Why I'm a terrible person

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Zacharie Etienne
Posts: 2
Joined: Mon Jun 12, 2017 11:03 pm

Why I'm a terrible person

Postby Zacharie Etienne » Tue Jun 13, 2017 12:26 am

Hello, where should I begin?

My name is Zacharie Etienne, 19 years of age. I was a weird kid during primary school, and I had this weird friend who we'll call Gauss. Me and Gauss were obsessed with espionage, we'd play by pretending to be spies. Yes, we got bullied for it, got victimised blah blah you know the story. Although we were never physically bashed or pushed around, it was pure name calling - verbal bullying.

The important thing is I never once retaliated. They'd pick on Gauss say, and I would just let it happen. I wouldn't defend him out of fear of having to deal with the conflict. And as a result, I actually ended up joining the bullies. I joined them because that was the most safe solution, they would not pick on me, and Gauss was powerless to confront us. So Gauss eventually moved away, and I made a new set of actual friends as well as staying friends with the bullies. But occasionally I did terrible things to my new friends. Why? Because the bullies asked me to. Instead of sticking up for myself and them, I welcomed the social pressure in order to avoid dealing with chaos, but only at the expense of being a good person.

Then high school came and I got separated to a different school than my friends and the bullies from primary school. On the first day I made my first friend, call him Galois. Luckily for me, there were no bullies who picked on me personally at this high school. But the same wasn't true for Galois. I made some more friends who I wasn't as close with over time, and they liked me but they didn't like Galois. So they bullied him, telling him they hated him in their group. And what did I do about this? You guessed it, nothing. I did nothing. Didn't stick up for Galois, didn't say anything in the group. I just smiled emptily at both parties as if nothing was wrong. Again I was just too afraid of having to deal with the problem, so I didn't. Though I didn't turn against Galois though, that was different. Probably because Galois did have his own group of friends from primary school.

Meanwhile I did stay in touch with my primary school friends. Not the bullies, my actual good friends. We got into surfing and would go every weekend. We also played in a soccer team. On the outside I seemed like a normal kid, but on the inside I knew it was entirely superficial. I never cried, never fought, never got angry with any of my friends. I never let them see my flaws.

So it was a real dilemma when I was the first to get bored of surfing. Instead of telling them the truth, I made up lies. I told them I was busy studying when I wasn't. I told them I was out of town when I was in bed. And although I got pretty good at being deceptive, my friends weren't fooled. They started asking me if I was depressed, if something was wrong. But the very idea of telling them something was wrong, was what was wrong. I couldn't stand the idea of admitting my faults. So I started avoiding them as much as possible, despite how good they were to me.

But my family saw how I wasn't hanging out with my friends, so I had to deal with them too. I studied really hard at school, just so I could have an excuse for not seeing my friends. As for my friends from school, I completely detached myself from all of them. I was just that guy who got along with everyone and no one.

High school finished, I was free. I started thinking about what I wanted to do with my life. About time. But everyone around me was also asking me what I was going to do, that sure pissed me off. I became really cynical. I enrolled in Uni in an attempt to shut them up. But then I realised I detested Uni. Oops. So I dropped out, only to face the same situation again of people asking me what I wanted to do. I flat out lied by saying I was taking a gap year, even though I knew perfectly well I wasn't going back to Uni. This life full of lies was making me really cynical, though I never showed it. Every person was a potential threat. I wished I could just go to a place where I was alone. So that's what I did.

First I tried getting a job working overnights. But that only made people more concerned. So I went all out and moved out of my parents to the middle of nowhere, a place far enough that I knew no one would follow me. I even considered lying to everyone about where I was going, but that was too risky.

4 months I've been living like this now, and it's given me time to think. I realise now the importance of being truthful, but the past 18 years has built so much deception into me. I'm just so terrified of speaking about my problems. But I am smart. I know the key to overcoming fear is to break it down into smaller parts. So me writing this online is the first part. I will overcome this fear.

Thanks for reading.

harry56
Posts: 4
Joined: Tue Jun 13, 2017 1:10 am

Re: Why I'm a terrible person

Postby harry56 » Tue Jun 13, 2017 1:19 am

I hope everything is ok with you health wise. Having a cancer scare can be a heavy weight on you mind.


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Zacharie Etienne
Posts: 2
Joined: Mon Jun 12, 2017 11:03 pm

Re: Why I'm a terrible person

Postby Zacharie Etienne » Tue Jun 13, 2017 1:43 am

harry56 wrote:I hope everything is ok with you health wise. Having a cancer scare can be a heavy weight on you mind.
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Hello Harry, yes my health is fine and I haven't had a cancer scare. I'd never even heard of it until now.


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