Im not sure how i ended up this way

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Lostgirl
Posts: 5
Joined: Sat Oct 07, 2017 3:42 pm

Im not sure how i ended up this way

Postby Lostgirl » Sat Oct 07, 2017 4:04 pm

I used to laugh. I was light. Free. I used to dance around and joke and play. Now im just trying to find meaning in something, anything. What happened? Why am i like this? I should start by saying i am so very blessed. I have parents who have given me everything ive ever wanted, and a sister who matters very much to me. Growing up i was always very outgoing and had a big group of friends. I was 16 when i met my boyfriend. We were best friends for years and he finally asked me to be his girlfriend my freshman year in college when i was 18. I was in love with him. We did long distance for 4 years and over that time the two of us changed dramatically. We grew up and we became different people. he broke my heart in different ways. And yet saved it at the same time. Once he called me telling me he was going to persue another girl instead but later changed his mind. I took him back, because i was young and... well in love. Then he got into drugs and changed into a person who emotionally abused me and then came down and decided he needed me. I took him back again bc it wasnt really him it was the drugs and he doesnt even remember those times. Then little things that come with distance.. instagram likes on questionable photos. I changed. I became so fearful of abandonment and rejection. I checked up on him, obsessed over him. And in the process i lost myself. i could never accept that i had forgeiven all of this stuff in the past just for it not to work. All ive ever known is how badly i need this to work with him. I find my own value in my connection with him. I ended up losing all my friends. I understand how unhealthy this all became. I know i need my own life and my own friends. I want that. But I came to find that they just dont understand me in the ways i need them to. They are superficial and judgemental and i cant connect with them. But i miss them because i do care about them but i need new connections that are real to me. I have become a person who measures her worth out of her connection with others. Without human relationships, i feel my existance ceases to matter. With all my friendships dwindling and the constant questioning of my relationship, i felt so alone. I finished college and finally got to move back with my boyfriend full time. This helped a lot. Things were stable and good. until he cheated on me with his ex. He told me homself, which helps but i still cant believe he did this. I know he is sorry. He changed his life because of it. Quit drinking, smoking, moved back with his parents and signed us up for couples therapy after fighting for weeks to keep me. Said he wanted to marry me. After all this time all ive wanted was his full commitment. I want to marry him. I tell mysef that this was f***** up but in the end he realized what i always wanted him to, that i am his forever. But i am so f***** up now. I cant trust him. I cant be alone. I cant help but have intense anxiety when im not with him even when i know he is at work. How to i cut off my codependency on him without losing my relationship? I love him. But i need my own life so i dont resent him for spending time with friends. How can i stop being so dperessed and find independence? I feel so sad and worthless when i am alone and i spend every single day by myself until he gets off at midnight. I cant find any hobbies that make me happy. I dont want to be this person that ive become. i am such a burden to others and i need to be okay on my own. I dont want to place my happiness on him anymore or wait up for him all the time. I need to not miss him and to get this anxiiety out of my mind so i can enjoy my life. Why dont i have enjoyment outside of this relationship? Why do i feel empty when im apart from him (which is all the time bc of work)? Its not right and i need help. I am so alone

GraceH
Posts: 31
Joined: Thu Aug 31, 2017 9:52 pm
Location: US

Re: Im not sure how i ended up this way

Postby GraceH » Sun Oct 08, 2017 1:57 am

Please seek therapy to break your co-dependence on other people. Please. You deserve to be happy. But you must first believe that you and you alone are worthy, important, special, good, kind, loving, and this is with or without your boyfriend, YOU ARE ENOUGH. Also it's dangerous to determine your worth based on a partner and whether they are loyal and love you. I've been down your exact road and yes it feels like a slow torture. I got lucky (I see that now) because my bf just left and got another girl pregnant. Thought that would k*ll me. I ended up moving out of the area so I wouldn't see him. Ran into him and cried for hours when I got home. His face reminded me of how stupid I had been, what I let him put me through, that it was never about me and my needs it was what would make him happy and how can I make sure he's okay. When I got into therapy, took me about a year to see things clearly. Wow I can't believe what I put up with. I can't believe I thought I couldn't live without him. I can't believe what I made myself go through. And I can't blame HIM. I put myself through that.

Please reach out to a therapist and not one who is into couples therapy. You need one to build up your self-esteem. You need to learn how to reach deep down inside yourself and learn who YOU ARE AS AN individual and human being. You are unique. You are important, you are awesome but you will not see or believe this until YOU learn who you are as an individual.

I'm guessing is he your first boyfriend or first significant? Mine was. That just made the connection so strong. Too strong. The First feel like lasting, forever, or, at least we want them to be. Please do this for YOU. You are worthy, with or without him. Do this for YOU. A therapist will have you on your first visit understanding so much. You'll go home feeling lighter, more in tuned with yourself and more enlightened. You deserve right now to be nurtured, encouraged, comforted and protected. Do this for you.
Love Above All Else

gjetson33
Posts: 8
Joined: Fri Jun 02, 2017 8:20 pm

Re: Im not sure how i ended up this way

Postby gjetson33 » Mon Oct 09, 2017 9:10 pm

I appreciate you sharing your story with us. You have to find out who you are. How do you see yourself? Do not let the world or people define who you are, who you should be with, and how you should feel. Put trust in God and yourself and know that you are worth more than how you feel at this time. You deserve to be happy, you deserve to be loved, you deserve joy and peace. If you can first find those things in you, no matter what man comes your way you will already be complete. He will come to add to what you already have. Love you first and foremost. I hope this helps. Sending gentle hugs!!!

Gmf29
Posts: 1
Joined: Tue Oct 10, 2017 8:24 pm

Re: Im not sure how i ended up this way

Postby Gmf29 » Tue Oct 10, 2017 8:33 pm

I feel the same way . I recently lost my job and ii dont have anyone to talk to. Im constantly thinking about it and lost interest in everything . I feel i wont find another job and all i do is think what i did wrong . I dont sleep , dont have an appetite , im not married and feel hopeless


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