New to forum, not to depression.

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Jmax84
Posts: 2
Joined: Wed Nov 01, 2017 4:46 am

New to forum, not to depression.

Postby Jmax84 » Wed Nov 01, 2017 5:33 am

This is the first time I've ever posted on a forum like this. I'm usually not comfortable talking about my depression with other people so, instead, I just keep it to myself and try to soldier on. I've had some severe bouts of it before, most notably when my now ex-wife left me the first time with our daughter and moved several states away. Things that got me through that time included close proximity to my best friend, meditation, and constantly reminding myself that there was a little girl who needed her daddy to not give up on life.

I'm currently in a pretty low point again. I across the country from where I lived after my divorce which was with my parents. I came here to be with my girlfriend whom I met online. We talked for months and I came out to visit a couple of times before deciding to take a leap and relocate. It was also a plus that this move cut the distance to my daughter in half. Before moving I kept my eye on the job market. I was working an ok job doing corporate customer service for a luxury auto brand before I left and found numerous customer service jobs online here that advertised pay that started at $3 more an hour than I had been making. I was confident, I was in love, and I was ready to be out of my parents' place again.

I've now been here since April. I have not been able to land decent employment. The job listings I had read were for positions that amounted to door-to-door sales, pitching products that nobody was looking for. I accepted a sales job for a vacation/timeshare company that operated a permanent booth within a retail outdoors store. I was told the average employee made $20/hr, but in the months that I worked there I never saw anyone hit that. I ended up leaving the job when my girlfriend said she'd rather I stay at home and concentrate on finishing my degree while she worked. I'm now to a point where I only need two classes to finish, but I can't afford it. Because of foolish decisions in my younger days my federal student aid has reached its maximum and I still don't know how I'm going to cover this semester. My girlfriend works very hard and as a result doesn't get to spend a lot of time with her kids, whom I usually get ready for school in the morning and take care of in the afternoons. We have hit a wall financially and she has become incredibly stressed. I am still looking for employment, but can't find anything that would balance out our income and allow her to ease up on her work. At this point I'm behind on child support payments, I'm behind on school work because I have a hard time concentrating anymore, and I feel that my girlfriend is about ready to snap and kick me out. I don't even feel like I can tell her about how depressed I've been.

I fight the negative feedback loops constantly. I push out the thoughts of what a failure I am as a person, father, boyfriend, son, etc... And lately it's getting harder and harder. I'm at a point where it feels like every time I try to improve my situation in life it backfires spectacularly and I end up worse than before. My marriage fell apart after moving my family across the country for a job that had potential to make me never worry about money again, but I ultimately couldn't handle. I came here with hopes of living a better life and instead I'm struggling to stay afloat. I had even made some amazing friends in the last year and I left them behind for my brighter future. Now my only social interaction is with my girlfriend and her kids, smalltalk with neighbors from time to time, and posting only positive stuff on social media because I'd rather not bare my brokenness to the world only to have people say that I'm only looking for attention.

My situation has more variables, and my depression has claimed other aspects of my life, but it actually feels good to say this stuff somewhere. I'm sorry that this is so long. I've just been bottling it up for a long time.

Tl:dr I've dealt with depression for years and am at one of the lowest points of my life, but it feels good to be able to talk about it somewhere.

JLM1980
Posts: 5
Joined: Tue May 02, 2017 10:12 pm

Re: New to forum, not to depression.

Postby JLM1980 » Wed Nov 01, 2017 11:18 pm

Hey!

Glad that you shared. This is a safe place. I'm so sorry that things haven't turned out the way that your were hoping. I too have experienced some pretty severe depression and know how hopeless it can feel. I think that it is great that you have been able to capture your negative thoughts and redirect them to the positive, even if it is difficult at times. I have found that it helps to keep my eyes on the future and the desired outcome rather than current circumstances, what ifs, or regrets. It took me over ten years to get my degree. Not optimal, but there were times that it just didn't work out to be in school. Just don't give up. You have a great future. There is a book called "Battlefield of the Mind" by Joyce Meyer that may help strengthen your resolve to redirect those thoughts. Also, have you thought about driving for Lyft or Uber? I've had a few friends that have done it that have had some success and liked the flexibility and socialization.

Jmax84
Posts: 2
Joined: Wed Nov 01, 2017 4:46 am

Re: New to forum, not to depression.

Postby Jmax84 » Thu Nov 02, 2017 12:05 am

Thanks! I would totally drive for Lyft or Uber, but my car is 12 years old and the a/c air compressor is shot. It may be getting a little cooler out, but I'm just south of Houston and we're still hitting the mid 80s daily. I also had a leak in the sunroof during Hurricane Harvey, but that was the only damage I experienced, thank God.

scatteredmusician
Posts: 1
Joined: Fri Nov 03, 2017 1:44 pm

Re: New to forum, not to depression.

Postby scatteredmusician » Fri Nov 03, 2017 2:04 pm

I am so sorry you are in this place but glad you could find a forum to vent a bit. I would, of course, suggest counseling for sure. I wonder if a local church has a low-cost program that would address your situation? A lot of counselors work on a sliding scale so it might not be too much. I wish you could bounce your thoughts off a professional in the field, but a trusted friend would do too. I think the Joyce Meyer book is great, also “Walking on Water When You Feel Like You’re Drowning” by Nelson and Leavitt. I found it on abebooks.com used for $6 US so the cost isn’t bad. I have prayed for you and your situation and hope you can begin to understand how much God loves you and see the path He has in store for your life. Best wishes.


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