This is where I am now

Introductions and welcomes.

Moderators: windsong, cj-, BlueGobi, Moderators, Frame

User avatar
Beth F
Posts: 12
Joined: Thu Feb 08, 2018 4:29 pm

This is where I am now

Postby Beth F » Tue Feb 13, 2018 4:50 pm

Hi, this is about my third attempt to write an introduction...my brain can't seem to find the right words. I've lived with depression in varying degrees as long as I can remember, as well as generalized anxiety and PTSD. I've been through years of therapy, have learned coping skills and practice self-care as best I can. I don't go the anti-depressant route anymore because I've had so many awful reactions to them. For the most part I was doing well until a couple years ago when I started slowly developing agoraphobia and an increase in depression. I'm pretty sure what's triggered some of it, and it would sound pathetic if I explained. But I do the best I can each day, I suppose.

Really I don't have anything major to complain about in life. I do part-time work at home, have a great husband who understands me well, two adult sons who seem pretty happy with their lives, and a sweet, playful dog. My relationship with my sons is great and we keep in touch on a regular basis (they both live in different states). I have interests and hobbies that keep me engaged, although it's been really difficult to focus on them lately because of the depression and increased anxiety.

Okay, I'll just come out and say it. I often find that I can't wait for the end of the day. Not necessarily the quiet evenings which I typically love, but for the day to just be over. Which is sad, because I know that time is precious. Too many people I've known have passed away over the last few years and it makes me appreciate life even more, yet feel increasingly guilty because I feel I'm squandering my life away. It's very hard to get up in the morning, get dressed and face the day...but I do. I feel such an intense loneliness that sometimes it physically hurts. I know I'm not alone in these feelings and I'm thankful I've found a place where feelings such as these can be safely and openly shared. Thank you all for listening.

User avatar
Olive
Posts: 24
Joined: Sat Feb 03, 2018 7:36 pm
Location: Buffalo NY

Re: This is where I am now

Postby Olive » Tue Feb 13, 2018 10:38 pm

Thanks for sharing, Beth ^.^

I hope I can prove as resilient as you :)
~Olive

kvolm2016
Posts: 3
Joined: Wed Feb 14, 2018 10:22 pm

Re: This is where I am now

Postby kvolm2016 » Thu Feb 15, 2018 12:24 am

These forums are a great place to be able to share honestly and know that all of us can understand and relate in some manner. It sounds like your work, your relationships with your husband and sons, caring for your dog and your hobbies/interests are definitely productive and filling your days. I certainly wouldn't equate all this to a squandered life. I appreciate that you recognize that life is precious. I think that does weigh on us a bit more heavily as we age ourselves and deal more frequently with the deaths of family and friends. I am in the same stage of life and I know that there is relief in laying my head down on the pillow at night so all the thoughts can wind down and come to a close for the day. I hope this will help to let go of some of that guilty feeling! How does the loneliness manifest itself in pain?

nightingale77
Posts: 28
Joined: Thu Aug 10, 2017 2:48 am

Re: This is where I am now

Postby nightingale77 » Thu Feb 15, 2018 7:48 am

Hi there, I totally get what you mean.. It’s as though you are broken one moment, fixed that all up only to find yourself broken again. I can understand how tiring and dark it gets. Truly, depression struck anyone, good and kind people - anyone. You could be having the best things in life, a group of suppportive friends and family and yet depression will just come alongside with you and decided to stay for good. But you what? Depression like most things in life is also temporary. I know you have been through therapies or meds and you feel that nothing seems to work. And you have a good set of coping skills that you can apply. On the upside of thing is that you are well equipped (therapies, coping skills and all) which is very positive. Yes you have days that you are fallen back in the dark hole but you will be able crawl right back out from that hole and live another day. Coping and taking baby steps each day is not wasting time. It’s a day of self discovery, a day of triumph and a day well fought! Keep fighting and press on! We are here to journey with you. Keeping you in my prayer. God bless!

User avatar
Beth F
Posts: 12
Joined: Thu Feb 08, 2018 4:29 pm

Re: This is where I am now

Postby Beth F » Sun Feb 18, 2018 3:16 pm

kvolm2016 wrote:How does the loneliness manifest itself in pain?


It feels like an achy, heaviness in my heart, sometimes my entire body...the way grief can feel. Depression can feel this way too, but I seem to feel this most often I'm aware of the loneliness. I need to keep working on the releasing of guilt, that's another thing I struggle with. And guilt can be very self-defeating.

User avatar
Beth F
Posts: 12
Joined: Thu Feb 08, 2018 4:29 pm

Re: This is where I am now

Postby Beth F » Sun Feb 18, 2018 3:18 pm

Thank you nightingale77 and Olive for the welcome and words of encouragement.

kvolm2016
Posts: 3
Joined: Wed Feb 14, 2018 10:22 pm

Re: This is where I am now

Postby kvolm2016 » Wed Feb 21, 2018 1:11 am

UGH yes, releasing the guilt. Our mind can forget any number of useful things but is so quick to recall that which we wish we didn't. I know I have had to learn to separate guilt, shame, disapproval, disappointment. I have come back to this series of articles a few times. http://bit.ly/2Ccevwl Maybe there is something of interest for you as well.


Return to “New Member Introductions”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: Majestic-12 [Bot] and 6 guests