I don't know what i am looking for

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michaariko
Posts: 3
Joined: Wed Aug 09, 2017 6:42 am

I don't know what i am looking for

Postby michaariko » Wed Aug 09, 2017 7:16 am

Hi my name is michaariko (not my real name) and i came from Manila, Philippines. My mind is in a mess i can't think of how to introduce myself but i will try my best. I am a quiet person irl but despite being mostly quiet i can say i have a lot of friends and everyone thinks i am nice. i am not nice, sometimes i hate everyone because i feel like they are fake and yet i count on them not to abandon me. I get mad easily and then felt bad about being mad. most of the days i spent pretending to be okay and laughing with friends when i really felt empty. I can't tell what i really felt inside me to my friends or my mother, whenever i tried to open up, my mouth feels dry and i can't find the right words to say. I wanted to reach out to someone and yet i am really scared, i tend to overthink a lot of things and suffers from anxiety because of it. I am not even professionally diagnosed because i am scared of what will people think, (I am sorry if i offended someone but in my case, in my country most people don't understand how serious mental illness is and they take the words lightly). I feel fake, because i am scared to show how i want to die because i don't know anymore.
it's sad, even as i am writing this i feel like i am just doing this to gain comfort and i feel pathetic because of it. i really don't know anymore.

nightingale77
Posts: 28
Joined: Thu Aug 10, 2017 2:48 am

Re: I don't know what i am looking for

Postby nightingale77 » Thu Aug 10, 2017 2:59 am

Hi there, thanks for sharing. It takes courage for one to do that. Sorry that you are going through so much.

Some of the things you said I can relate to sometimes. For eg, you are a quiet person and everyone thinks you are nice but you feel that you are not. Actually, every one of us is capable of both evil and good, depends on which side you are leaning towards. But from your post, it will seem to me that you are not that bad a person. For one, bad person don't usually care so much. They just go about being bad and nasty to people around them and they take pure joy doing that. You are not that kind of person.

You care for the people around you. You even care for those reading this post that you hope they don't feel offended. You are good person. I don't know what is burdening you so much today that cause you to feel anxious or depressed but taking the first step to talk about it is a step towards recovery. Are you open to talking to counsellor or therapist? Or even talking to someone in church?? Talking about it will help you to cope and in days to come, you will feel better. Hope this helps. Be well and take care. God Bless!

michaariko
Posts: 3
Joined: Wed Aug 09, 2017 6:42 am

Re: I don't know what i am looking for

Postby michaariko » Tue Aug 15, 2017 6:20 am

@nightgale77

Thank you. I wanted to talk to a counselor or a therapist but i am unfortunately really scared because if i went to a counselor i feel like a lot of people will find out what i am going through and i am afraid of what they will think. I am also not really that much religious mainly because of my past bad experience with my religious relatives but i do like to pray sometime in my own will and it does makes me feel slightly better.

I really would love to talk to someone personally about my problems, because i could not figure it out myself, i feel empty most of the days and i could not do anything about it and i could not do anything at all. I know everything i write here is vague but it really is what i feel. Most of the days it was as if there is always something heavy inside me and it feels like it was eating my insides that sometimes i wish rather than feeling like dying in a slow mental pain i was in i wish i could have a quick sharp pain instead. I think about it all the time and i feel i am so fake that people have it worse than me and yet here i am pretending that i am like them. I do care about other people but it is their opinion of me that i care about. I care to much about what people thinks of me that i feel like i was always standing on the edge, and that i will fall if i make a wrong move.


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