Nearly broken.

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SadBritishGirl
Posts: 2
Joined: Sat Jan 19, 2019 5:30 pm

Nearly broken.

Postby SadBritishGirl » Sat Jan 19, 2019 5:42 pm

Hi all.
So I’m currently lying in bed crying my eyes out writing this. I can’t even pin point what is wrong with me.. I’m just so fed up. I was put on anti depressants in 2017 by my GP and they worked great for a few months but then I came off them when I met my new partner. I’ve still got them in my cupboard and I take one occasionally on a bad day but I have to keep it a secret from my OH.

I’ve got no reason to be depressed, my OH has a fantastic job so that enabled me to give my job up (which I didn’t enjoy) so I’m a stay at home mom to my daughter and step mom to his two boys. He pays me a wage so I can pay my own bills and also pocket money so I don’t go without anything. He pays for meals out and also our family holidays.
So why do I feel so dark?

I used to be the life and soul, but these days I hardly say a word, and when I do I start to stutter and then get so embarrassed I wish I’d never said a thing.

I think I may have a touch of OCD.. I clean our house so it’s like a show home. I can’t bear any clutter. My youngest step son is incredibly messy. I can feel myself getting anxious as soon as he steps through the door. I physically have to hide in my bedroom so I can be far away from him. The other 2 children are fine, it’s just the youngest, even though there’s only a few months between him and my daughter. (They are both 8 )

I’ve recently quit smoking after 10 years so my temper is shorter than normal but this has been going on for months and months.

I know something has to give soon. I’m getting to the point where I’m having really dark thoughts about my own life. Sometimes I feel like getting into my car and just driving away from everybody and never returning.

I love my partner but I feel incredibly needy. He spends most his time on facebook, if I speak to him he doesnt even acknowledge me. He can spend hours on group chats to his friends talking about motor bikes which I’m just not interested in. If he doesn’t give me enough attention I block him out. As if I’m punishing him for something he hasn’t even done. Of corse he has no idea at all that I feel like this, he just thinks I’m being moody, he has no idea it runs so much deeper than that
Sorry for such a long post. I just needed to get it all off my chest

RustyTavern
Posts: 58
Joined: Fri Jul 13, 2018 7:15 pm

Re: Nearly broken.

Postby RustyTavern » Sat Jan 19, 2019 8:25 pm

Have a good wash, use sweet perfume and wear suspenders.

Symbiotic
Posts: 2
Joined: Sat Jan 19, 2019 9:32 pm

Re: Nearly broken.

Postby Symbiotic » Sat Jan 19, 2019 10:00 pm

Alright. Maybe if I speak to the parts that I relate to it will help in some way.
Shutting people out is something I can share with you when I'm not being attended to. It has DESTROYED my relationships. I understand the punishing part. It was only when I pushed people away that I realized the destructive pattern.
You don't need a reason to be depressed. That's the cruel joke about it. It waits for no man or woman. In fact, one could argue that when things are good, is when it sets in the deepest. At least I can attest for myself in that. Some people find peace in struggle and so the lack thereof can have the opposite affect. Ever look back on your life and see when you were say, at your poorest, that maybe you were at your happiest? I've found that. It sounds like you sorta have everything and that can be debilitating in and of itself. I know it is for me.
It also sounds like you have axiety as well. I'm no medical practitioner unless having both makes me an expert lol. Have you researched that in any way?
I understand the getting in and driving away bit as I've been doing that myself all night. Running temporarily abates the misery but I've found it's always waiting when I get home. And putting things off tend to make them worse.
As far as for the dark thoughts, what can be said. It's why we are here isn't it? Trying to find understanding that we can have it all but want to throw it away? It's being tired of feeling I think. At some point we all wanna get off the emotional rollercoaster. You can only be shaken and jarred for so long before exhaustion sets in.
I'm in the same sinking vessel but writing this seems to help some. And I hope it did for you as well. Regardless, I don't have any answers. Just another person on the other side of the world trying to figure it out. I do know this though, you gotta let your partner know. Every time I was afraid to share but did, it resulted in positive changes. Even if they were temporary. It made me more aware of my own situation. Might not for you but I'm just speaking from my own experience and I don't think you have anything to lose right now I'm betting. All the best

Hopeless1985
Posts: 1
Joined: Sun Jan 20, 2019 4:08 am

Re: Nearly broken.

Postby Hopeless1985 » Sun Jan 20, 2019 4:29 am

I can relate in a similar way. But unfortunately I have no words of advice for you....I joined this forum hoping I may find some myself...
Anyhow, I've been with this girl for almost a year, we started living together 4 months ago. I lost my home so she wanted to help me. She is successful, she makes a lot more than I do & is very generous and loving. Anythjng I need she buys for me, even clothes, we also have a beautiful apartment in a nice area.
Unfortunately, due to my struggle with depression & suicidal thoughts/feelings we broke up earlier today. She just can't take it anymore. She doesn't know how to deal with it despite her best efforts.
She's the only girl I ever hoped to marry one day...

The point is, I understand how it feels to have pretty much everything you could ask for & still want to end it all. Thats the thing with depression, you can fight it with logic all day...but it still wins in the end

You definitely need to talk to your partner about your feelings. Internalizing those feelings will cause them to express themselves in other ways or explode out of you. Hopefully your partner values your feelings & is willing to try to understand & support you. I could not imagine trying to traverse the path alone....which is what I have to do somehow.....I don't want you or anyone to be in the same position as me...

SadBritishGirl
Posts: 2
Joined: Sat Jan 19, 2019 5:30 pm

Re: Nearly broken.

Postby SadBritishGirl » Sun Jan 20, 2019 6:11 am

Thanks for all your replies... things were really frosty between me and my partner this morning. He was pretty much ignoring me which always makes me feel anxious - I’m not the sort to have a row I just clam up so it makes the cycle just continue. Sometimes we can go days without a word it’s just awful.
I got up and took one of my tablets for depression then went back to bed. They always make me feel woozy.
I managed to tell my partner that I’m going to take them again. Basically it’s the best thing I could have done - just open up and talk. We ended up having a good chat and really opened up to each other, I had a good cry and he was really supportive. I was so frightened to tell him, but looking back it was silly really. I told him I feel like I need them because of my low moods and I feel like he will leave me because I’m pushing him away. He promises he will never leave me and I believe him. But I also feel like I WANT to continue with the medication at least for the time being.

lovingladyo4
Posts: 20
Joined: Mon May 22, 2017 9:06 am

Re: Nearly broken.

Postby lovingladyo4 » Tue Jan 22, 2019 9:54 am

As I read your posts here, I can't help but see glimpses of myself - specifically the wanting attention and feeling sad when meaningful conversation is deliberately withheld from you. I wonder if that is a part of your "Love Language". https://bit.ly/2FV1MiJ, wanting affirmations and quality interaction.

Relationships, positive or negative, have such an intense impact on people, and we can't help but size up our worth based on how others perceive our value. We come to conclusions about ourselves based on how others take the time to meet our needs and protect what we feel is important. I completely understand.

I would be curious - what are his arrangements for this relationship - convenience? Or does he have any intentions of taking your relationship to a deeper level where both your lives matter equally - where you are both committed in certain areas? I believe you owe it to yourself to gain a better understand of exactly what his intentions are and why he is so satisfied leaving you out.

This could easily be a trigger to your depression - hope deferred makes the heart sad. Unmet expectations dissolves hope.

Try setting up a "talk" date, where you can discuss these issues. Do this away from home, in an environment of peace, where conversation can flow a little easier. Men will do everything within their power to avoid confrontation or threats and will defend themselves to the "nth" degree, so calculate your words to make the conversation centered around "WE" instead of "I" or "you".

I hope some of this helps and always feel free to write back. God is on your side sweetie.

socalpoppy
Posts: 1
Joined: Tue Jan 22, 2019 4:35 pm

Re: Nearly broken.

Postby socalpoppy » Tue Jan 22, 2019 4:52 pm

I'm glad you've decided to start your medication again. If it was working, I would assume that it is meeting some physical need in your brain. In other words, if it is working, you probably need it. It is likely to help you overcome your suicidal thoughts, too. I've used antidepressants a few different times in my life and they were always very helpful to get me back on track, getting out of my depressed moods. It sounds like your OH likes the idea, too.

Some medication information: It usually takes about two weeks before you really notice any difference. The chemical in it needs to build up in your blood until it is at a high enough level to make a difference. So, taking one here and there might have made you feel better because you were doing something to help yourself, but it probably didn't make any chemical difference in your brain. I've always had my antidepressants prescribed to me through a psychiatrist. They know the most about how the medicines work for different types of depression. They talk about your physical symptoms and help change your medicine if something is going to work better for you. If you feel like you want more personalized attention on your depression, you can ask your GP to refer you to a psychiatrist. Therapists or counselors or psychologists are the ones that talk through problems and issues in your life.

You go, girl! Introduce him to your best self! It will make all the difference in the world.

RustyTavern
Posts: 58
Joined: Fri Jul 13, 2018 7:15 pm

Re: Nearly broken.

Postby RustyTavern » Wed Jan 23, 2019 1:01 pm

Symbiotic wrote:Alright. Maybe if I speak to the parts that I relate to it will help in some way.
Shutting people out is something I can share with you when I'm not being attended to. It has DESTROYED my relationships. I understand the punishing part. It was only when I pushed people away that I realized the destructive pattern.
You don't need a reason to be depressed. That's the cruel joke about it. It waits for no man or woman. In fact, one could argue that when things are good, is when it sets in the deepest. At least I can attest for myself in that. Some people find peace in struggle and so the lack thereof can have the opposite affect. Ever look back on your life and see when you were say, at your poorest, that maybe you were at your happiest? I've found that. It sounds like you sorta have everything and that can be debilitating in and of itself. I know it is for me.
It also sounds like you have axiety as well. I'm no medical practitioner unless having both makes me an expert lol. Have you researched that in any way?
I understand the getting in and driving away bit as I've been doing that myself all night. Running temporarily abates the misery but I've found it's always waiting when I get home. And putting things off tend to make them worse.
As far as for the dark thoughts, what can be said. It's why we are here isn't it? Trying to find understanding that we can have it all but want to throw it away? It's being tired of feeling I think. At some point we all wanna get off the emotional rollercoaster. You can only be shaken and jarred for so long before exhaustion sets in.
I'm in the same sinking vessel but writing this seems to help some. And I hope it did for you as well. Regardless, I don't have any answers. Just another person on the other side of the world trying to figure it out. I do know this though, you gotta let your partner know. Every time I was afraid to share but did, it resulted in positive changes. Even if they were temporary. It made me more aware of my own situation. Might not for you but I'm just speaking from my own experience and I don't think you have anything to lose right now I'm betting. All the best


You can decide whether you can communicate with the OH or not.
If no comms revert to suspenders etc.
You clearlly need to ditch the anti-depressants and find a fun hobby.


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