Stuck in a Viscious Cycle of Self Sabotage and I want to die.
Posted: Mon Feb 04, 2019 5:01 pm
My story doesn't make sense, but it's probably because my thinking hasn't made sense in a long time. I've hurt a lot of people by bringing them in on my decisions, and taking advantage of their love and support (not on purpose, but by not speaking up). I never meant to have things unfold this way but they just did and I let them.
Depression is sort of like that; it's like a twisted form of meditation where you watch things come in and pass you by and don't try to control them. Except for this is real life and letting things and events float in and out of our lives is careless, reckless, and stupid. I can't explain it any better than that, that's just the dynamic in my head.
I feel empty and drained of all ability to sustain focus, calmness, peace inside, and happiness from moment to moment. Every minute is mental struggle at this point. It has slowly escalated over the past year into this absolute hurricane in my head, where my thoughts have no bearings, are not grounded, and swirl around eachother in confusion. I don't know who I am, what I want out of life, and where I am going with anything.
Let me tell you the full story. In July of 2018 I was laid off from my first real office job in Landscape Architecture (my educational background). It was my first real break, and then my boss decided I wasn't qualified enough as a graduate and that he had to let me go for someone with much more experience. It's not necessarily something to take to heart, but I did. I was crushed. I'd lost my chance. So I bounced around from job to job in a city that had no other opportunities for me. I worked as a landscaper and a home painter. Then I was offered an interview with a huge firm in Vancouver B.C. - my dream location to live out my life. Everything was going so well, I was passing interviews, having a great outlook on my future, planning my move. Then, after contacting my first employer who let me go, they made up a story suggesting they'd brought back an old intern and wished me luck in my job search. At this point, I'd already told everyone in my life I was trying to move to B.C. for this job. Everyone was proud, and I had already started to let go of my apartment and started to move there in small ways.
What happened was, I had set up a second job as a landscaper out there. And now this was my only job prospect, but certainly not a long term solution (It's expensive to live in B.C. if you didn't know). Instead of dealing with things head on and being honest with my friends and family, I did exactly what I always do - I lied and said that I still had the big firm job and was going to move for a great opportunity. I had already set up a place to rent, and had booked a professional moving company that would cost a TON. On top of that, my boyfriend of 4+ years was not ready to move with me and had a lot of emotional instability himself. He not only couldn't come, but was feeling rocky with me. And just to fill you in, he means the ABSOLUTE world to me. Like I mean, I'm emotionally dependent on him, and I literally go into a complete meltdown when I think that I'm going to lose him. You would think at this point that I would call it all off right? NOPE. I just continued to stress EVERYBODY out around me with anxiety and inexplicable indecisiveness. No one could help me decide what to do because I wouldn't tell anyone the whole story. Without all the details, how could ANYONE help me decided how to back out? Or to go?
So. It comes time to pack up my apartment - the movers come. At this point I'm feeling like emotional death. My boyfriend and I have been spending every day together because I'm leaving and were driving eachother nuts. I'm crying every single day and he can't handle the pressure that I am putting on him to come with me to Vancouver (where WTF I don't even have myself prepared). I'm actively ruining the relationship that means the entire world to me. And inside, I'm tearing myself apart. On the one hand it's my dream to work and live in B.C. BUT I DONT HAVE THINGS IN ORDER, on the other hand there's my boyfriend whom I love more than anything in the world and I'm risking losing him. So what do I do? I let things slide out of control of course. I don't be honest, I f*** up everything. I decide to let my step mom put down money on the moving company, I let her pay my first month's rent in B.C., I say goodbye to my friends and have a heartbreaking convo with my BF where we decide to stay together long distance on super rocky terms. I let my parents book a flight to Vancouver, I get on it, and I go. I get here, and MELT. DOWN.
I'm like, instantly, as soon as I'm in the empty apartment, WHAT THE f*** did I just do?
WHY WHY WHY am I so anxious, and insecure, and unhealthy in my head that I don't let people in, don't be honest with people about what is going on around me, and don't call things off? Why do I act like this? Than I just cry and cry, and suffer from further anxiety and indecision. I then go ahead and pursue my boyfriend with relentless calls to ask if he can just come and move OR at least visit me here. He's completely thrown off, and keeps saying no (obviously? he needs time to work himself out before coming, and I can't even let him do that). I have EXTREME guilt and regret about the move like, instantly. I have extreme home sickness, and I just feel like DYING. All I know, is that I need to figure out how to reverse time because this is not okay by any means. Now I've come clean to my family and boyfriend and they are FURIOUS and disgusted with me, as they should be. We have to call and pause the movers from shipping my items, I have to work here for a month and figure out how to come home to a job of some sort and home. My family and bf are sick of me and cannot believe that I let this happen. I hate myself beyond explanation, I don't know what the f*** is wrong with me. Please help me understand why I sabotage myself constantly by making rash decisions, or not stopping things because of shame. I don't talk to people, I let things run their course right into the ditch. And underneath it all I hate myself with a deep poison. I feel unloved by my boyfriend who has trouble committing to me, I feel like I am floating around in an unstable mindset that I cannot seem to ground. Worst of all, underneath everything that's been happening for years, I've cried religiously and I've wanted to die. I fantasize about stabbing myself in the neck with a pen until I bleed out, or cutting my wrists, or hanging myself. I feel like, wow, I just won't EVER be normal like everyone else where I just think logically about my decisions, and make the right ones. I feel like I will always be stuck in this f***** up mindset that I can't put my finger on.
I think I just can't imagine life without my BF AT ALL, and I can't keep making decisions and facing the consequences. I feel like I've finally ruined my life for good, no one will forgive me, and it was always bound to be ruined. I ruin everything and I feel like dying every single day. How can I love myself when I am such a terrible person? I lie to cover up things that I can't handle as my reality and I make everything worse and for some reason, even though I know that I do this, I KEEP DOING IT. I have the most fear in the world that things will never improve, and that I will always lose people and ruin my life. Help. I really do just want to end it.. It can't keep happening like this.
Depression is sort of like that; it's like a twisted form of meditation where you watch things come in and pass you by and don't try to control them. Except for this is real life and letting things and events float in and out of our lives is careless, reckless, and stupid. I can't explain it any better than that, that's just the dynamic in my head.
I feel empty and drained of all ability to sustain focus, calmness, peace inside, and happiness from moment to moment. Every minute is mental struggle at this point. It has slowly escalated over the past year into this absolute hurricane in my head, where my thoughts have no bearings, are not grounded, and swirl around eachother in confusion. I don't know who I am, what I want out of life, and where I am going with anything.
Let me tell you the full story. In July of 2018 I was laid off from my first real office job in Landscape Architecture (my educational background). It was my first real break, and then my boss decided I wasn't qualified enough as a graduate and that he had to let me go for someone with much more experience. It's not necessarily something to take to heart, but I did. I was crushed. I'd lost my chance. So I bounced around from job to job in a city that had no other opportunities for me. I worked as a landscaper and a home painter. Then I was offered an interview with a huge firm in Vancouver B.C. - my dream location to live out my life. Everything was going so well, I was passing interviews, having a great outlook on my future, planning my move. Then, after contacting my first employer who let me go, they made up a story suggesting they'd brought back an old intern and wished me luck in my job search. At this point, I'd already told everyone in my life I was trying to move to B.C. for this job. Everyone was proud, and I had already started to let go of my apartment and started to move there in small ways.
What happened was, I had set up a second job as a landscaper out there. And now this was my only job prospect, but certainly not a long term solution (It's expensive to live in B.C. if you didn't know). Instead of dealing with things head on and being honest with my friends and family, I did exactly what I always do - I lied and said that I still had the big firm job and was going to move for a great opportunity. I had already set up a place to rent, and had booked a professional moving company that would cost a TON. On top of that, my boyfriend of 4+ years was not ready to move with me and had a lot of emotional instability himself. He not only couldn't come, but was feeling rocky with me. And just to fill you in, he means the ABSOLUTE world to me. Like I mean, I'm emotionally dependent on him, and I literally go into a complete meltdown when I think that I'm going to lose him. You would think at this point that I would call it all off right? NOPE. I just continued to stress EVERYBODY out around me with anxiety and inexplicable indecisiveness. No one could help me decide what to do because I wouldn't tell anyone the whole story. Without all the details, how could ANYONE help me decided how to back out? Or to go?
So. It comes time to pack up my apartment - the movers come. At this point I'm feeling like emotional death. My boyfriend and I have been spending every day together because I'm leaving and were driving eachother nuts. I'm crying every single day and he can't handle the pressure that I am putting on him to come with me to Vancouver (where WTF I don't even have myself prepared). I'm actively ruining the relationship that means the entire world to me. And inside, I'm tearing myself apart. On the one hand it's my dream to work and live in B.C. BUT I DONT HAVE THINGS IN ORDER, on the other hand there's my boyfriend whom I love more than anything in the world and I'm risking losing him. So what do I do? I let things slide out of control of course. I don't be honest, I f*** up everything. I decide to let my step mom put down money on the moving company, I let her pay my first month's rent in B.C., I say goodbye to my friends and have a heartbreaking convo with my BF where we decide to stay together long distance on super rocky terms. I let my parents book a flight to Vancouver, I get on it, and I go. I get here, and MELT. DOWN.
I'm like, instantly, as soon as I'm in the empty apartment, WHAT THE f*** did I just do?
WHY WHY WHY am I so anxious, and insecure, and unhealthy in my head that I don't let people in, don't be honest with people about what is going on around me, and don't call things off? Why do I act like this? Than I just cry and cry, and suffer from further anxiety and indecision. I then go ahead and pursue my boyfriend with relentless calls to ask if he can just come and move OR at least visit me here. He's completely thrown off, and keeps saying no (obviously? he needs time to work himself out before coming, and I can't even let him do that). I have EXTREME guilt and regret about the move like, instantly. I have extreme home sickness, and I just feel like DYING. All I know, is that I need to figure out how to reverse time because this is not okay by any means. Now I've come clean to my family and boyfriend and they are FURIOUS and disgusted with me, as they should be. We have to call and pause the movers from shipping my items, I have to work here for a month and figure out how to come home to a job of some sort and home. My family and bf are sick of me and cannot believe that I let this happen. I hate myself beyond explanation, I don't know what the f*** is wrong with me. Please help me understand why I sabotage myself constantly by making rash decisions, or not stopping things because of shame. I don't talk to people, I let things run their course right into the ditch. And underneath it all I hate myself with a deep poison. I feel unloved by my boyfriend who has trouble committing to me, I feel like I am floating around in an unstable mindset that I cannot seem to ground. Worst of all, underneath everything that's been happening for years, I've cried religiously and I've wanted to die. I fantasize about stabbing myself in the neck with a pen until I bleed out, or cutting my wrists, or hanging myself. I feel like, wow, I just won't EVER be normal like everyone else where I just think logically about my decisions, and make the right ones. I feel like I will always be stuck in this f***** up mindset that I can't put my finger on.
I think I just can't imagine life without my BF AT ALL, and I can't keep making decisions and facing the consequences. I feel like I've finally ruined my life for good, no one will forgive me, and it was always bound to be ruined. I ruin everything and I feel like dying every single day. How can I love myself when I am such a terrible person? I lie to cover up things that I can't handle as my reality and I make everything worse and for some reason, even though I know that I do this, I KEEP DOING IT. I have the most fear in the world that things will never improve, and that I will always lose people and ruin my life. Help. I really do just want to end it.. It can't keep happening like this.