Another timid hello

Introductions and welcomes.

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lilno1
Posts: 3
Joined: Mon Aug 28, 2017 12:16 pm

Another timid hello

Postby lilno1 » Mon Aug 28, 2017 12:44 pm

Hello, my name is Tina.

I just found this site mostly out of desperation. I have dealt with depression and anxiety since I was 5 years old. At least that was the first time I can remember having a suicidal thought. I was laying in bed on a Saturday morning staring at the ceiling thinking of all of the ways I could end my life. Rather than being frightened by the feelings, I was growing excited and relieved by it. I had an out, an option. I guess I had never really heard of suicide then because I remember thinking in my child mind that I created this magical option and that no one else knew about it. Eventually, I can't really remember why, but I told my mother and she blew up at me, told me everyone feels that way but no one talks about it, and that was it. I am now 43 years old and I still wake up everyday and think the same thing I did when I was five. I list all the ways I could end my life in my head. But then I get up and go about my day feeling absolutely horrible. Except recently there is this pressure in my head and I feel the need to end it already. I keep thinking if I change my job or if I change my boyfriend things will get better, but they never do. I use to love to paint and draw and I have stopped doing that now. I would say I have truly lost my way, but I don't think I ever had a way.

Anyway, that's me. I hope this wasn't too much for an introduction. :?

pam4him
Posts: 8
Joined: Wed Dec 21, 2016 9:49 pm

Re: Another timid hello

Postby pam4him » Tue Aug 29, 2017 8:31 pm

Hello, Tina. It's nice to meet you. I think many of us have these thoughts at some point. I was too chicken to try, convincing myself that if it didn't succeed, life could be much harder, either for me and/or my family. What if I just ended up brain damaged? I do not relish the thought of wearing adult diapers and bibs. Maybe that's a picture to keep in mind to help you push forward. I would hope there are some good things in your life that keep you going. While we often feel alone, the truth is someone would miss us if we were gone. We don't always know who is watching, who our actions are encouraging when they see us doing what needs to be done despite how we feel. Consider finding 1 thing each day you are grateful for, then build up to 3 and perhaps even 5. Today's could simply be "I'm grateful for this site to post on and connect with others." We all have a purpose for being, sometimes it's just hard to find out what it is. Keep on keeping on.


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