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Okay. I don't want to rant. But i might, because I need to say get these feelings out.. even if just on a computer. I feel extremely depressed and sad, mostly because of one thing that always makes me sad.. and a few other things as well. I'm a 20 year old male college student, I'm gay and I work part time in retail. I've never had a boyfriend, I've never kissed anyone, and I've never been on a date. Since I was a teenager, I've always been close to my mom, as we are a single parent-single child household. I've always done everything with her. Every movie I see, food place I try, knotts berry farm, Disneyland, with her and only her. Despite the fact that I make friends at all my work and extracurricular type of places, I never get close with anyone on a level of where I get invited to anything. She's really the only one I text or anything like that. I love her, but it had been this way since I was 14, and now I'm 20, in college, Working, with people calling me "likeable", yet I go with her everywhere seeing groups of friends and young couples. That hurts. The lack of intimacy also hurts. I've only had one sexual encounter, and I hated it it was with a guy on Grindr who used very deceiving photos, I'm so glad i didn't kiss him. At least he didn't take that from my dream list. But that is something I won't do again... Anyhow, every year I've said since I was 13/14ish, I'm going to get a boyfriend this year. Yep. This is the year. Flash forward your years, and I've downgraded to this will be the year I go on a date, anyways, flash to now, age 20, no kiss, no date, no boyfriend. Whats worst is having crushes. Nothing triggers weeks long depression more than having a crush. Everytime I know that I'm not their type, not right for them, eh. I try to say hi or whatever but I'm always shy. Anyways this week, a really cute new gay guy started working at my place, in my area. And now I'm sad again. Why do cute guys have to exist, they make me so happy and sad at the same time. I know he won't like me, he's cute and everything, but I don't think I am. Just another person to look at and feel sad about. It really gets to me after a while.. why feelings are never reciprocated. I wonder what it is that breaks the deal for everyone. Anyhow, I think my sexuality is the biggest problem for me. Other gay guys just don't like me. Women have hit on me for years. A girl at my work sweetly asked me to a movie about a month ago. They always say ahh your tall and handsome. Lol thanks, to bad about my big tummy lol. I'm not like, obese or super fat, but I am very stocky. I'm a big and tall type who people call "handsome". This might be good enough for women, but I think most gay men just want the small cute twink-ish types, or muscle dudes. That's what my age range wants. And I won't lie, I like younger as well, because I'm young myself and i just have normal taste I guess. Anyhow, this new guy at work is super cute, sweet and despite being friendly the first few times I met him, is already distancing himself. I guess I tried to talk to him to much. At least I'm trying. I'm normally very shy but I've been making alot of friends at school and stuff lately. Never close, but still lots of nice "oh hi so and so" types of friendships. Lots of "how are you!".. "good!" lol fake it till you make it. I sometimes wish I was asexual. It will be another year in 2 months. Full of hope. Full of November bummers. This time of year always sucks for me when it comes to sadness. My depression literally has cycles at this point. I just wish I couldent have feelings for people. I wish I didn't think people were cute, or even worse, this thriving imagination that literally makes up the nicest stories with people I like in my head, only for me to snap out of it and realize what the situation really is like. There are a million other issues too, that I won't get into. Being a single-parent and child family not close with any other family members, holidays are just pretty sad in general, but this is what hurts me the most. I'm scared to see how long this is, but I needed to say it.
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