Someone talk to me please
Posted: Thu Nov 02, 2017 1:28 am
So basically all my relationships never lasted for a month. The highest it lasted was 3 months. All of them all the time “you will find the one” or “find someone better” well I been trying and trying and nothing works. All the relationships were online. Never been kissed or nothing. My last relationship recently has the most impact right now because I was in love with her. She was a poly which is dating multiple people. So I’m like” ya ok whatever makes you happy”. So we talked and talked and there were promises of being with each other and visiting me. It’s like she could give everything I ever wanted. You see, I have a overbearing mom who will not let me live the life I want if I stay with her. The person I loved was like a key to freedom and happiness. But she broke up with me because she wanted to make her other girls friends happy but still states that she likes me. How can someone do that? We had a special bond that we both agreed was true. Yet still I’m thrown back into the fog of despair and loneliness. So I’m trying out dating sites which people just ghosting me on. It’s becoming harder everyday to cope with this feeling. I been depressed all of my life. Never felt true happiness or anything. I fake smile and every time I take a picture I look dead inside.
Here are two poems I wrote a long time ago which better explains my situation.
UNWANTED
i hate thinking this feeling, the feeling i have every day. I want to go away to heaven. Maybe hell if i even kill myself. I'll be gone in a quick minute. No one will miss me, nor would they care. I hate going to school everyday because i know no one is gonna talk to me, and even have a decent conversation. I hate being unwanted, I don't want to feel this way. I can't help the fact i'm shy. It's just the way i was born. Why was i even born? My soul should have stayed in heaven, not here. Give me a gun already, and end my life. No one will ever care for me like they should. If people don't want me here, why be here? i was born for no reason . Just a accident, a worthless being, a useless, the same damn song a sing everyday. Why are you afraid to come up to me, and say a word or more. Have a conversation with me i wouldn't mind, it would be nice to feel wanted. But no, that never happens. They talk but not include me. I'm not jealous, just angry. Are you really trying to make me leave. I will if this keeps happening. I feel so alone here. Why even hate me? for what? for what i do? that shouldn't be the reason to make me rot. I can't take it anymore. I'm about to grab a knife and crave into my arm and write "I HATE ME". Please save me. I'm on the edge of hell, I'm about to fall into the fire.
RAGE
Sometimes i wonder what is my purpose in life. Sometimes i think i have no purpose, i don't really. Over the years i been trying to hold on. To every piece of sanity i have. Many people just stare at me when i stare at them. Why can't they see my pain? Because no one cares. People are so confusing. They hate me when they see me and the way i act. I try so hard to help everyone. But no i just get ignoring stares. I wanna die today, not tomorrow, not the next day, not next month, now. I wish they could see me, I'm blind to them, as i'm disappearing. Everyday i want more friends. I want people to actually to talk to me and be my friend. I mostly blame myself for every mistake i make, and now i hate myself and tell myself I'm worthless,ugly,dumb,and a deformed child that needs to die. No one would miss me, i'll just be a headline for one day and forgotten the next. I am slowly dying everyday, give me a hug and make me feel better, become my friend so i wont feel alone, save me so i won't fall into the darkness. Most of this people don't do. That's why i'm sad. I wanna leave. so much grey hairs i have, but not enough hope. i lost that years ago. i'm too shy to even speak to someone, but if i even try i mess up, and end up having the person think i'm weird. Which i'm not, i'm a nice person. But not for long for i am slowly becoming the darkness. Because of all this RAGE.
Here are two poems I wrote a long time ago which better explains my situation.
UNWANTED
i hate thinking this feeling, the feeling i have every day. I want to go away to heaven. Maybe hell if i even kill myself. I'll be gone in a quick minute. No one will miss me, nor would they care. I hate going to school everyday because i know no one is gonna talk to me, and even have a decent conversation. I hate being unwanted, I don't want to feel this way. I can't help the fact i'm shy. It's just the way i was born. Why was i even born? My soul should have stayed in heaven, not here. Give me a gun already, and end my life. No one will ever care for me like they should. If people don't want me here, why be here? i was born for no reason . Just a accident, a worthless being, a useless, the same damn song a sing everyday. Why are you afraid to come up to me, and say a word or more. Have a conversation with me i wouldn't mind, it would be nice to feel wanted. But no, that never happens. They talk but not include me. I'm not jealous, just angry. Are you really trying to make me leave. I will if this keeps happening. I feel so alone here. Why even hate me? for what? for what i do? that shouldn't be the reason to make me rot. I can't take it anymore. I'm about to grab a knife and crave into my arm and write "I HATE ME". Please save me. I'm on the edge of hell, I'm about to fall into the fire.
RAGE
Sometimes i wonder what is my purpose in life. Sometimes i think i have no purpose, i don't really. Over the years i been trying to hold on. To every piece of sanity i have. Many people just stare at me when i stare at them. Why can't they see my pain? Because no one cares. People are so confusing. They hate me when they see me and the way i act. I try so hard to help everyone. But no i just get ignoring stares. I wanna die today, not tomorrow, not the next day, not next month, now. I wish they could see me, I'm blind to them, as i'm disappearing. Everyday i want more friends. I want people to actually to talk to me and be my friend. I mostly blame myself for every mistake i make, and now i hate myself and tell myself I'm worthless,ugly,dumb,and a deformed child that needs to die. No one would miss me, i'll just be a headline for one day and forgotten the next. I am slowly dying everyday, give me a hug and make me feel better, become my friend so i wont feel alone, save me so i won't fall into the darkness. Most of this people don't do. That's why i'm sad. I wanna leave. so much grey hairs i have, but not enough hope. i lost that years ago. i'm too shy to even speak to someone, but if i even try i mess up, and end up having the person think i'm weird. Which i'm not, i'm a nice person. But not for long for i am slowly becoming the darkness. Because of all this RAGE.