One lonely child

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jtaylor94
Posts: 3
Joined: Thu Mar 08, 2018 7:39 pm

One lonely child

Postby jtaylor94 » Thu Mar 08, 2018 8:14 pm

That title just sounds clever and pompous, apologies. I had the best childhood. Adulthood however, different story.
Tonight like most nights I sit angry at my mom. Quick look into my family tree - so there's mom and dad. Dad comes from a big family, he's one of nine with an Irish daddy so too many people to count over there, they live everywhere and meet up for big parties etc. I love my dad and he's always been the best anyone could ask for, right now I live in his apartment with my cat and no rent expected from me (perfect world, right?) But he was never a great partner (parents never married) and things fell apart for mom and dad.
Flip over to moms side. There is Nan and grandad (basically helped raise me and have never lived further than two streets away my entire life). They had mom. That's it. No aunties and uncles. Then my mom had me. That's it. No siblings for me either.
I cannot express enough the burden this puts on my life. Every single life decision I make is backed up with the thought "but what does that look like for mom? Will she announce that to friends. Oh god I failed uni that's embarrassing for MOM. Oh god I can't find a job, how will MOM tell her friends." I can't remember the last time I felt any emotion for me, everything is for her. Because I love her. And that's a burden. Because I'm the only shot she's got. So I can't fail. It makes her look bad.
I hate myself because my Nan and grandad can't boast about me at all. Neither can mom. They're educated successful people and they don't get multiple shots at reflecting that in their parenting. They get one. Me. I can't get better because it's never for me, every attempt is for them and every failure is another blow to their reputation. I carry that every day.
So I'm angry with her for not having more children. My dad has two others, although he doesn't speak to them the wonder of social media means he can see his grandchildren and their lives from afar. My mom doesn't have that and I know I'm the first and last thing she thinks of everyday. And that's all I ever ever ever think about.
If I had siblings my failures would be my own, okay I might feel crap if they do better but at least I wouldn't have to worry about mom so much. I could rest easy knowing someone had done her proud and get on with my decisions for me.
BUT I can also say if I had siblings I wouldn't be alive today, fact. For those exact reasons, that she would have someone to lean on, another chance, life could go on. But i dont, and If I went through what I want to do she would follow suit. I know it. And so she's also the reason I'm alive. But that, in turn, makes me angry. Even that decision isn't mine it's hers, I can't do that to her and I have to continue to be miserable on this god forsaken planet because she chose to have one child.
It also means to give her grandchildren only I can do that. One huge life changing decision is already made because I know she dreams of that and I can't deny her it.

Her name is Tracey Elizabeth and I love and hate her for everything she means to me. Talk about burdens
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If you've read all of that I am beyond grateful, I have needed a space to write that for a long time. Thank you.

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