where to go from here

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Chihiro
Posts: 8
Joined: Wed Jul 05, 2017 11:20 am

where to go from here

Postby Chihiro » Wed Jul 05, 2017 11:45 am

I finally cracked. I have been trying my hardest since summer vacation began to keep myself busy and spoil my boyfriend to keep my anxiety and depression at bay. Last week he got back from a week long vacation with his family and this week he's gone meeting up with his guild from an online game. At first it was hard having him gone and I kind of understand why he was so upset while I was away at college, but last night he told me he has a crush on someone and he feels so ashamed of himself and hates himself because he still loves me and wants to be with me. I understand that he still wants to be with me, but its now killing my anxiety and depression because before this happened I was already worried he'd leave me because after our two year anniversary he broke up with me because I was leaving out of state to attend art college which nobody supported/supports. Later that year we got back together but its hard to have that trust in someone you love after that. I want to be with him, but I'm always worried he'll leave me. hes two years younger than me and starts college in the fall and I'm just giving myself panic attacks thinking that he will leave me. I'm posting this because I don't know how to deal with these feelings part of me hates myself and wants to die, telling me to end things by what ever means before I get hurt. While the other cant stand the thought of leaving him or hurting myself. I want to get help but don't have the money so I wanted to turn here for help.

sultan
Posts: 9
Joined: Thu Jun 01, 2017 10:20 pm

Re: where to go from here

Postby sultan » Fri Jul 07, 2017 7:55 am

Hi

First I am extremely sorry to hear your situation and I can truly understand the situation that how does it feels to be in a see-saw position where one half of self says to destroy ur self but other half denies that . Before I say something on your situation I would like to tell you that I had been in love for almost a decade with a girl . Our marriage was finalized by our families so was the datebook of marriage. Even the preparation of marriage were going smoothly and just 2 weeks before marriage date our relation brokeup and so did our marriage. I saw in front of my eyes the relation of 10years vanishing as it was never there. And going through panic attacks, hallucinations where I use to listen her voice screaming on me and I could see her in my dreams shouting at me and cursing me for my mistakes that cost our relation.
This story is now 5 years old , My X- fiancé is now happily married to a wonderful guy . I came out of feeling of Depression, loneliness and Guilt but it took time for me.The purpose to tell you my story is that you that I can understand that how one feels in somewhat similar situation.
You don't need to spend money to solve your problem as you mentioned you don't have in your post. But what you need to do is that You have Gather Courage inside yourself, You need to make yourself understand that you cannot let yourself waste in the memory of others. You need to make staunch and firm decision for your relation and need to realize the same to your boyfriend that He has to take one decision. Love cannot be with 2 girls at sometime . Ask your boyfriend to make a decision on it. Its only you who can decide the fate of this relation, so be strong . The world never ends behind one person and I am living example of this situation. So take a firm decision and be strong and don't worry.

Regards

Chihiro
Posts: 8
Joined: Wed Jul 05, 2017 11:20 am

Re: where to go from here

Postby Chihiro » Fri Jul 07, 2017 9:15 am

Thankyou, since this post he told me hes over his crush, but he still isn't sure about us. It's hard to explain because in the here and now wer're good but once college starts and he meets more people he told me he wants me to not want to hurt myself if he leaves me. I'm happy we can try and make it work for now but I have this feeling its over or will be soon, which could be right or wrong. I'm trying to focus on getting ready for school and spending more time with my friends and being social. But he made me realize how antisocial I've become. At any rate, I'm keeping in touch with my best friend who also suffers from depression and we agreed to cheer each other on and make changes to hopefully get us to be more social and for me, hopefully this will make the transition easier if things don't work out. Someone else had replied privately as well and I like that they said something my friend and sister have told me, I deserve someone who will love me and no one else, and if he can't do that there is someone out there that will.


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