I can't breathe

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Joined: Sat Nov 25, 2017 1:25 pm

I can't breathe

Postby Rapunzel'sTower » Sat Nov 25, 2017 1:59 pm

My name is Julia, I'm 23 and trying to get through every hour. Ever since I can remember, not a day goes by where multiple songs haven't been weaving themselves together inside my brain. I've never really been able to fully focus on anything because of this happening. At parties, it's like I'm not there because I feel like I'm watching it from a one-way glass, figuring out how to put what I'm seeing to lyrics rather than be a part of it. This used to be a good thing, an escape from the torment of not fitting into the world. I used to think it was beautiful and it gave my life joy and passion, but as I get older and learn that you can't be a songwriter unless you're rich, have connections, or are one in a million... My life has become Hell. These songs I once welcomed into my head now feel like intruders, invading my every minute. I used to write to escape the world... Well now, writing itself hurts because I know no one will ever hear what my words. This means that the very thing that distracted me from pain GIVES me pain... So now there's no more joy in my life. No escape. What was once a gift has transformed into a curse.

I met a producer/manager who made all these promises to me. I traveled around the country with him, thinking all my dreams were coming true... But it ended up that he took all my money and and didn't do anything he said he was going to do, like send my songs to labels etc. Now, I have nothing. I don't belong anywhere but in a songwriting setting, and I'm not allowed to be there either. Food has no taste now. Movies have no entertainment. Music has no sound. I feel like I was born with gills and forced to live on land. I can't breathe this air.

Here's a link to my YouTube channel with over 60 (which is not even one-tenth of my total songs) low-quality homemade demos just so you know I'm telling the truth. This isn't a plug for myself, you don't have to look if you don't to. I just want to prove I'm being honest.

I want to end my life so badly because it's just unbearable to know what you're meant to do but to have absolutely no chance. But I can't, because it would hurt my family... And I could never ever hurt them. I have to stay for them. Their happiness and peace of mind is more important than mine. Some people have it way worse, I know. But I can't even begin to describe what it feels like to have only one thing in the whole world give you joy, only ONE THING, but it's impossible to pursue. I have no future. I can't breathe.

I guess I'll just show you guys my latest song because it's so incredibly close to my heart and the best way to describe how I'm feeling. Being sad is just a part of who I am now, it's just a fact, and it deviates from the norm if I'm ever NOT sad. I wrote it about having to re-explain "what's wrong" to people when I can't constantly put on a happy mask. Living the life of a sad person is foreign to a lot of people, and requires constant explanation, which I'm too tired to give. It's hard enough I have to BE empty, let alone pretend I'm not to keep others comfortable. You're welcome to listen and see if you relate, but if not, that's totally fine.


Honestly, I've been so invisible for so long that I doubt anyone will even read this. Nobody ever answers me, nobody ever listens. People always just assume I'm trying to spam them rather than pour out my true heart. I can't tell you how many unanswered cries for help, ignored attempts to show people what I love, have happened in the last decade. Do I even exist? I don't have any friends to talk to and I never make any, so I doubt any "friends" will come from this. I'm typing for myself, I suppose. Which still means I have no friends, because I'm no friend to me.

I wish I didn't love what I love. I wish lyrics and melodies would leave me alone so I can be normal in this uncompassionate world. I could tell you so much more about my lamentations than this summary, but what's the point in writing a novel no one will read? People have their own problems. Nobody cares.

If you read all this, I can't thank you enough. I can honestly say you're rare and special. I can honestly say you give me hope.

Posts: 7
Joined: Tue Sep 05, 2017 6:42 pm
Location: uk

Re: I can't breathe

Postby deadsoull » Mon Nov 27, 2017 5:54 pm

Hi Julia,
I’ve listened to your songs and you should not be putting your self down for being this talented. You can tell by listening to your songs that they come from your heart. Rediscover what you once loved because it is no bad thing or find something else to love. Keep trying and never give up. Put yourself out there send people your songs and music and hopefully one day you’ll get something in return. Keep practicing and improve on everything you already have. I believe in you so believe in yourself. I hope you find your way and keep going.

Love Soull XOXO

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