Introductions and welcomes.
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Something is wrong with me. I know this a website for people with depression, so I'm sorry if this is offensive or taken as rude. I just don't have anyone to talk to and I know something is really really wrong. I can't recognize myself anymore. Nothing I say or do feels like it's something I would choose to do. It's almost like I'm watching myself go through life, but I'm not actually connected to any of it. I want to feel sad. I used to just feel really sad. That was hard, but I wish it was like that again. I don't really feel anything anymore. I don't know how to explain it, but it's like I know what I should/want to feel but the feelings either never come or are just paled comparisons to what I remeber feeling was like. I thought maybe I just wasn't as sensitve as I used to be, but it's become unbearable. Life feels so empty without feeling things. I've been making deciscions that I know I used to would've never made. I hurt people. I use them. Part of me knows that I'm just hoping that one of the men I see will make me feel all of that stuff that comes with intimate human connection. That's powerful stuff. I remember it, but even the memory doesn't make me feel anything. I hurt someone that really cares about me. I watched him cry because I broke his heart and it only made me feel slightly uncomfortable and in the past the very thought of bothering someone was enough to keep me awake at night and make my anxiety flare up. I just can't feel remorse. Well, I can, but it's so faint that it's not enough to make a difference in the moment. I used to think anxiety was going to ruin my life. Prevent me from really living life. But now I can't even feel that really. Anxiety requires you to care at least a little bit about anything and I can't anymore. Nothing good, bad , sad, or scary makes me feel like I'm even having a human experience. I think I just want to feel bad, becuase that's something I could at least recognize. so I keep escalating everything. I can't remeber the last day I was sober in any kind of fashion for more than a few hours. I don't do that to cover stuff up, but it breaks the absolute monotany of the nothingness that weighs on me every single day now. I've done so much regrettable stuff and I don't think I can come back from any of it. I used to be a good person. Now I don't even feel like a person. I'm scared. I can't even remember the first day I felt like this. But I don't want to be like this anymore. I want to feel like I'm living life and not like I'm just acting out the part of the person I remeber being. I want to laugh and mean it. I want to stop trying to fill this empty nothingness with any shit that will alter my mind for a night. I think maybe I've lost my mind. I don't know if this is depression or something else. I don't know what happened to me or how I got here. I mean my mental health has never really been in a great place, but I've always managed to deal with it and still enjoy at least some moments of life. Now I don't enjoy any of it. I don't hate it either. It's just doing what I know I'm supposed to because that's just the thing to do I guess. I don't know who I am anymore. I've lost whatever it was that made me....me. there's no light inside. no spark. im scared one day ill do something really bad in an attempt to feel like im alive. I wouldn't do anything with the intention of being harmed but I also dont think id care much about the results anyway if things stay like this. but i dont think anyone even notices the difference in me. maybe im a good actress. who knows? anyways, its ok if there arent replies but I hope you let me put this out into the world so I know that my words are out there somewhere and not locked up inside me forever. I've been trying to write this all down for weeks because I used to love writing all the shit in my head down. It was a great release. but how do you transcribe nothingness in a way that could ever really capture how it feels? This doesn't even really explain it. If anyone knows what this is like, please let me know. I don't want to give up, but I don't know anyone that struggles like this and I don't really care to try and explain it to anyone who can't understand it. That's just like placing a weight on someone that they don't deserve unless they've already felt it for themselves I guess (not than anyone deserves it but I hope you get what I'm trying to say) thank you. for all of you out there who are hurting, or are as numb as I am, I hope you all kind find your way back. Warmest regards, s
I am glad you reached out here. I can relate to the feeling of nothingness. It is a horrible feeling. I think what happens is when you struggle with anxiety and depression for so long our mind wants to shut down to stop all the painful thoughts and feelings. The good news is you can feel better. I had to learn to give myself a break and not put myself down for my feeling or lack of feeling. Then it is important for you to seek professional help. Have you ever seen anyone for your anxiety and depression? The right medication and counseling helps with the healing process and feeling like yourself again. I did a lot of praying too. I don't know if you believe in God, but for me He was the answer. I had to let go of myself and let Him be in control of my life. It gave me such peace and comfort to know I don't have to be in control and that He loves and cares for me. I now look forward to each day and enjoy my life. I find things that bring me joy, like taking walks and listening to uplifting Christian music. I also enjoy long drives by myself and listen to music and pray. I will be praying that you get the help you need and that you start feeling well. I am here for you if you need to chat. Pm me too if you are interested in an online Christian counseling group that does a free consult and will provide guidance to the next step in getting the right help. Lots of hugs to you my friend. God Bless.
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