Im not sure how i ended up this way
Posted: Sat Oct 07, 2017 4:04 pm
I used to laugh. I was light. Free. I used to dance around and joke and play. Now im just trying to find meaning in something, anything. What happened? Why am i like this? I should start by saying i am so very blessed. I have parents who have given me everything ive ever wanted, and a sister who matters very much to me. Growing up i was always very outgoing and had a big group of friends. I was 16 when i met my boyfriend. We were best friends for years and he finally asked me to be his girlfriend my freshman year in college when i was 18. I was in love with him. We did long distance for 4 years and over that time the two of us changed dramatically. We grew up and we became different people. he broke my heart in different ways. And yet saved it at the same time. Once he called me telling me he was going to persue another girl instead but later changed his mind. I took him back, because i was young and... well in love. Then he got into drugs and changed into a person who emotionally abused me and then came down and decided he needed me. I took him back again bc it wasnt really him it was the drugs and he doesnt even remember those times. Then little things that come with distance.. instagram likes on questionable photos. I changed. I became so fearful of abandonment and rejection. I checked up on him, obsessed over him. And in the process i lost myself. i could never accept that i had forgeiven all of this stuff in the past just for it not to work. All ive ever known is how badly i need this to work with him. I find my own value in my connection with him. I ended up losing all my friends. I understand how unhealthy this all became. I know i need my own life and my own friends. I want that. But I came to find that they just dont understand me in the ways i need them to. They are superficial and judgemental and i cant connect with them. But i miss them because i do care about them but i need new connections that are real to me. I have become a person who measures her worth out of her connection with others. Without human relationships, i feel my existance ceases to matter. With all my friendships dwindling and the constant questioning of my relationship, i felt so alone. I finished college and finally got to move back with my boyfriend full time. This helped a lot. Things were stable and good. until he cheated on me with his ex. He told me homself, which helps but i still cant believe he did this. I know he is sorry. He changed his life because of it. Quit drinking, smoking, moved back with his parents and signed us up for couples therapy after fighting for weeks to keep me. Said he wanted to marry me. After all this time all ive wanted was his full commitment. I want to marry him. I tell mysef that this was f***** up but in the end he realized what i always wanted him to, that i am his forever. But i am so f***** up now. I cant trust him. I cant be alone. I cant help but have intense anxiety when im not with him even when i know he is at work. How to i cut off my codependency on him without losing my relationship? I love him. But i need my own life so i dont resent him for spending time with friends. How can i stop being so dperessed and find independence? I feel so sad and worthless when i am alone and i spend every single day by myself until he gets off at midnight. I cant find any hobbies that make me happy. I dont want to be this person that ive become. i am such a burden to others and i need to be okay on my own. I dont want to place my happiness on him anymore or wait up for him all the time. I need to not miss him and to get this anxiiety out of my mind so i can enjoy my life. Why dont i have enjoyment outside of this relationship? Why do i feel empty when im apart from him (which is all the time bc of work)? Its not right and i need help. I am so alone