Don’t know what to do

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jojotsez
Posts: 1
Joined: Sun Nov 05, 2017 1:12 pm

Don’t know what to do

Postby jojotsez » Sun Nov 05, 2017 1:41 pm

I am a 38-year-old married mother of 2. My husband and I have been married 18 years, kids are boys- 9 & 18. The oldest recently graduated from high school. We have a home, two dogs and a cat. I have family who loves me.

But I hate myself. Hate. Not dislike. Hate. I look at myself in the morning and see an ungrateful, horrible witch who just makes those around her miserable. I’m toxic. And I can’t stop telling myself that I have no reason to be like this. There are so many people in horrible situations- what right do I have? Why can’t I make it stop? Why can’t I just tell myself to get over it? I am so disgusted with myself and I feel so guilty for putting my family through this. I always thought I was strong and I WAS strong. Now I’m so ashamed because I am so weak.

I have been depressed on and off for about 20 years. It runs rampant through the maternal side of my family. I’ve been on meds. I know what it’s like. It was at least 10 years ago, but this is different.

I’m angry. So very angry. And I have great difficulty controlling it. I’m paranoid. I don’t want to leave the house. I can go from being 0 (okay) to 10 (full on crying, can’t get out of bed) in minutes. It’s affecting my husband and it’s affecting my kids.

I manage a medical practice and the doc has me on Lamictal, Wellbutrin, & Klonopin. It’s not helping. In fact, I’m getting worse.

Every day all I think about are the mistakes I’ve made, the negative impact I’ve had on those I love and the guilt associated with that, the disgust I feel for myself that I can’t make it stop, and the terror that nothing is going to help. I just want to stop hurting. I want my family to be happy. I just want to go away so I can’t hurt them anymore.

I’ve seen a psychologist who dismissed me with a DX of MDD. His advice was to see a psychiatrist. I do have an appointment coming up and I’m terrified. What if nothing works? What if I’m like this forever?

Suzi
Posts: 30
Joined: Tue Jun 06, 2017 9:33 am

Re: Don’t know what to do

Postby Suzi » Mon Nov 06, 2017 11:00 am

@jojotsez, so sorry for your pain. Why do you hate yourself so much? I read a book recently called "Rethink How You Think" by D. Stoop and another called Change Your Brain Change Your Life by D. Amen. Those books transformed by life. They taught me that I was becoming the person I was afraid I was going to become. When I stopped telling myself lies about what a horrible person I was and that nobody loves me and that I don't deserve to be loved, then I started to feel better. What I didn't realize before reading those books is that emotions follow thinking. You really do become what you think. It's not magic or some kind of mind games, it's just fact. And why do you think you are so much worse than the rest of us? No human is perfect. We all screw up - everyday! Don't be so hard on yourself. I don't know if you ever thought about this but God created you and put you here for a reason. He loves you so much more than you could ever imagine - not because you deserve it - just because love is His nature. That's who He is and what He does. I would also recommend that you get a Bible and find the Psalms and just start reading them. They are filled with affirmations of God's love and care. Saying a prayer that you begin to see yourself as valuable and worthy of love.

Suzi
Posts: 30
Joined: Tue Jun 06, 2017 9:33 am

Re: Don’t know what to do

Postby Suzi » Mon Nov 20, 2017 11:29 am

@jojotsez, how are you doing?


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