 9:06 pm

Monty... forgive me, but what's the difference between bipolar I and II? I know all about anxiety and depression (first hand) but not much about bipolar...

Glad you're still here and posting, Monty!

georgiapeach
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Postby georgiapeach » Fri Feb 27, 2009 9:32 pm

((((((((((((((( alex )))))))))))))))))))))))
welcome to the forums!!!! this is a great place. hope you open up and hope to see more posts from you!!!!!

Monty
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Postby Monty » Tue Mar 03, 2009 1:52 pm

Sorry it took me a while to get an answer to you on the differences between bipolarI and bipolarII.

I certainly no expert but I can tell you what my experiences have been.

When I first became ill they had a hard time deciding on a diagnosis. Settle on the bipolar II for me.

In just talking about bipolar. It used to be described as being manic-depressive. That term is more familiar to people.

Manic-depressives or those with the bipolar diagnosis, have, what the name indicates (which makes it easier to explain) episodes of mania along with periods of depression.

It has been explained to me that the difference between the I and II is the severities in the heights of the mania and the depths of the depression. According to the psychiatrist's bible,DSM IV (I think has been updated to DSM V), there is some kind of scale to rate the mania and depressive episodes. The frequency of incidents is part of the whole process.

Of course those with bipolarI have a tougher row to hoe than those of us with the bipolarII thing in their life. It is much harder to control, which makes sense because their extremes are much greaterthan bipolar II.

I haven't had many manic episodes, for which I am grateful. I did things that I normally never would consider doing, plus I don't sleep.There are those that like the mania, it is so much more freeing than when in the depths of the depression. It scares me though because I usually like to think that I am rational, when manic I am totally irrational. I can't imagine what it must be like to have to cope with bipolar I behavior. My lows are low enough for me. At times I have been incapacitated by depression. Talking about the mania is just too far out there for me to explain in words.

Mania does seem to inspire people. They get so much more done. Need no sleep and some feel more artistic. There are those that refuse medication because it inhibits that part of them. Me, I'd just as well do without the mania. One episode I particularly remember (when it comes time to take my meds) when the mania went way out of control. I ended up spending $10,000 more in that year, than came in. when people are manic they also tend to think that they are invincible (unlike me feeling invisible) and take way too many chances with pretty well all aspects of their lives.

Also thown into mine is that I am a rapid-cycler. I can go from being Ok (isn't that term relative) to being totally incapacitated by depression in half a day. They played with my meds a lot. It is said that mania can be brought on by stress. That has been true for me because if I get too stressed, I have trouble sleeping. Then it gets to the point you are in the proverbial position, of which comes first the chicken or the egg.

I am grateful that I seem to be going through a relatively (there's that word again) stable time. It is tough when you have the possibility of a manic episode and those around you get disturbed when all you are doing is acting happy. Learn to be careful. It is an awful thing though, to have to curb happiness.

aim
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Postby aim » Tue Mar 03, 2009 7:20 pm

Hey - thanks for the clarity, Monty. I am grateful for you that you suffer from the lesser of the two evils. Although neither seem like a picnic!

It is extremely unfortunate that you feel you have to hide happiness because others think you are going through a, "manic," phase. Can you just explain to them that you fine, just happy? And this means that they should be happy for you? Or... would they not believe you?

I'm glad you're, "stable," right now, Monty. You know, my health anxiety was dormant for about 8 years before it came back with abandon! Those dormant time are nice, aren't they?

Best wishes to you, Monty. Still glad you're here!!!! :-)

Monty
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Postby Monty » Wed Mar 04, 2009 12:00 am

It bugs the crap out of me when those close are scared when I seem happy. Or I guess it is just too happy to them.
I can reason it out in my head because I was very ill a couple of years ago, and they are afraid that things might be repeated.
I was numb for a lot of years. Numb enough that people who have known me for more than 25 years, have said that they never heard me laugh before.

I am stable now. I have been enduring this stuff for enough years, that I know when stuff is going sour. I will never let myself get that ill again.

I should ask these people, how (or more importantly why?) do you hide pure joy in knowing that, for now, things are ok.

Too pensive tonight. Better head off to bed.

Sleep well.

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Warmsoul/Jeanie13
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Postby Warmsoul/Jeanie13 » Wed Mar 04, 2009 8:09 am

((((((((((((((((((((((( Monty ))))))))))))))))))))

Good to see you about, just sending a simple hug your way.

Jeanie

aim
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Postby aim » Wed Mar 04, 2009 11:35 am

Hey all! I have to tell you, Monty, that I understand your promise to yourself that you will never allow yourself to get that sick again - I've done it myself!

I can remember being in the worst place after my nervous breakdown, and, once I got out of that place, I made the same promise to myself, and am happy to say that I've been able to keep it thus far.

Although my anxiety is something I think I will always struggle with, since I've made that vow to myself, I've never fallen into that type of all-comsuming depression again.

By the way, Monty. Who cares what they think? If you're happy - be proud and show it!! In time, even the people who did live through the worst of times with you will see that you are not manic, just happy!!!

Monty
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Location: Canada

Postby Monty » Wed Mar 04, 2009 2:04 pm

Thanks to those that sent good wishes my way.

The emotion thing has really been something that I have had problems dealing with.

I was pretty doped up on meds from 1988 to 2007. I must have been functioning enough, I was able to take care of a family. I know that there were times of deep, deep depression that has probably contributed to my extreme case of low self-esteem. My kids turned out ok but I know I was very unwell, so that was in spite of, not because of me.

It got to the point that there was no hope in the meds department, I went through them all in those 20 years. ECT became the only possible solution.

I know that I was one of the fortunate ones that the ECT worked on. I feel very badly for those that it wasn't successful for.

The long and the short of it, is that the ECT enambled the pdoc to cut back on my meds. The combination of those two things just clicked.

After 20 years of being numbed out. I could feel again. The only way the I describe it to people is like having fireworks going off in my head. It is almost like I am a child, learning to cope with emotions for the first time.

Can't tell you what it feels like to laugh, and laugh until the tears come and I can't breathe. The joy that I can finally let myself since (I hadn't done that for years) express my love of music. I will listen to music, at home in my car anywhere, and the tears will flow. I even let myself sing, and not just quietly, I sing just to express the joy that I feel.

People who have known me for more than 25 years, say that they have never heard me laugh before. Like I said, mind-blowing.

My friends are astounded.

All emotions, love, joy, hate, anger, frustration all of them are like I am experiencing them for the first time. Truly mind-blowing.

The tough one for me is anger. My mother suffered from mental health problems, for all intents and purposes I have been taking care of her (in varying degrees, since I was 10) for a long time. Due to religious beliefs most emotions are meant to be ignored. Or repressed, whatever word I use, I think that you understand what I mean.

Made the anger thing tough when I was a kid, easier to cope with when I was numbed, and I now I find that I am totally out of my league now when I am trying to deal with it for the first time at the age of 51. People aren't as forgiving as they are when you are learning these skills as an adult, when most do it as kids. I have to be careful to put a reign on that one. I don't let it get too far.

Maybe when I get a better handle on that one I won't have to worry about developing ulcers again.

I have gotten to the point in this posting that I can't remember, just what the point of writing was supposed to be.

I get razed pretty bad because the ECT did do major things to my memory. I do remember that I loved and that I was (and still am) loved.
That is enough for me.

Fortunate for you I have to go out to an appointment. You're off the hook, for now. Sorry that I don't have the time to go back and edit what I have written. Normally that takes me a while though and I want to finally get to the point that I can just turn the editor off, and let the words flow.

Take care everyone. Good to know that you're in my corner.

aim
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Postby aim » Wed Mar 04, 2009 7:16 pm

Hey Monty...

Feeling again must be wild, scary and fantastic all at the same time, huh? I'm so glad you are able to get in touch with the little things in life that are so important... like laughing!!! People definitely underestimate the power of laughter.

Can you share how the shock treatment helped you? Would love to know...

Monty
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Postby Monty » Thu Mar 05, 2009 5:05 pm

Hi Amy,

I am very careful about sharing how ECT worked for me, in places where I know that others tried, and it didn't. When someone gets to the point that ECT is strongly suggested, they have usually exhausted the med route. I sat beside someone in church, who it didn't work for. I know the desperation when you get to the point. Also know that our individual results had nothing to do with me as a person, or her as a person, it was just it didn't work for her and it worked for me. I have trouble looking her in the eyes. Loss of hope is a terrible thing to see in the eyes of anyone.

So if anyone tried ECT and it didn't work, please don't read any further.. I have no reason to feel guilty but I will if I think that something that worked out so positively for me, didn't for somebody else.

I got to the point that I was extremely ill. I have to rely on other people's tellings of what happened because I lost from July to November. I had some good friends that took care of me. Phoned local hosptals. health care workers, health care politician, politicians all to get me in. I live in Canada where yes, we have universal medicare, but the waiting lists are horrendous.

I do remember only very little bits of the whole thing, even before the ECT. I know that I was very agitated and ill to the point that I had those around me scared.

I had 6 or so treatments, was in the hospital for 3 weeks, came home and it worked. They compare it to rebooting a computer. They don't know how or why it sometimes works but it just does. The kicker is that if it does work, you don't know for how long. Could last you forever, or not.

It is a very humane, controlled procedure. Give you an anesthetic, oxygen, you don't trash about like on TV. It is over in about a minute. They send you back downstairs and carry on with your day.

For me it gave me a second chance at life. I had been ill for a long time (about 20 years when I was treated) and the severity had not been constant. For a long time I wasn't able to take care of my home. I also was so drugged that I have no idea why my kids love me so much. I don't think that I would even have been described as an adequate mom.

Now it is like the whole world is new to me. I was a total introvert before, not exactly an extrovert but I do speak in social situations now. I appear to have people in my life who like being with me. They at least treat me as a decent human being.

Any emotion that you have felt in the 24 hours prior to reading this, multiply by a thousand, and that is what I have in my life now.

I have said before I don't know how you can put words to emotions like joy. I think also because I know there are very many people in the mental health system that I have known over the years, that have fallen through the cracks and for them the world is too much to bear.

In that way, I used to be content to just let the world passme by. I won't let that happen now. I get very indignant when I think that an injustice is being done. Many of us who have suffered from depression can get quite ill at times. I am determined that I will do what I can to help these people that are so vulnerable, and sometimes not able to be proper advocates for themselves.

I didn't hide my mental illnesses before but I didn't really want anyone to know. Now I will be very open about it because I know that it is surprising how many people will tell you that they are in the same boat, on the sly, when they know that you also suffer. By that I know that there are strength in numbers and also in education.

I do what I can, when I can. Now I am going through a very rough spot. It is very difficult when you have been so sick before to not scare those around you. I have experienced the drops of deep depression many times and it is scaring the crap out of me now. I know only too well that my mood starts to drop slowly, and if I don't stop it, I can end up very ill, very quickly.

I think that is one of the most frustrating things that I find about depression, that no one wants to listen. If my medical health professionals would just listen to those of us that are ill, I think that a lot of people wouldn't bottom out so deeply.

I absolutely,completely and without doubt will not let this win. I will fight tooth and nail. In order to live with myself I must be pro-active.

One of the ways is doing what I am doing now, just sitting down and typing what comes into my head, turned that damned editor that has plagued me for a good part of my life, hoping that by letting it out that it won't seem so bad.

I usually re-read and edit my posts. Will not click the Preview button. This one I will just Submt, as it.

Monty
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Postby Monty » Fri Mar 06, 2009 1:33 pm

Just a quick note to let you know that I am doing much better today. Am too embarrassed to totally to read my last posting of yesterday.

My pdoc appointment, that I had been worrying about for a while, went well yesterday. His wife had told him that she had gone to some medical professional rating on-line site, and that his had been positive except for the fact that he kept his patients waiting. Was close to on time geteting in yesterday, and out there within pretty well a minute of my allowed time.

Decided to put me on a different med for my sleeping. I was taking Zopiclone or Imovahne, and the benefits I was getting before seem to have vanished. I usually quickly gets to the point that it is ineffective, the body adjusts, and the dose needs to be increased.

I have been immobalized by overmedication for many years in my life, so neither of us want to visit that road again. After some talking decided to go on something that hopefully, will not lose is effectiveness quickly.

My insomnia is not just something that creeps up on me. It has plagued me for a good portion of my life and as a result is a chronic condition that has to be treated as such. There is little doubt that it will be a thorn in my side for all my llife. A solution that makes my life easier is in both of our minds.

Now that I have these wonderful feelings to experience, I don't want to take any chance of them being dulled again.


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