Need some advice

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Undertow
Posts: 2
Joined: Sun Nov 05, 2017 5:22 pm

Need some advice

Postby Undertow » Sun Nov 05, 2017 6:01 pm

Hi (this is my first time on one of these),
After years of hiding my feelings I finally opened up to my mum.

4 months ago I was diagnosed with depression and given tablets that still aren't working. I'm now on Citalopram 30mg.

There's a lot going on in my life right now. 2 weeks ago my doctor told me I might have borderline personality disorder. My Great Uncle died last week but he was more like my Granddad. I've failed my driving test twice and have my next test tomorrow. I'm in my last year of study at sixth form and preparing for Uni. I hate myself. I'm scared and nervous all the time. I cry almost every night. I'm so stressed out right now. It's Christmas soon and I haven't got any money left from my driving. As well as my driving test tomorrow it's my Uncles funeral.

My other worry is my Dad. So long story short, my mum left Dad when I was 2 because he was horrible to her and my brothers. He took Mum to court and she won (thank god). The deal was every month he would drive to Lincoln to visit me and every month Mum would drive to Essex so I could visit, so I could see him every 2 weeks. Instead Mum drove me to Essex every single month no matter what so I could see him. He didn't try once. Even when my mum was pregnant and even when my baby sister was really ill she would take me. She has never said a bad word about him, but I have heard things from other people. I never liked seeing him even when I was little. He scares me still. I'm 18 now and haven't seen him in 3 years. He never used to call me, but now that his second wife left and so has my brothers, he calls me a lot. He has never paid maintenance and has never bought me anything, not even a birthday card. All of this and he still says he loves me? I don't want anything to do with him. He is like a stranger to me and I can't understand him. I thought that I could just not answer the phone when he calls but I'm worried he might kidnap me (he's tried it before when I was younger) or that he'll blame mum or something like that. I don't know what to do because he thinks I love him but I don't and never have and I don't want him to be a part of my life. Just because he is the man that gave the sperm to create me doesn't make him my father. It takes more than blood to call yourself a parent.

I don't know what I'm going to do if I fail my driving test tomorrow, and its going to be hard day for my family. Can anyone give me any solutions or advice?

Thanks for reading my worries,
Undertow

Imnothere
Posts: 19
Joined: Sat Sep 09, 2017 9:58 am

Re: Need some advice

Postby Imnothere » Mon Nov 06, 2017 12:29 am

Hi Undertow,

Sorry to see you go through all these problems.

If you think your med is not working, feel free to discuss with your doctor. There is no universal prescription for everyone, and your doctor will want to know if you need something else to help you. This can be a long, tiring process, and there will be times when you feel frustrated, like nothing's ever going to work. I'm speaking from experience because I've been under medication for like 6 years, and in retrospect, things have been getting better little by little. The changes might not be perceivable in a few months, but when I compare what I am today with myself 6 years ago, I could say I did get better. My doctor used to say, "Give yourself some more time. A patient needs to be patient."

Regarding the driving test, if it's any comfort, I failed 3 times because of panic attacks. I think some people, like us, are just more prone to feeling nervous. That's part of us being us. My friend suggested doing stretches and deep, long breaths, which eventually worked. You might want to give it a try if you haven't already.

As for the family thing, I suggest you talk to a counselor. Family hurts more than anyone and anything, and I believe a counselor can help you develop some healthy coping strategies in the long run. Can your doctor refer you to a counselor? Is there an NGO (like YMCA) in your area that offers free counseling? In the mean time, if you are concerned for your safety, discuss with your mother about relocating. You have turned 18, you don't owe your biological father anything, it's perfectly okay to estrange him if he is toxic. I also recommend a great book, The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker. It addresses various types of violence in insightful details and provides useful advice.

Wish you safe and well.

Undertow
Posts: 2
Joined: Sun Nov 05, 2017 5:22 pm

Re: Need some advice

Postby Undertow » Mon Nov 06, 2017 4:11 pm

Hello,

So I passed my driving test for the third time today like you. I don't know how I passed since I fell to pieces after seeing the hearse while I was driving. I only got 2 minors as well. I missed the funeral but I managed to attend the wake afterwards. I'm glad I could help send him off and celebrate him.

I like the saying "a patient needs to be patient." I agree I think the pills need a lot more time. I'm also supposed to be having a letter to say whether I'm going to have counselling, I'll try talking to them about my dad if I get to see them, although I don't want them to push me to doing something. I'm definitely going to read The Gift of Fear so thank you for the suggestion.

Thanks for the reply. Just talking and having someone listen has comforted me.

Undertow

Imnothere
Posts: 19
Joined: Sat Sep 09, 2017 9:58 am

Re: Need some advice

Postby Imnothere » Tue Nov 07, 2017 3:32 am

You're welcome. I'm glad you passed the test and got to celebrate the one who means so much to you.

A well-trained counselor would likely never push you into doing anything. They would ask lots of questions, like what do you think about this, how do you feel about that, what do you think you would do, etc., because a counselor's job is to help you figure out answers, rather than providing them. They would also offer some tips on certain issues. It is possible that after a few sessions, you still don't feel comfortable around this counselor, and in this case you have every right to see another one. Sometimes it takes a few trials to find the counselor that "clicks."

Peace and health to you and the ones you love.

blessedby4
Posts: 9
Joined: Mon Jul 31, 2017 7:00 pm

Re: Need some advice

Postby blessedby4 » Tue Nov 07, 2017 8:26 pm

Anytime we hold someone to expectations, we are bound to be let down. Having been let down by your dad times, it makes sense why you would be hurt. But you may not want to live with that hurt. Living with pain, can cause you a lot of misery, difficulty and unsettledness. I don’t know if you have a faith system but this Bible verse made much sense, God is love. I have found when I give God my hurts and pain, He replaces it with love.
As a young man, it is likely you may have other hurts throughout your life. It is difficult enough to manage emotions of all kinds. Someone once that emotions are temporary and should not be used to make permanent decisions. Whenever I have feelings and emotions that leave disheveled, off-centered, depressed and unable to make even simple decisions, I recall what it says in the Bible: Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.
When I do that, those hurtful, unmanageable feelings dissipate in moments.


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