Don’t know what to do
Posted: Sun Nov 05, 2017 1:41 pm
I am a 38-year-old married mother of 2. My husband and I have been married 18 years, kids are boys- 9 & 18. The oldest recently graduated from high school. We have a home, two dogs and a cat. I have family who loves me.
But I hate myself. Hate. Not dislike. Hate. I look at myself in the morning and see an ungrateful, horrible witch who just makes those around her miserable. I’m toxic. And I can’t stop telling myself that I have no reason to be like this. There are so many people in horrible situations- what right do I have? Why can’t I make it stop? Why can’t I just tell myself to get over it? I am so disgusted with myself and I feel so guilty for putting my family through this. I always thought I was strong and I WAS strong. Now I’m so ashamed because I am so weak.
I have been depressed on and off for about 20 years. It runs rampant through the maternal side of my family. I’ve been on meds. I know what it’s like. It was at least 10 years ago, but this is different.
I’m angry. So very angry. And I have great difficulty controlling it. I’m paranoid. I don’t want to leave the house. I can go from being 0 (okay) to 10 (full on crying, can’t get out of bed) in minutes. It’s affecting my husband and it’s affecting my kids.
I manage a medical practice and the doc has me on Lamictal, Wellbutrin, & Klonopin. It’s not helping. In fact, I’m getting worse.
Every day all I think about are the mistakes I’ve made, the negative impact I’ve had on those I love and the guilt associated with that, the disgust I feel for myself that I can’t make it stop, and the terror that nothing is going to help. I just want to stop hurting. I want my family to be happy. I just want to go away so I can’t hurt them anymore.
I’ve seen a psychologist who dismissed me with a DX of MDD. His advice was to see a psychiatrist. I do have an appointment coming up and I’m terrified. What if nothing works? What if I’m like this forever?
But I hate myself. Hate. Not dislike. Hate. I look at myself in the morning and see an ungrateful, horrible witch who just makes those around her miserable. I’m toxic. And I can’t stop telling myself that I have no reason to be like this. There are so many people in horrible situations- what right do I have? Why can’t I make it stop? Why can’t I just tell myself to get over it? I am so disgusted with myself and I feel so guilty for putting my family through this. I always thought I was strong and I WAS strong. Now I’m so ashamed because I am so weak.
I have been depressed on and off for about 20 years. It runs rampant through the maternal side of my family. I’ve been on meds. I know what it’s like. It was at least 10 years ago, but this is different.
I’m angry. So very angry. And I have great difficulty controlling it. I’m paranoid. I don’t want to leave the house. I can go from being 0 (okay) to 10 (full on crying, can’t get out of bed) in minutes. It’s affecting my husband and it’s affecting my kids.
I manage a medical practice and the doc has me on Lamictal, Wellbutrin, & Klonopin. It’s not helping. In fact, I’m getting worse.
Every day all I think about are the mistakes I’ve made, the negative impact I’ve had on those I love and the guilt associated with that, the disgust I feel for myself that I can’t make it stop, and the terror that nothing is going to help. I just want to stop hurting. I want my family to be happy. I just want to go away so I can’t hurt them anymore.
I’ve seen a psychologist who dismissed me with a DX of MDD. His advice was to see a psychiatrist. I do have an appointment coming up and I’m terrified. What if nothing works? What if I’m like this forever?